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Tara Cousineau, PhD

Clinical Psychologist, Kindness Warrior

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Caution: Soul-Searching Mama Traveling With Teenager

August 3, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Traveling in Malaysia and Indonesia for almost three weeks with my teen daughter has been relatively easy in spite of the fact that she ignores me. So I’ve taken total advantage of this state of affairs. I’ve gone AWOL.  Since she’d rather be with her traveling BFFs, I’ve learned that I can actually allow myself to relax between meals and airport checkpoints.

I’ve embarked, rather accidentally, on a mini soul journey and daily practice of self-compassion. I figure it’s a good time to walk the talk of what much of what I teach to my clients. After all, I have no excuse since I don’t have much Internet access to distract me (and neither does my daughter); I don’t have to do laundry; and for god’s sake it’s a vacation after all. And my BFF, our hostess and the mom of her BFFs, who now lives in Kuala Lumpur, has lovingly seen to it that I see a masseuse, an energy healer, and a Chinese medicine doctor. She’s a good friend indeed.

Here are three things I’ve learned as a soul-searching mom traveling with teenager.

UnthetheredSoul1)  Be Kind

It’s never too late to be kind to yourself. I found I could nurture my soul in spite of the constant banter of four teenage girls. I simply tuned them out. I put myself on top of the priority list for a few days. That gave me time to read: in the airports, on the flights, and in the middle of the night wide-awake on East coast time.

I’ve already two books in less than a week: The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer and Untethering the Soul by Michael Singer (twice). I’m re-reading Singer’s bestseller as I found it so moving. The first time I simply read it in awe. I’m now I’m underlining my favorite parts, which is about two thirds of all the pages. He writes, for instance:

You have a wellspring of beautiful energy in side of you. When you are open you feel it; when you are closed you don’t.

Sometimes you pick up a book and it’s no accident it was waiting for you.

Statue at Entrance (Bliss B&B) © TCcousineau 20132) Be Quiet

When you start to pay attention to your inner life you begin to witness all the unnecessary chatter in your own head. I’ve been practicing this for years – or rather I’ve been playing tag with mindfulness meditation. I go in fits and starts. Then things like missed school buses rob me of the most sacred time of day. Ah, the busyness of life.

So here I am on the other side of the world with few concerns other than my daughter’s peanut allergy. As it turned out, when I tuned into my internal dialog I found it was louder than those four teenage girls. So much for me telling them to quiet down. It was also rather boring; at times it was rather harsh; and overall, my inner voices were not nearly as loving and silly as the girls’ constant gab. I decided to stand back and witness both my chatter and theirs. I came to appreciate these inner and outer voices for that they were… voices.  It is true that much of what we tell ourselves we’d never utter aloud to a dear a friend. I had all the evidence in and around me.

3) Be Open

Every stranger I’ve met has offered me a gift. It’s as if they somehow know that “self-care” is frowned upon in my culture; that any attention to oneself, or pampering, is considered a luxury rather than a  birthright.

No more.

The Masseuse, with her hot stones sliding and clicking along my spine, brought to me a state of intense warmth and relaxation. It was an experience in which a trace memory appeared: a babe wrapped in loving arms. It moved me to tears.  That led to my more accessible memories of swaddling my own baby girls. Pure love. Joy. Gratitude.

Accept Allow Forgive LoveThe Energy Healer could “see” even before meeting me a pain in my right arm (true!) and  “a tear in my heart chakra.” A tear, as in rip, rupture, or fissure. The statement  brought me to tears.  How many of us carry broken hearts from some part of our lives? Apparently, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I had just read  a line in Untethering the Soul:  Very few people understand the heart.

Here I was with a person I had never met before and she saw right to my heart and old bottled up wounds. Never had I felt so vulnerable. Ever. Yet, she was kind, intuitive, and began a process of releasing my stuck energy patterns. I thought I had been over all this before. You don’t become a therapist without immersing yourself in your own treatment. Yet, this was clearly different kind of therapy and tapped something much deeper than reruns of  my life’s narratives. It was about letting go of them.  She had four words for me: Accept. Allow. Forgive. Love. She sent me off with a powerful breath focused visualization.

On the third day, the Chinese Medicine Doctor asked “What your problem?” and read my pulse carefully. He told me my liver and kidney chi were overactive, constricting my chest. What? Back to the heart?

