• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Tara Cousineau, PhD

Clinical Psychologist, Kindness Warrior

  • About
    • Bio
    • Press
    • Research
  • Book
    • Book
    • Cards
    • The Kindness Cure Manifesto
  • Blog
  • Meditations
  • Spread the Love
  • Services
    • Coaching
    • Consulting
    • Speaking
  • Contact
  • Discover Your Kindness Quotient!

boys

5 Videos Every Mom and Daughter (and Son) Should Watch Together

March 14, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Raising girls is hard. Raising boys is hard.  We live in a culture where toys are more gendered than ever. The statistics of violence against women has not changed in decades. Aggression in boys and men is on the rise.  And the rate of pharmaceuticals given to children keeps increasing. It’s a wonder if any parent can get a restful night’s sleep. My girls tell me to stop reading, that I tend to think the worst, and that I worry too much. On the other hand, I’m the cool mom in the group, they have never been grounded, and as a family we hardly ever fight.  Some something is working.

But since having conversation about serious issues with my teenage girls tends to fall flat, I have found videos to be the next best thing to getting a message across. Here are my 5 top picks:

1) Oscar Winner Lupita Nyong’o Speech on Black Beauty in Hollywood, presented at Essence Magazine conference (video)

A flower couldn’t help but bloom inside me.

Image from YaleAlumini Magazine.com
Image from YaleAlumini Magazine.com

Inspired by the actresses in The Color Purple that led her to a career in film, Lupita describes her childhood aches about beauty. She begins by reading a letter from a little girl and then shares her own story. Lupita wished to God she had lighter skin and prayed every night. But change never happened.  Her perspective did.

With her mom in the audience Lupita tells the story of her transformation from self-hate to self-love. Her mother told her: “You can’t eat beauty… What she meant was, you can’t rely on how you look to sustain you. What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful, is compassion. For yourself and for those around you. That kind of beauty inflames the heart and enchants the soul.” Apparently,  Lupita is also a poet.

__________________________________________________

2) How Do YOU Define Yourself by Lizzie Velasquez at TedXAustinWomen (video)

There are benefits to being really small.

© 2013 Lizzie Velásquez
© 2013 Lizzie Velásquez

Lizzie is one of only three people in the entire world with a rare syndrome that prevents her from gaining weight. She’s 25 years old, can only see in one eye, and has never weighed more than 64 pounds. She was cruelly bullied as a child, with people telling her that the world would be better off with out her in it.  Her story is nothing short of stunning.  Lizzie is living her dream as a motivational speaker. 

I watched this clip with my 13 year old, who feels like she looks like she’s still in 4th grade, who was recently diagnosed with a degenerative bone condition that means the end of her 10 years of competitive gymnastics. No more pounding on the elbows, ever.  For a little feisty kid known as Jumping Josie, it’s a unexpected life challenge.  Listening to Lizzie was inspiring.

What defines you?

__________________________________________________

3) The Mask You Live In (trailer) by Jennifer Siebel Newsom

As a society, how are we failing our boys?

The Mask You Live In
The Mask You Live In

My girls watched Miss Representation when the film on girls and women was released. It is part of our DVD library. The film “exposes how mainstream media contribute to the under-representation of women in positions of power and influence in America.”

While empowerment movements abound for girls, however, they seem virtually non-existent for boys. It’s time we pay attention to our boys. I look forward to the film on boys and men. Recently, the trailer when viral.  The message is urgent and clear. We can’t empower our girls without doing the same for our boys.

From the website: “Compared to girls, research shows that boys in the U.S. are more likely to be diagnosed with a behavior disorder, prescribed stimulant medications, fail out of school, binge drink, commit a violent crime, and/or take their own lives. The Mask You Live In asks: As a society, how are we failing our boys?”

__________________________________________________

4) Selfie, a short film by Dove

What if…your moms can redefine beauty just like you can?

Selfie Screen Shot - A Dove Film
Selfie – A Dove Film

One of the most common anxieties I hear from mothers , who seek me out about how to connect with their girls, centers around what’s happening in social media, cell phones and texting. They are frustrated with how self-absorbed girls seem to be.  But social media and smart phones can also be a creative outlet and allow girls to show their real selves.

Taking a selfie is not the worst thing that can happen, remarks a girl in the film.  Is the world going to combust into a million little pieces because I put a selfie out there?

