Tara Cousineau, PhD

Clinical Psychologist, Kindness Warrior

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The Essentiality of Creating Ritual

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Do not feel lonely. The entire universe is inside you. ⁓ Rumi

In times when the world feels fragmented and distracted, and fears of scarcity abound, and authentic connection is short-circuited by social media with its ratings and social comparison, it’s no wonder we crave some kind of reprieve. A safe space. Some sense of meaning. Inner peace.

A young woman I met recently found herself out of sorts and dislocated, not sure how to find her footing in life after a series of disappointments and is faced with the uncertainty of her future.  I could write this description about any number of people with whom I cross paths. I could write this lament about myself. If there is any certainty in life, it’s that life is always in flux, ever changing.

I wondered aloud with her about what has brought contentment to her life in the past. It turned out that it was going to church. Church was something she no longer had time for, and truth be told, it felt scary now that she was in a new city and had to make the effort to make new friends. Faith was important to her, she said. Connection to God was affirming.

It’s a time of year where such longing can cut deep. The emptiness she was feeling appeared to be an absence of something sacred. Some solace. A ritual. Like advent. Or lighting candles. Singing. Prayer. Community.

We are wired to seek comfort, to have a sense of connection to each other as well as to something greater than ourselves. So we create ritual. Sacred rituals meet the essential human needs for safety, love, and belonging. Of course, rituals can serve to harm as much as heal. Yet, when the intention is a caring one, rituals can assuage dark nights of the soul, mark happy occasions, and create lasting bonds. 

The word ritual is derived from the latin word ritualis and ritus, meaning rite. A ritual is “an established form for a ceremony” according to one definition and is a feature of all human societies. But ritual can be more than ceremony. It can be a constant reminder. It serves as an acknowledgement of something valued or treasured. The synonyms include: custom, fashion, habit, pattern, practice, second nature, and trick. I like the notion of creating ritual as a kind of cultivation, as in planting seeds and reaping a harvest. 

And I quite like the paradox in the word “trick”, meaning the presence of a characteristic or trait, and also the ability to outwit, deceive, or mystify. 

In a way, this young woman I met needed to find renewal and a felt sense of connection. Short of getting herself to a church service which she didn’t foresee until a holiday trip to visit family, I invited her to think about creating a short and sweet ritual in her own space. In this way she can both build a habit while tricking herself into taking in the good. The intention is to outwit her wily mind, which is easily thwarted by a negativity bias, overthinking, and inner gremlins. In essence she can cultivate meaning, connection and presence within herself by outwitting her fears. 

10 ways to create a ritual nook at home

It’s time to get creative. Keep it simple. Allow your sacred space to grow over time. Get to know it as it gets to know you.

  1. Find a comfy quiet spot in your home or your room where there is enough space to stand or sit or meditate.
  2. Stack some pillows, find a shawl, or have a comfy chair to sit in.
  3. Use a windowsill, table or shelf as an altar.
  4. Collect a few meaningful objects that evoke serenity and calm. For example, a candle, feathers, crystals, rocks or shells from a favorite vacation or nature spot, or book of poems or spiritual readings. 
  5. Find a small vase for a fresh flower.
  6. Add a spiritual relic such as prayer beads, small statues, or an oracle or affirmation card.
  7. Consider having a photo of yourself as a very small child, for example one that brings a smile to your face, and conjures up warm feelings of care, tenderness, and protection. Or perhaps you may prefer a photo of a loved one or mentor that brings to mind courage, grit, peace, or resilience.
  8. Use a small portable speaker to play a song from a comforting playlist or have ear buds handy to listen to soothing music.
  9. Have a journal or note pad handy to write down thoughts and feelings.
  10. Refresh with a bottle of water.

You may even want to grab one of those “Do Not Disturb” door signs the next time you travel or create one for the door, if there is one. Tiny details matter.

My young friend liked this idea. Even if her day is so busy and there is no time to sit for 20 minutes, simply standing for a few moments and taking a nourishing deep breath or two in this sacred space can be inspiring. She can wave, motion a high five, blow a kiss, or wink at the altar, as if the very presence of it is just like seeing a dear friend. She can carry a rock in her pocket. These gestures can trigger the feel good hormones in the brain and shift the mindset toward a pleasant and optimistic orientation. 

Think about this for yourself. Are you ever thrown off kilter by life or by a negative headspin?  Can you trust your wise self to be there for you every step of the way? The trick just may be in creating a daily ritual. Just for yourself. In a nook in your home. Your safe place.

Claim it.

Photo by 五玄土 ORIENTO on Unsplash
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

When Joy Arises Savor It

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It’s all too easy to feel overcome with suffering. It may be your own. It may be the headlines of the day’s news. It may be the weight of helplessness seeing homeless people, as I feel every time I ascend from the bowels of the Red Line to the cobblestones of Harvard Square. One recent brisk morning, I turned the corner when one woman’s grin had caught my eye. She is a regular street dweller and has staked her 2×4 foot patch of sidewalk by the CVS with a cardboard sign, Got Empathy. Her bundles of belongings are expertly wrapped as if they could fill Santa’s sleigh.