“The energy shifts and variations that take place in the heart run your life,” Singer writes in his book. “But in truth you are not your heart. You are the experience of your heart.” 

The doctor gave me seven days worth of mystery bark and berries to brew into a “balancing” tea. The very act of brewing my own tea left me with pause for all the learning I had just done.  It was hard to swallow.

* * *

Now we are in Bali surrounded by temples. We are literally stepping over daily offerings to gods left on the sidewalks and doorways. We are meeting a kind people who are always smiling; and we are among a community in tune with nature and spirit. Here, my heart is light; the path made easier by my three healers, two books and dear friends.

My daughter has little sense of what I’m experiencing, but in her self-involved adolescent world she is noticing that I’m taking care of myself. She’s become curious.

Now she wants a massage, too. Intrepid as they are the girls booked four massages – together, of course, $10 a piece.

It’s a start.

Filed Under: Balance, Inspirations, Mothers & Daughters, Promises to Myself Tagged With: compassion, daughter, girls, meditation, mindfulness, mother, relaxation, self, travel

Picturing Our Role Models: One Photographer’s Vision

May 16, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Every once in a while there is a book, or a performance, or piece of artwork, that speaks to the heart. Jaime Moore’s photography series of her daughter juxtaposed to historical woman leaders is nothing short of breathtaking. That is, one must stop and take a pause to soak in each pair of photos.

ameliaandemmapostsizelogo
(c) Jaime Moore Photography

In the recent public outcry over the make over of an animated Disney princess i.e., sexualizing Brave’s tomboyish main character Merida (see previous post), Jaime Moore’s thoughtfulness in brings to bear the very nature of female role models. Who are our role models? Who are our girls’ role models? Are they even real?

I had a great aunt who took pilot lessons late in life. As a girl I had her pictured in my mind as Amelia Earhart. As such, both the images of my Aunt Juanita and Amelia gave me courage when I needed it most as a girl. So when I saw the series on Ms. Moore’s site, I did catch my breath.  How brilliant to engage her daughter in dressing up as these historical figures! One can only imagine the conversations that took place during the various photo sessions, assuming all went well.

role model, noun

a person whose behavior, example, or success is or can

be emulated by others, especially by younger people.

(Random House, Inc . 2013)

Many of today’s children look to figures in media and sports as role models, so much so that a new value for Americans today is to be famous. The role models in the media are dominated by performers and celebrities—they are distant and glamorized and in your face.  In reality, role models who have an authentic and positive impact on children’s self-esteem are people who are present in their lives and who spend quality time by engaging in meaningful activity.

Historical family figures are also valuable because of the connection to personal histories—stories of where we came from and what circumstances brought us to life. Telling stories of various characters in the family history can also make a strong impression and give a sense of resilience, fortitude and grit.  The time we take to share stories among family is, in and of itself, wonderful. If only we spent more time choosing stories to share—those that evoke the values we would like our child to hold: courage, compassion, kindness, industriousness, and responsibility, among others.

So while most of us will not be setting up photo shoot—no matter how alluring such an idea is for mothers, Jaime Moore’s work certainly forces us to reflect on who our role models are. Thank you, Ms. Moore, for sharing your world.

Now what stories will you share with your children?

Filed Under: Courage, Inspirations, Mothers & Daughters Tagged With: amelia earhart, compassion, daughter, family, girls, grit, history, role model, story telling

My Daughter’s First High Heels

January 22, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

High Heals © Tara Cousineau

 

She said she needed a pair to tan flats for the older girl’s sweet 16 party. That’s what I heard anyway. So when Sophie bopped into the car with her mall pals I said, Let’s see the shoes!

Silence.

She pulled them out. A pair of high heels.  Yes, tan. I paused.  Impulsively, I gave her the look.

I thought you said flats, honey?

No. I said I needed tan shoes to go with my coral dress.

Those are really high, I mutter.

Her friend rather politely says, My mother prefers that I didn’t wear high heels, either.
(Thanks, friend. Might you have piped up at the store?)

I was instantly catapulted back to my little attic bedroom with the floral wallpaper and slanted ceilings. There, in the crawl space at the far end of my teenage hideway, I hid a pair of shocking red high heels.