The recent film by DOVE helps to open a conversation about beauty, body acceptance, and modern self-portraits. It revolves around a photography workshop with high school girls and their moms. The photographer asks the girls: “What if we figure out a way – when taking a selfie – to actually incorporate the things about us we don’t like?”

She also notes that moms often pass on their insecurities about their body or appearance to their children. “What if you work with your moms, who are also learning how to take selfies? Your moms can redefine beauty just like you can.” My favorite part was when girl in the film remarks on the self-portraits the other girls made.

 I was surprised when I heard the girls talking about their insecurities. When they said they were insecure about things, those were things that made them different… but the things that made them different, made them unique. And that made them beautiful.

__________________________________________________

5) The Sexy Lie: Caroline Heldman’s talk at TEDxYouth@SanDiego

 A sexy lie = being a sex object is empowering  (It’s totally not)

Abercrombie Ad for Padded Bra (Toddlers) copyWarning Label: To watch this with your teen, you need to deal with the word sex.

Dr. Caroline Heldman is Chair of the Politics Department of Occidential College in Los Angeles. She is a vocal advocate for highlighting how mainstream media contributes to the underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence in America.

I love this talk about sexual objectification and “the sex object test” for media literacy. I also appreciate how Caroline Heldman points out how women fail to enjoy their bodies when they continue view themselves as actors in a scene. We are always starring in our mind movies at the expense of being fully in our bodies.

If we accept the statistics that 70% of high schoolers have sex by the age of 17 (this is for you deniers out there) it’s time to be forthcoming about bodies, sex, respect for self and others, and being fully connected to our physical bodies.

This is in-your-face straight talk. It’s easier for Caroline Heldman to say it to your teen daughter than you.

Filed Under: Courage, Inspirations, Mothers & Daughters, Role Models, Self-Esteem, Social Media, Teenagers Tagged With: beauty, body image, boys, Daughters, film, Mothers, video

Back to Middle School: Judgment Day

September 2, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Stand By me - All MoviesRecently, my older daughter (15) and I watched the 1986 coming of age classic, Stand By Me.  It was apropos as we were returning home from a trip to visit with her best friends from her “childhood.” Reunited on a far-flung trip to Kuala Lumpur her set of four best friends were together once more and saw another part of the world as a bonus.  Doesn’t happen often. (Won’t happen again.) These girls had spent countless hours together up until that tender the age 12 when two of them (twins) moved to the other side of the world. It was a shock to the system for Sophie.

Remarkable to me, in watching Stand By Me over 25 years later, was how the film captured the loyalty, trust and compassion among four boys, 12 going on 13. The movie centered on an adventure to find the dead body of a local teen, with the requisite night out to camp in the woods. Not quite sentimental, the movie was nuanced enough to portray the range of emotions and understanding children – yes, even boys –  can have of hardship, heartache, and a need to be tough in the face of life’s disappointments. These boys had each other to joke with, to scare, to challenge, and to offer a shoulder to cry on – and without judgment. Somehow you knew this was fleeting.

I was about 20 minutes behind Sophie in my viewing of the film, sitting shoulder to shoulder on the flight. My reactions trailed hers on cue: a laugh here, a startle there. The only difference was that by the end of the movie I had tears rolling down my face.

“Oh my god, Mom. It’s just a movie.”

I was still reflecting on the last line in the film, where the narrator punches out on his typewriter:

 “I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve.”

“Jesus, does anyone?”

I turned to her and said: Tell me right now that when you were 12 you didn’t believe that your best friends were more important than anything. That they were the only ones you could count on and who understood you. And really, has it been the same since?

She just stared at me, as teens do, not willing to admit a truth.

* * *

Girls Sleeping On Porch, NYAs inevitably happens, we just had the last week of summer. My younger daughter (13) and her group of friends stretched out the last days before 8th grade as long as it could possibly go.  So much for getting a good night sleep, being prepared to wake up early again, and being somewhat organized. She begged me, “Mom, this is the LAST time our gang will be together before school starts, pleeeeeeeeeaaaaassse.”

I thought of the four boys in Stand By Me: Chris, Gordy, Vern and Teddy. I gave in.

And what did these 13 year olds do?  They piled in a tent in one friend’s back yard.

I didn’t’ know this until she came home. She certainly had the dirty feet and mosquito bites to prove it. Maybe it is a primal need of kids of the brink of adulthood to cap it off with an adventure.