The cool light was misty and one could see the frothy trails of breath of the passersby. The woman held a bag of pretzels. A hundred pigeons flocked and flapped about her as she laughed and twirled about. “Be patient!” she scoffed. I caught her eye and laughed with her, my meager offering. Yet, I felt her delight. It stayed with me all day.

Don’t Hesitate

Mary Oliver’s poem, Don’t Hesitate, comes to mind. It’s a salve for the caring heart and a reminder to bask in appreciation and joy whenever it arises.

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give into it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.

Mary Oliver

Sometimes we simply need to pay attention to the good in the world.

Sometimes we need tangible reminders. Check out The Little Deck of Kindfulness.

Photo by Tina Karina

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash


The Inner Critic Deserves Some Respect

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I have the pleasure of teaching a 10-week workshop series to college students, Overcoming Perfectionism through Self-Compassion. All told, 10-12 hours is not much time. Yet spread over two-and-half months, continuity is cultivated just by showing up. Certain ideas begin to sink in. Originally, I based the series on The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, because I love the 10 guideposts for wholehearted living she delineated.  I threw in some skills from my book, The Kindness Cure, and a few meditations from Making Friends with Yourself, a lovely curriculum based on mindful self compassion practices. I borrowed some concepts from Tal Ben-Shahar’s book, The Pursuit of Perfect. (All good resources for those working on recovering from unhealthy perfectionism). It’s been a mashup of sorts.

My goal was simply to begin a discussion about the tight hold that unhealthy perfectionism can have, how to understand its purpose without self-judgment, and ways to rejigger one’s perception and nervous system for greater acceptance, calm and wellbeing. We need to shine a light on our fears of failure and rejection to offset the false lure of perfectionistic behavior. Every week a core group of undergraduates and grads arrived ranging in age from 19 to 45; and others popped in from time to time, making for lively intergenerational discussion. (Perfectionism is persistent.)

Unhealthy perfectionism is also rather exhausting. We all fall into this trap to some extent because our culture highly values ratings and rankings. Brené Brown’s definition is super helpful to ignite a conversation, especially in a population of high achieving students who are chronically hustling for success and approval.

Here’s what Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection:

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best.  

Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth.  

Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s a thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.

Are you onboard yet? Any notion of “Oh shit. That’s me. I’m definitely hustling for worthiness.”  Wait, there’s more.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement.

Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system:  I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.

And perhaps my favorite point: 

Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? 

Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?

One of the first things that students are invited to notice is their negative mind loop. After all, each of us has a chorus of naysayers and judges constantly pointing out every perceived weakness or flaw. Sometimes the voice tells you to quit before even getting started. Yes, that imposter syndrome can keep you playing small. This of course can be ruinous if you close off your gifts, talents, interests, or passions. Often students will refrain from taking risks out of some particular fear, causing enormous stress and unnecessary suffering. (See article on the negativity bias).  

Observing the dialog is a first step in extracting oneself from self-flagellation. When you tune in to your inner narrative, often there is surprise, if not shock, at how demeaning or demanding these voices are.  (Tune in for 10 minutes and write down the words or stream of consciousness.)

We’re all pretty good scriptwriters, actors, producers and directors of our own mental movies. It’s pretty impressive, really. It’s quite a skill set albeit for the wrong use.  Here’s the thing:

We can recruit our imagination for our benefit or for harm. 

In my work with college students it has been useful, and actually fun, to name the inner critic. I even have a third chair in my office for it to join us. My willing students are very creative. For instance:

  • One young woman realized her inner voice was like the character “Monica”, on the show Friends. ….pretty tightly wound up about every detail.  Her inner Monica would pipe up whenever she felt out of control with school work, and she’d find every excuse to tidy up or fix something.
  • Another student realized that his compulsion to join every opportunity or club in order to “optimize his resume” – was really about a fear of missing that one key experience that just might hit the jackpot… for getting that coveted internship or job at Goldman Sachs. He was chronically exhausted. He called his inner critic, FOMO.
  • One of my favorites is from a student who realized that her perfectionism, which caused her an almost paralyzing anxiety, including an inability to let herself to socialize or have any fun was, as she put it – “robbing her of joy.” She called her inner critic “Mooch.”

Think about it, whether it’s an inner bully, or a Judge Judy, or a Nagging Ned, what might the voice be protecting you from? 

It’s probably the usual (and very human) suspects:  failure, rejection, or shame. 

It’s there as a signal and as an invitation to notice and befriend it, and perhaps even to silence it — turn down the volume — and assure it that “Hey, I’ve got this,” or “I’m going to try something different this time,” such as practicing to be less harsh — and even kind — when facing failure, rejection or shame. Tal Ben-Shahar advises us to “practice failure.”  I say fail forward with self-compassion and empathy. Over time you’ll learn that you are stronger than you think you are. 