My mother would have killed me. Or rather, she would have gone into full hysteria, waling about how hard she works raising us girls all by herself, and what do we have to show her for it. And so on. Then she’d pray.

I was 17 at the time.  I worked at a shoe store in town. I got an employee discount. Had my mother discovered the red shoes I would have pulled out the “it’s my money” card or “you can’t tell me what to do anymore” or point out all the expensive shoes she hid in her closet for her job in the city.  (Of course, I knew where to look).

Ah, my not-so little girl and her new pumps.

It was a moment of mourning.

Sitting there turning on the engine, I thought, here is my choice point. She knows how I feel. I could demand that she return them. That would cause a fuss.  An angry exchange, more likely. Humiliation in front of friends; potentially more so in front of a hip sales clerk at Charlotte Russe. It would ruin her night at the party. The anticipation would have been punctured. The girls were giddy about going to an older teammate’s coming of age celebration. For weeks, they had been texting pictures of dresses, even though they only own one or two since the 8th grade dance—a mere 6 months ago.

Or I could let it go.

So I did.  I took a breath. I thought about my red high heels, and all the other secrets I had in order to preserve whatever relationship I had with my mother. In the 30 seconds it took me to back out of the parking space and scan their bright faces, I thought: These little ladies will wear their high heels for about 5 minutes. Then they’ll dance barefoot.

And they did.

 

Filed Under: Mothers & Daughters Tagged With: coming of age, daughter, dresses, friends, high heels, mother, party, PhD, tara Cousineau

Cosmic Whispers and Momentary Truths

January 11, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Josie in Window © Tara Cousineau
I take delight in the collective hysteria about the end of the world hype that cycles in from time to time. “The world’s ending today, Mom,” announced Josie a few weeks ago. “Maybe I’ll see you later,” she declared as she bounded up the driveway to catch the bus. Huh. I got a cup of tea, read the daily horoscope in the Globe, and checked my inbox for other insights on the  various upcoming endings and beginnings. I love receiving astrological emails even though I pay no mind to most. Inevitably, the messages are about some planetary configuration: “The new Moon is in Sagittarius.” Often there is a mystical call to action: “Set up to 10 intentions before noon Eastern time!” “Thursday is the day to plant seeds.” I take comfort in these cosmic declarations offering hope. Mostly, they remind me to tap into my intuition, slow down, and reflect.

No matter what dates may hold meaning there is upon us an opportunity to push the emotional reset button. How about a story about renewal? That’s what I’ve been asking myself. What’s the story I want to create? Not the new me or new body or fresh start. What’s the story I want my peeps to know about me? How can visualize that me when I stop for a moment, or look up at the sky, or out my kitchen window?

So I got to writing down my own personal intentions. These are reminders for myself – like my guideposts for a balanced life – as antidotes to a wired  life. They are the seeds for the story I want to create.

Self-Compassion

  • I will not be by own worst critic.
  • I intend to treat myself with the same kindness and respect I bestow on the people I love most in my life.

Walk the Talk

  • I will be the person I hope my children will grow up to be. I will show kindness, understanding, forgiveness and fortitude.
  • I’m not always right. I will acknowledge my mistakes and model the courage it takes to make amends and take responsibility.
  • I will be brave. I will take risks to do things I believe in and am passionate about. 

Connection

  • I will engage fully in the world and with loved ones, because I know in my heart that belonging, loving and feeling loved matter
    most.

Gratitude

  • I will hold the world in wonder just as a child does and embrace the joyful moments as they arrive.

Boditude

  • I will treat my body as sacred no matter what its shape, size or ability.
  • I will push aside self-comparisons and model for daughters that the beauty culture does not define who I am or who they are. Fitting in is not important, but believing I am worthy is.

Mindfulness

  • I intend to be present in my life every day, to notice and be aware of my world and how I engage in it.
  • I have clarity on my values and my goals. I will live by them.

Patience

  • I will take time to witness, be present and allow positive growth to unfold.
  • I will take time to rest and restore.

Indulgence

  • I will eat chocolate ice cream with reverence and honor the abdundance in life.

Ice Cream Spoons ©Tara Cousineau

Filed Under: Inspirations, Promises to Myself Tagged With: astrology, boditude, compassion, daughter, gratitude, indulgence, intentions. mother, mindfulness, patience, Phd New year, role model, story, tara Cousineau

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