And let’s just say the first day of school was the antithesis of that last hurrah. In absolute tears was she – on that first morning of school – as Dad was calling her repeatedly to get in the car.  She ran past me, in a skirts and cute top, her long hair painstakingly straightened. I assured her everything was going to be just fine.  In a last turn before stepping out the door she lamented: “You just don’t understand, Mom. I don’t have ANYTHING nice to wear on the FIRST DAY!”

Oh I understand all right. It’s middle school and it’s judgment day.

* * *

 

Join me for upcoming talks and tweens and teens.

Filed Under: Courage, friendships, Inspirations, Mothers & Daughters, Self-Esteem, Teenagers Tagged With: back-to-school, boys, emotions, friendships, peers, teenagers

It’s Cool to Be Cruel: How Moms Can Help Girls

April 11, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

It’s hard to imagine that anyone who heard about the recent teen rape case in Steubenville involving two teenage boys sexually assaulting an unconscious, drunken 16-year old girl and broadcasting it over social networks, would be anything but horrified. For some of us, it was further compounded by the news coverage that portrayed the high school football players in tears at the verdict. The pubic felt sorry for them. That the violence and psychological harm done to the girl became incidental to the story incited an outrage in social media circles. And this has happened before in other communities with even more tragic consequences for the girl victim.

Girls giggling at computer iStock_000005580773XSmallBut the teachable moment was largely lost among our teens. Mostly, they didn’t hear about it and no one told them about it. Maybe the story just didn’t ruffle enough feathers. Yes, teens do stupid things. They also do destructive things. But let’s just say that there are people who can do something with such a newsworthy story: parents, coaches, teachers, school guidance counselors, or club newspapers, anyone? Might they not serve as potential messengers for violence prevention programs or constructive dialog when such incidents happen?

Can we all please wake up?

When I took the opportunity to share the story with my 15 year old, she was shocked indeed. Her face scrunched up for a few moments imagining the party scene. This long pause was then followed by a “Thanks, mom, that’s really nice to share. Thanks a lot.” If it made her uncomfortable, that was the point.Our girls and our boys are growing up with social media and in a culture that amplifies the objectification of women and the destruction of

Our girls and our boys are growing up with social media and in a culture that amplifies the objectification of women and the destruction of intimacy like never before.There is no healthy sexuality taught in schools or churches. At each turn girls and boys are learning new values, largely from online culture and media, and parents are largely clueless to it. Gone are the values of kindness, respect, speaking one’s own truth, collaboration, and constructive play. What have they been replaced by?

According to Catherine Steiner-Adair, PhD, an esteemed researcher and psychologist who speaks with kids around the nation, the top three cultural values for our children are:

  • Presentation
  • Objectification
  • Instant gratification

Today, the goal of “being famous” is more important than being productive, generous or industrious.  Having  the right “package” wins votes on talent shows. How many ‘likes’ or ‘follows’ supersedes any experience of intrinsic self-worth and mutual regard.  According to Steiner-Adair, the three most insidious online memes for girls today are: mean girls, slut chic and ana chic (as in pro-anorexic).

Ready to run yet, moms?

I’m right there with ya. Girls are being marketed padded bras and manicure parties as early as grade school, and tween boys are now the largest growing audience of violent pornography.  This makes the days of hidden Playboys stuffed under mattresses appear a sweet pastime.

It’s not any better for moms and dads.  The self-absorbed or bitchy career mom has replaced the ditzy stay-at-home mom; and dads are often depicted as lost puppies not knowing what to make of the females around him.

In my house, if any media totally exemplifies the emerging values of our girl culture, it’s Dance Moms. It is the perfectly edited compilation of mean mom/mean girl culture if ever there was one. But that’s rant for another time.

Yes, our cultural values have gone down a sinkhole and it will take a mighty effort to reverse the trends.  But it can be done.

Moms out there, it is your job to intervene early and repeatedly… with girls especially. It’s a now a major part of your job
description. You need not be in their faces with worry or highfalutin dictates, but simply be observant, consistent, patient, and gentle in guiding your daughters as they grow up. Inoculate. Don’t check out. Don’t assume anyone one else is going to teach them or that issues like violence prevention, body image, dating abuse or online cruelty will be covered in a health class.

What to do?

It’s really simple. It just takes consistency.

Here are six strategies:

1) Pay attention. 

Really pay attention to what’s going on in your child’s world. Show interest and be inquisitive.  This matters even if you don’t get any acknowledgment from your kid. They soak up everything you say and do.

2) Converse about what you and your child see on TV, in the movies, and online.