There is resistance, I assure you, in embracing failure. That’s why — in addition to cultivating a thick skin — it is essential to have a soft heart. 

How? As you may suspect, we also harbor a kind and gentle voice. We need to give it more air time. In fact, it deserves a principal role in our inner theater. As with learning anything new, this requires practice to develop a counter narrative.  It also requires allies, like the students who showed up in my group.

You can create messages of kindness to meditate on and repeat, which calms your body and nurtures goodwill toward yourself. This goes for guys too. This is not a girly thing. It’s essential to care for or “coach” the parts of yourself that are scared, vulnerable and critical, as if these unwanted aspects are friends in need. Treat yourself like you would a loved one, friend or buddy.  

The instructions for creating these mini-scripts are simple:

  1. Be clear. 
  2. Be authentic and true to your experience
  3. Use a kind tone.

Whenever you need bolstering, you can craft a message by asking yourself: “What do I need to feel calm in my body?” or “How can I bring caring (or kindness or grit or courage) to this moment?” 

The answers are typically universal human needs:  belonging, connection, encouragement, love, patience, protection, respect, tolerance, validation, and well-being. 

Here are some self-kindness kickstarters:

I am strong. I’ve got this. 

I hold myself gently.  

I love myself just as I am.  

I trust in myself.  

I am here for me, I am here for you. 

I am enough.  

Even though this feels hard, I will be kind toward myself.  

I am beginning to feel love and kindness expand. 

I will be okay. 

This [fear] will pass. 

Your self-compassion statements can change over time. It is wise to try them on for size, even if at first a statement may not fit or feels awkward. In this case, a wise inner voice might say, “This is how you take care of yourself. It may take some getting used to!”

While the inner critic deserves acknowledgement, it doesn’t belong on center stage. It has a bit part to play once you notice the motivation it has in stopping you from being hurt or rejected.  These inner characters do not like to be demoted to a cameo appearance, so beware of push back. 

The wise voice, however, deserves center stage. The wise voice also doesn’t want you to be in pain or distress but it has a different approach than the inner critic. It helps you take in the goodness of who you really are and treat yourself with care and respect. Allow it to have airtime throughout the day.  After all, practice makes progress. 

Check out my The Little Deck of Kindfulness as a great kickstarter for cultivating a kind and courageous inner voice.

Resources:

Cultivating a Positivity Bias by Taking in What’s Good

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Let’s face it: Life can be hard. Our attention is immediately hijacked by what’s negative. Remember the negativity bias I wrote about? We all have it. It’s a necessary quirk of our fallible human design.

One way to think about this inclination to scan for danger is that your brain is more likely to stick to negative experiences like Velcro, while it lets positive experiences slide off like Teflon. It’s funny, how we tend to let the good moment pass us by, right? But it’s that one nudgy negative experience (amidst all the other good stuff) which can really fester. It’s so annoying.

But guess what? We can purposely cultivate positivity in our life. 

This is not about replacing the negativity bias with a positivity bias. Yet, we need to practice experiencing more beneficial emotions and states of calm so we can lower the volume on the negative mental states!  We need to let the inner critic take a time out so we can do some seriously needed self-care.

Truth be told, it takes some effort and commitment to plug positivity into your daily life. So start to look for those little opportunities each day to highlight a useful or enjoyable experience—and consciously take it into yourself. Take a moment to consider the inner strengths you need the most. Is it confidence, joy, trust, forgiveness, generosity, or patience? 

How do you grow  inner strengths? 

For starters, get grounded in the present moment and become aware of what’s going on.  This non-judgmental noticing is key for engaging the mind in beneficial ways. You can think of this as preparing to go on a journey.  What are all the things that you need to bring along? What gear or supplies might you need in your “neural backpack.” 

Just like learning how to play the guitar or learning a dance routine or excelling at an athletic skill, you need to practice.  The brain learns by repetition. Same goes for positive experiences: If you want to cultivate more calm, peace, happiness, and joy in your life, then you need to first experience moments of calm, peace, happiness and joy!  Not only that, you must engage in these activities consistently so the brain learns from them and creates new neural highways. Make a plan.

Think of it this way: New connections in your brain are being formed in every moment and through every interaction you have. The more you expose yourself to negative or harmful influences or habits, the more they stick. In the same way, the more you expose yourself to positive things and habits, the more these beneficial experiences stick, and become lasting inner resources. In other words, what you choose to focus on and practice will grow stronger. This means you can influence your own brain on a very deep, cellular level on purpose. 

(This is really awesome!)

Noticing the good in your daily life is about increasing what’s already positive OR maintaining what is positive OR creating something new that is positive.

My favorite teacher and psychologist Rick Hanson offers a simple acronym that is easy to remember. H-E-A-L. I teach this all the time with clients because it has been so effective in practice.

Let’s go through each letter.

  • H  = Have a positive or beneficial experience. Notice a positive experience you are already having; or create one by looking for good facts in your immediate situation, in current or recent events. Now keep in mind, beneficial isn’t synonymous with pleasant!!  It’s not about achieving happiness, it’s about promoting wellbeing by noticing and engaging in experiences that are nourishing or uplifting in some way. Beneficial experiences include making or eating a healthy meal, going to bed on time, reading a good book, watching a comedy, getting in a good workout, having unstructured play, meeting a friend for coffee, volunteering, or having a hobby, or noticing things in the lives of others that you feel glad about. You are producing good facts to hook onto. 
  • E = Extend or enrich it.  Stay with the positive experience by noticing the sensations and imagery associated with that great meal or a good workout or that kind friend whose shoulder you cried on.  Really sense and embody it to make it more lasting and intense. Activating such positive experiences helps to build up inner resources (or traits) like connection, resilience, emotional balance, happiness, mindfulness and compassion. Savor it. Don’t let those good moments pass you by.  
  • A = Absorb it.  Intentionally let the good experience sink into you. Here you really want to take it in, in a way that seeps into you. You are installing it into your memory bank and making it sticky.  Kind of like creating a mental snapshot or inner Instagram of a beautiful sunset with the intention of remembering it. 
  • L = Link the positive and the negative.  Or, I like to say it’s like making lemonade from lemons. We all have negative experiences in daily life, like getting a bad grade or being rejected. There’s nothing shameful or embarrassing about this. It just means that you are a normal human being. Remember though, that as long as negative stuff is active in your mind, it starts to stick the longer you dwell on it. So in this optional linking step, see if you can hold BOTH the positive and negative in awareness (the sweet and the sour), so that the positive gradually eases and brings perspective to what is negative, can soothe it, and maybe even replace the negative over time. 

Of course, with anything that’s really tough or triggering, like trauma, it’s helpful to work with a counselor.  But in general, everyday life offers up situations or chances to practice these steps. 

Sometimes I suggest creating an “even though” statement: 

Even though she rejected my invitation, it took courage to get up the nerve to ask her out, and I’m proud of myself for trying. I’ve been taking more risks and that’s good for a shy person like me. Come to think of it, that took some guts!

Even though getting a bad grade really is hard and I’m disappointed, it’s not the end of my college career. Deep down I know I’m going to be ok. I’m glad I’m doing other things. I really feel inspired by the new club project. I feel like I can make an impact.

Even though I feel sad about grandma’s passing, I can sense her love for me; and when I remember her humor it makes me smile. I feel she’s got my back and I can draw on this warm feeling whenever I need.

Remember, what you choose to focus on and practice will grow stronger.  That means you can have a bigger influence in responding positively to your life than you might believe. Just like you can’t unlearn how to ride a bike, you won’t unlearn the inner strengths you grow over time.  

This is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself. So start taking in the good.

Photo by Ashley Batz on Unsplash

Photo by Nathan Lemon on Unsplash

Notice Your Negativity Bias (Hint: We’ve all got one)

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Do you ever feel like sometimes you can be your own worst enemy?

You are.

You beat yourself up. Trip over yourself. Get annoyed with others. Cry at diaper commercials. Flip the bird. Numb yourself with Netflix. Or worse, create your own internal horror movie, usually with B ratings.

It happens. You are allowed to be human. 

Here’s the thing: We all have this inclination of the brain called the negativity bias… and it’s part of the human design.

The negativity bias is sort of what it sounds like but has a neuro-physiological basis. Think of it like a background surveillance system or operating system. Just like the heart beats and the lungs breathe, the brain is continually scanning the environment for danger… and all this happens below our awareness. 

The negativity bias prepares us for action and to get out of harm’s way. Better safe than sorry, right?

Now, the most common stressors most of us face in day-to-day interactions are typically not life threatening. The stressors are around being liked, performance, friendships and relationships, money, news, and the future—and the stories we tell ourselves about them. It’s our perception of threat that ignites the stress response. We tend to overestimate the perceived threat as if it’s “do or die” and underestimate our ability to cope. When your inner alarm switch is stuck ON, your body can’t easily recover without rest. You can feel worn down physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

But have you ever noticed how you interpret these kinds of stressors—whether it’s the stuff that’s happening in the real world or in your own mind?

Psychologist Rick Hanson describes 5 ways in which the negativity bias manifests:

  1. We scan for bad news as part of the human design (we can’t help it).
  2. We focus on the bad news and it becomes associated with pain and unpleasant emotions; we get tunnel vision.
  3. We overreact to it.
  4. We remember it. In other words, the experience or sensations fast-tracks into our memory banks.
  5. We can ruminate on the experience, reinforcing a negative feedback loop. I call this being caught in a “head spin.”

This negativity bias leads to cognitive habits like: overthinking, engaging in negative social comparison, perfectionism, procrastination, fixating on unhelpful thoughts and situations, and doing harmful or unhelpful things—usually to avoid the pain, like retail therapy, too much alcohol or other vices, social media stalking, oversleeping, or Haagen Dazs, to name a few.