Hang with them when whenever you can in front of the TV. Teach them about the roles of ads (what are they trying to sell; how are they getting you to want to buy; how does the ad make you feel?). Then, when it’s developmentally appropriate (4th grade and up), constructively analyze how girls and boys are being portrayed and what your child thinks about it.

3) Limit their exposure to the Internet for as long as possible.

A major coming of age milestone is now getting a cell phone. When it comes to tweens,  seriously consider the introduction of a smartphone with access to the Internet. Honestly, my younger daughter got hers too early (at 12) and having an older sister using one tipped the balance. Instagram scores big with this crowd and you now have to add time to periodcially scroll through the banter of tweens, just when you want to spare a few moments to relax in in your busy day.

4) Set rules for media use and texting. 

You can demonstrate the appropriate use of technology for your child. Like…don’t drive and use your cell phone or text. I have been guilty of this, “Oh, I’m at a stop light!”  (It’s confusing to kids when you lecture about safety and you casually use your cell phone when they’re in the car.) Turn off media during mealtime. Shut down media early in the evening so the brain and body can relax. Avoid use of technology on family vacations, too.

5) Talk about the tough issues that may make you uncomfortable. 

Like ….sex, dating abuse, rape culture, hooking up, drugs and alcohol, and the effects on the teen brain.  Organizations exist that have scripts and toolkits for parents of adolescents on how to initiate a conversation.

Friends are more important to teens than anyone else, so talk about that, too. Friends can be like a drug stimulant to a teenager and that’s why they do risky things with friends. It’s how the brain works. It’s a social high.

This is also why humiliation by peers can be expereinced as a final blow and can result in teen suicide. We see it again and again. It’s heartbreaking.Talk to them about the meaning of intimacy, friendship, social responsibility and leadership. (“Why is so cool to be cruel these days? Where does that come from? Do you think that’s why So&So sent out that text?”)

Don’t know when to bring it up? Find the quiet moment, like when you are driving or sitting around watching a show.  This makes it easier when the inevitable girl drama, or social slight, or stupid incidents happen – or, god forbid, a tragedy close to home. You’re building a foundation for conversation – and by being open and non-judgmental you’ve set forth the values of thoughtfulness, appropriate behavior, and respect.

6) Be a role model. 

Behave in a manner you want your children to follow.  What you do is more important than what you say. Uphold your core values. Be brave. Walk the talk.

It’s as simple as that.

* * *

Resources:

There is a teachable moment every day – from stories of the schoolyard to the media they consume. Ask about your child’s day. Be perpared when sticky things come up. Here are excellent resouces for parents:

  • Catherine Steiner-Adair  – Her new book comes out Aug 2013,  The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood, Family and Relationships in the Digital Age. (She recenlty spoke at the Atrium School, in Watertown, MA.)
  • Miss Representation  – Watch the film with your teens. Educate yourself on current and problematic gender stereotypes in our culture
  • Spark Movement  – Girls empowerment movement
  • Common Sense Media  – Guides for parents on media
  • Drugfree.org  – Toolkits for parents on substance use, additictions, and getting help

Filed Under: Mothers & Daughters, Rants & Raves Tagged With: boys, cruelty, dad, girls, girls culture, media, mom, online, parenting, PhD, pornography, schools, tara Cousineau, teenagers, texting, violence prevention

Primary Sidebar

Follow Me

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

Meet Dr. Tara

Meet Dr. Tara Cousineau

Short n’ Sweet: Sign Up Today!

Available Now

Limited Supply! Order Today.

Take my free quiz.

Matters in Kind by Dr. Tara

Weekly Wisdom on all matters related to kindness--

Straight to your inbox!

Tweets by taracousphd

Recent Posts

  • Igniting Wonder, Sparking Joy
  • RBG’s Shoulders
  • Commit to Being Calm and Connected
  • Little Wake Up Calls Everywhere
  • Unblocked: Seeing Clearly Our Structural Racism
  • No Time Like The Present

Search Blog Topics

Tags

apps body image boys brain Brene Brown coming of age compassion courage culture daughter Daughters Dr. Tara Cousineau empathy Empowerment Facebook friendship girls girls culture gratitude kindness leadership love media meditation mindfulness moms mother Mothers parenting parents PhD resilience Self-Care Self-Compassion Self Esteem social media social networks tara Cousineau technology teenagers teen brain teens texting The Kindness Cure tweens

Categories

Archives

  • Terms of Service
  • Privacy Policy
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2021 Tara Cousineau, PHD · Site by Design by Insight

Copyright © 2021 · Infinity Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in