Here’s the thing, no matter how intelligent, or kind, or confident you are, you can become negative, small-minded and mean without even realizing it—as you snap at people, become overly critical of yourself and others, and gripe with friends. It can be contagious, too.  Misery loves company, right? 

But in a state of personal distress and a narrow view with the negativity bias, it’s hard to get the clarity and empathy that will help you get perspective on things and be caring toward yourself and others. 

A great image to depict this tricky state is that of an arrow. (Think The Hunger Games.)

What’s the first arrow?

Some physical and mental pain is inevitable in life. For example, I work with many students. Here’s a common scenario: You worked really hard on a project, spent hours in the library and even went to the writing resource center. But you get a less than desirable grade, maybe you even bombed. Ouch. 

The first arrow is that unavoidable pain of disappointment or anger.  

But your tricky mind steps in to interpret the situation… maybe you go into self-judgement:  What is wrong with me? I must not be cut out for this job/school/program. I should just quit now. 

Or else you might go into blame mode:  That professor/boss/co-worker is terrible. What’s his problem? How could she? 

Or let’s say you ask someone you’re crushing on to get coffee or dinner and that person says, ‘No thanks.’ Immediately, your mind will insert an elaborate ‘mind movie’ about what is wrong with you. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

We add insult to injury with our reactions with those 2nd, 3rd, and 4th arrows. It’s those arrows—the ones we aim at ourselves—that causes so much of our suffering. (So unnecessary. Trust me.) But we can practice deflecting those arrows. 

It starts with noticing them!

So ask yourself when you might be directing unnecessary arrows at yourself. Just observe over the next week or so, without any judgment. Be curious about your mind. Observe your inner critic. Cultivate some self-compassion. After all, life gives us chances every single day to make different choices, to respond more patiently, and to get a bit of perspective.

Check out the next article on how to offset the negativity bias with a simple skill to practice (on positivity).

Also, you might consider my book and card deck on cultivating more love and kindness in your life—wonderful antidotes to those self-inflicted arrows!

Resource: Resilient: Find Your Inner Strength by Rick Hanson

Photo by Henrikke Due on Unsplash

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Rx when Parenting a Child with a Chronic Condition

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Heavy Doses of Compassion

A dear friend from ages past texted me that his son, who just graduated from high school, has cancer. My heart broke open in a millisecond. I was standing in a Sunday morning line for coffee. The news about his son stopped me cold. Life is so unfair. I couldn’t stop shaking my head in disbelief. The poor barista thought I was complaining about the service.

I met Tom when we were 17 on a school program to the United Nations. I like to joke that he was on the bus of smart Canadians and I somehow sneaked into the program. To apply to the program I wrote an essay about the former UN Secretary Dag Hammarskjöld, with a quote I found in a library book. I’m fairly certain that I was the only one in my town who applied. Now I find it interesting that the chosen quote conjures up the timeless suffering of mothers (of which I still have written out in my neat teenage handwriting). For a whole week we visited New York City, the UN, and went to the top of the World Trade Center for a view of Lady Liberty. The towers no longer exist, of course, and yet they will always be tied in some small measure to that adolescent flirtation, the ideals of humanitarian efforts, and the fragility of life.


It is said that the tears of one mother are the tears of all and the glory of one man is the glory of all men…

Dag Hammarskjöld, 1953

We now are parents and professionals living full lives in different countries marked by the trials and triumphs of being mere humans—we share the main headlines that might fit in a text message or over an occasional phone call. He’s a school principal. I’m a psychologist. He has boys. I have girls. And I wholeheartedly share in his current optimism: his son has a highly curable form of cancer.

I don’t want to offer up a cliché but I will: Perhaps there are few comparable experiences that collect the kind of battle wounds like the scars you get from child rearing. At the same time, there is nothing like the joy and pride that arise in the smallest of moments in watching your children thrive. You never think your heart can crack open wider and then it just does. It’s that very vulnerability that exposes us to the abyss that is human suffering. Deep love. Deep pain. 

A child’s cancer diagnosis is a shot to the heart.

I sat with my cup of my tea thinking about Tom and his son when I saw a family stroll in. They pushed a daughter, now a young adult, in a wheelchair. I wondered about her. A spinal injury? A congenital condition? Hard to say. Her hair was neatly brushed. She wore a shimmering cherry lipstick. It was carefully and lovingly applied. I was overcome with emotion.

I began to count. 

In my mind I lined up a dozen random parents I know in my community. How many had a child with a chronic or serious illness or condition? I summoned up a list of their children’s conditions: anxiety, addiction, ADD, autism spectrum, clinical depression, cerebral palsy, a congenital heart condition, kidney disease, and post concussion syndrome, including two deaths due to chronic childhood illnesses. That our community has been spared a youth suicide or fatal car accident or death by gun violence seems—statistically—a stroke of luck. I included myself in the line up of parents. We have a daughter with potentially lethal food allergies. Sophie is now 21 and has not outgrown them. I’m only mildly relieved that her boyfriend is an EMT.

How many of these parents suffer quietly with the plight of their child’s condition, or keep to themselves for the sake of privacy, or simply are heads down with caregiving that others don’t even know to reach out? I also imagine parents in other communities who don’t have the privilege of a well-resourced school system or medical access or aren’t able to rally funds for research or costs of care. The bottom line is that more needs to be done for families to foster the kind of resilience that may be needed for a long haul. Two colleagues (Lorraine Hobbs and Kimberly Arthur) and I recently published a journal article about the need to support parents with children with chronic conditions: The Role of Compassion and Mindfulness in Building Parental Resilience When Caring for Children With Chronic Conditions: A Conceptual Model. (Please read and share it. E-Book here.)


…both mindfulness and compassion have significant potential to support this process of working through adversity and finding ways to develop inner resources to cultivate acceptance, find meaning in the context of complex parenting challenges, and respond to the child and oneself with kindness in the face of persistent stressors associated with children’s chronic conditions.

Cousineau, Hobbs & Arthur, 2019

A Silent Suffering

We couldn’t write about our personal experiences in this kind of academic platform yet our hearts were totally in it. We have children with various conditions requiring different levels of care and attention. So we try to walk the talk and wrote the article. Here’s why: 

Parenting a child with an illness or disability is very common yet remains a silent plight for many. 

Close to 20% of parents have a child with a chronic condition or disability, which is defined as any condition that has lasted or is expected to last for at least 12 months. Personally, I think this is an underestimate due to under reporting and stigma. But let’s just say that 1 in 5 parents/families has a child with some sort of chronic affliction. (There are 83M families in the US and 15M single mothers.) Assume for the sake of my argument that you are in a room full of parents. The next time you are in a meeting at work or a school PTA meeting, or at a place of worship, or on a commuter train imagine that for every 4 seats the 5th seat has a parent facing a difficult illness challenge with a child—no matter the age of a child. Imagine yourself in his or her shoes. 

One memory that comes to mind is when my daughter Sophie was three years old and at preschool. She took a cracker out of a snack jar. Apparently another child with sticky peanut butter fingers had also done so. Her face blew up like a balloon immediately. The EMTs were called. She chugged some liquid Benadryl. She recovered. The school eventually became “peanut/nut free” to the chagrin of other parents. It was a common battle cry across American schools: “Why should my child give up his PB&J?” “That’s the only thing he eats and he has the right to have peanut butter.”  “Why should my kid starve?” Parents of the afflicted child would counter, “This could be a life or death situation. Surely you can see that?” “You’d rather see a child risk her life than to find something else for your kid to eat?” “Try carrots instead.”

Later the solution in the elementary school was to separate the food allergy kids from the others at lunch time, leaving Sophie at a table all by herself. She became a pariah, a social outcast. The social stigma was an unintended consequence, of course. And it was unacceptable.

BFFs on a Hot Summer Day

Then guess what happened? God bless the children to find solutions that parents or administrators can’t see. Her friends began to sit with her. Over time they became little vigilantes monitoring who had what in their lunch boxes. The girls made sure their parents knew about Sophie’s food allergies for birthday parties and sports events. They educated themselves. They watched the Epi-pen injection video and practiced puncturing an orange with a plastic model pen. Although we were all in a state of anticipatory anxiety, organically we cultivated a “community watch.”  Eventually, we all relaxed. When a local 15-year old girl died from anaphylaxis after a severe allergic reaction just days before her 16th birthday, despite the family’s careful precautions, the threat became all too real once again. (See Project Abbie at Harvard.)

Compassionate Action

My daughter’s situation may not compare to the plight of others. A food allergy is an episodic condition that is largely reliant on prevention and avoidance, yet can have a fatal outcome. Yet that’s not my point. Millions of parents are managing some sort of childhood condition every single day. Of course, the medical conditions and potential outcomes vary among children: Children may be hospitalized for depression or suicidal ideation, or suffer a physical illness or condition; or a child may be contending with developmental delays, mobility issues, aggressive outbursts, or chronic pain. There are IEPs and accommodations, specialists, and regular medical monitoring, and concerns about independent living in adulthood. It can be all consuming at times.

What is common is the persistent fear and distress felt by a mom, dad or caregiver. Whenever a child needs specialized care or attention, there is a slow wear-and-tear in the fabric of parenting. An unraveling may occur in parallel with a kind of constant mending, in attempts to emotionally or pragmatically hold it together. There is also the mental “code switching” between taking care of a child’s current needs and the anticipation or planning for the future “what ifs.”  It’s hard to be present when the mind is in a ricochet of tending tasks. Let’s not forget that many parents inevitably put their personal needs and goals on hold and may also be economically impacted. Even the most optimistic or well-resourced parents will find themselves in moments of despair or panic. That’s the only natural response. 

What I love about compassion-focused approaches to parenting is the recognition that biologically we are wired to protect and ward off threat. That basic understanding can begin to shift how we communicate and respond. I can’t blame the pro-PB&J parents. They want their children to have what they need to survive. They aren’t thinking about the other tribe of parents who also want their children to survive by avoiding PB&J at all costs. Our perspective narrows when we are threatened. The single focus is on survival. The emotions that drive defensive behavior include anger, anxiety, fear, or disgust. As I wrote in my last post, Lead with Love, when we notice which emotion regulation systems are activated (threat, thrive, care/connect), we can begin to respond to life’s experiences in more beneficial and grounded ways. We can respond in a more balanced way.  This is where mindfulness and compassion comes in. 

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01602/full

The approach we proposed in the article emphasizes relational compassion and self-compassion. All too often the sole or primary focus is on child medical outcomes rather than parental resilience. This is understandable but to use another cliché—the one about the oxygen mask on a flight—we have to help the caregivers put on the oxygen mask first. The point in our article is we believe that cultivation of safety, connection, and caring is essential in any communication, intervention, or resource created to support parents when caring for a child with a chronic condition. This helps to get parents out of the constant threat/survival mode and offer relief from the exhaustion that can come from empathy fatigue, persistent uncertainty, constant caregiving, or social isolation. This means growing both inner strengths and outer strengths.

We consider the mindfulness and compassion skills as a way to “bounce forward” rather than “bounce back”—because life will never revert to a previous way of parenting. Resilience is inherently about caring, connection and community. It also requires a kind of deep knowing that we all belong to one another. In this way we are responsible for the welfare of the collective “we.”  Parenting is hard under optimal circumstances. No family is immune from threat, loss, or disappointment. It can take some emotional courage to turn toward what is difficult and reach out to a family in helpful ways—especially when vulnerable children face challenges. The default is to respect privacy, or not impose, or keep a safe distance, or drop off casseroles. I get it. But we also have to stretch ourselves and connect with parents. We don’t know what we don’t know.

Take the risk: Ask them.

How may I be of help? Is there something specific I can do? What is important for us to know? Is it Ok if I check in every once in a while? We are here for you.

Interested in more? Watch this beautiful Ted Talk. Heather Lanier tells her story of having a daughter with Wolf-Hirschhorn syndrome, a genetic condition that results in developmental delays.

My colleague and friend Susan Pollak, EdD, just published a beautiful book called Self Compassion for Parents: Nurture Your Child By Caring for Yourself (The Guilford Press, 2019).  What’s on the cover? Two slices of PB&J!  That got me hooked. She wrote it for every parent, of course, who deals with the ordinary and extraordinary challenges of parenting. I particularly love the “Fierce Compassion” meditation and “Soothing Touch in the Heat of the Moment.”  I highly recommend it.  

Photo by Thais Morais on Unsplash


Lead with Love

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There’s a funny thing that happens when you start walking the kindness talk.  People seem to crave it. Recently, I’ve been asked to speak at various companies and organizations — from accounting companies to human services, from high net worth investment firms to public schools.  What’s the common denominator? I’d like to think this trend is about how we each can be more of the human we want to be: caring, wholehearted and generous. That’s part of it, of course. That’s the bright side of such a talk. But underneath is a deep need to understand what gets in the way. That’s the shadow side. 

We need to become friends with the shadow side. 

This is easier than you might think. The dark side of corporate culture reveals itself in the face of fear and threat — meeting deadlines, KPIs, profits, career advancement, and all the usual suspects that arise when real or imagined survival is at stake — at the expense of human connection and compassion. 

The paradox at the heart of this matter is that it’s okay to be competitive AND cooperative at the same time.  It’s more than okay. It’s necessary. It requires awareness in how humans respond to the world, through three emotion motivational systems espoused by the British compassion researcher and psychologist Paul Gilbert. I wrote about it in The Kindness Cure in chapter 10 (Emotional Paradox).

The paradoxes you can experience in your own mind are clashes between the “old brain/mind” and the “new brain/mind.” Your “old brain/mind” is the “base model” of human emotional regulation and hasn’t changed much over millennia. Its job is to serve your basic survival instincts as soon as possible and to seek out pleasure and comfort. It is speedy and reactive. The three main emotion regulation systems operating within it are:

• A threat and self-protection system that senses threats quickly and activates the fight- flight-freeze- faint response in your limbic system. This is like your home surveillance system.

• An incentive and resource-seeking system that propels you to seek pleasure, consume, play, strive/achieve, and mate. It’s like an Energizer Bunny scurrying about, looking for fun or success in life.

•  A soothing and contentment system that seeks balance, rest, and connection, and is strongly linked to affection, bonding, caregiving, kindness, and compassion. This is the calm and connect system, and it is a bit slower to come online, but when it does, it gives you a sense of overall wellbeing—like a baby’s snuggly or a rocking chair.

Your “new brain/mind” developed later in human evolution. It’s really smart. The newer model is more complex and allows you to work things through, compare, contemplate, mull things over, create, innovate, imagine, seek knowledge, strive for goals, and develop an identity. This allows for quick learning, exchanging information from among groups, and passing on these adaptive genes to future generations. Importantly, this sophisticated upgrade allows you to be aware that you exist and have a sense of self. Thanks to your “new brain/mind,” you can be aware of your awareness, unlike any other animal, and observe your own mind. This is, of course, both a blessing and a curse.

When your “new brain/mind” is pulled by the fears and passions of the “old brain/mind,” you can get stuck in unkind behaviors (toward yourself or others). This is the unfortunate bug in the system, so to speak.

Workplace Woes, Compassionate Action

This came up in a recent conversation. I was a guest on a podcast summit created by Mari-Lyn Harris, founder of Heart@Work, who I met via Linked In through what I call kindness spotters.  (We kindness warriors just find each other.)

Mari-Lyn has been figuring out ways to share the news about leading with kindness, to assist leaders in cultivating better productivity, profits and a happier workplace culture. She created a Virtual Kindness Conference and you can watch it (it’s free). The interviews include short and sweet conversations with experts about workplace culture. You can watch the interviews at Heart@Work or on YouTube.  I talk about befriending the inner critic at work and gathering positivity allies to counteract the negativity that even one nasty person can evoke. It takes commitment.  Of course, it helps when leadership/management adopts and embodies the values of caring and compassion as integral to company goals, even if you are selling widgets or crunching numbers. You might enjoy the series and have something you would like to offer to an ongoing conversation on kind leadership.

Here’s to growing a kind mind.

21 Days of Kindfulness: Get daily notes to your inbox for just three weeks — which is about the time it takes for a new habit to take root. I invite you to kickstart kindness in your life and share with a friend. It’s free. 

A Little Deck of Kindfulness: The card deck is here! (See the sample image above). Cultivate more kindness and compassion for oneself and for others. Order now! (in continental USA).


Facing Fears. Diving In.

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Sometimes I consider myself a late bloomer no matter what decade of life I am in. Recently, I tried my hat at stage storytelling. If you are familiar with The Moth, you will have some sense. But I was recently inspired at work. A few months ago I worked with several graduate students, who I consider our future leaders, innovators, and helpers. (Our hope!)  Each were terrified of making mistakes, or of being judged, or of not being perfect. They were worried about public humiliation and imposter syndrome. (We are immersed in a culture of ratings and rankings, so who isn’t?)

I coached them to get out there and speak, to try Toastmasters or storytelling, as a kind of “exposure therapy” or skills building to overcome their fears. Otherwise, if they don’t then WE are missing out on their bright lights. Because sharing their wisdom is a service to humanity. When they realized it’s not so much about them at all, but rather about channeling their gifts, a new recognition set in. It’s flipping the script of the inner critic. The ego can step aside and their message can shine through. Of course, this isn’t so easy at first. It takes practice to befriend a familiar voice of fear and to calm the nerves. 

In reality, it takes courage and self-compassion… and at least one person who has your back.

We teach what we need to learn, right? I realized that I had to do the same. I had to walk the talk. I went to a magical Writer’s Romp retreat with Suzanne Kingsbury, where I had to get vulnerable and share my writing by reading it aloud in a safe place (in a tent). She is the creator of Gateless Writing, a judgment-free and wholehearted approach to writing. Like Brené Brown tells: you only share your stories with the people who have earned the right to hear them. I took one brave friend with me. My approach is to take a few steps forward, building upon skills and experience, rather than jumping right in and hoping for the best. It’s like inflicting yourself with kind, small exposures. In my field of psychology it’s called “titrating” (or expanding the “window of tolerance”) and in education it’s called “scaffolding.” It might also be a kind of inoculation.

Gateless Writer’s Romp: Releasing the Inner Critic (as represented by the dinosaur pinata)

So after that romp experience I mustered up the courage to share with strangers, but again in a safe space. I signed up for a few storytelling workshops at MassMouth.org.

The scary part is the last day of the 3-session workshop. It’s like a recital and these “tellings” are held at Club Passim in Harvard Square. You invite your friends and family. You share a 6-minute story. I’ve done this twice now. The first story was about me and a former psychiatric patient singing a Frank Sinatra love song at a holiday party (he never knew that the song he picked had been my wedding song). The other was the moment I knew I’d become some sort of therapist after a humiliating encounter with an evil 6th grade math teacher.

I’m starting small and having some fun. The first time I lost my place but I recovered. I didn’t pee in my pants or walk off stage. I survived. Really, what is there to lose? I’m stepping onto a small stage with a friendly audience (with food and drinks) who are rootin’ for me and the other “tellers.” 

I’m taking a dose of my own medicine. 

  • 21 Days of Kindfulness – Get daily notes to your inbox for just three weeks — which is about the time it takes for a new habit to take root. I invite you to kickstart kindness in your life and share with a friend. It’s free. 
  • A Little Deck of Kindfulness is here (see image above). Cultivate more kindness and compassion for oneself and for others. Order now! (in continental USA).