Tara Cousineau, PhD

Clinical Psychologist, Kindness Warrior

empathy

Courage Rising

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For the past two weeks I have been commuting to a new job.

  • Warming up the car in sub zero weather.
  • Hat, gloves, earbuds, lunch bag, and snacks.
  • A lanyard with an ID and building pass.
  • A highway drive to a parking lot, two trains, and a short walk.  

All told: It’s about 2 1/2 to 3 hours per day, four days a week, enmeshed with humanity. This is a big change for me. I am reminded of sending my youngest daughter off for her first day of kindergarten and she didn’t want me to take a photo. I was excited for her.  She was scared.

One of my intentional words for this year is courage. Researcher and storyteller, Brené Brown reminds us that the root word of courage, cour, means “heart.” Writer and social activist, Glennon Doyle, reminds us the courage also contains the word “rage,” where heartbreak can be turned into action. Both teach that vulnerability is a key to connection and transformation — and is necessary in order to be brave when facing the small and big moments in life.

The silver lining in the new commute is that I now have time to listen to podcasts. I find myself laughing aloud or shedding a tear. I use this as my time for meditation and education. In a recent interview about courage with Glennon Doyle and her partner, Abby Wamback (On Being with Krista Tippett), Doyle shared the following:

We say all the time with our kids, everything’s a pattern. It’s first the pain; then, the waiting; then, the rising — over and over and over again. Pain, waiting, rising. And when we skip the pain, we just never get to this rising.

Glennon Doyle

I loved this phrasing. Pain, waiting, rising. It reminded me of Fred Rogers as I was picturing my daughter with her little backpack all those years ago; and me now carrying my backpack and embarking on a new, uncertain journey. How we must we rise to the occasion in spite of fear. It has to do with the word “encourage,” which means to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope; to hearten. Mr. Rogers said,

As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has — or ever will have — something inside that is unique to all time. It’s our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression.

in The World According to Fred Rogers

That’s how I feel about my work when counseling and coaching others. We are all sparks of the divine, and sometimes we need to shine our light on other’s hidden gifts with our presence, patience, empathy, and encouragement. Can we do this for ourselves, too?

First Day

Empathy Hurts. Empathy Heals.

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“It all your fault,” my daughter sniveled as we shared an entire box of tissues. “I inherited this from you.” She was accusing me of endowing her with an overabundance of empathy as we watched the film adaptation of the young adult novel Wonder by R.J. Palacio. Auggie Pullman is a 5th grader who was born with a facial deformity. He’s a Star Wars geek. He hides under an astronaut helmet that is as publicly conspicuous as his face, but at least allows him some measure of safety from the stares and cruelty of others. The story heartbreakingly shows the complexity of being human, what it means to be different from the norm, and serves up the usual suspects of friend and foe on the cusp of coming of age. The story also evokes—for  anyone with a beating heart—the essentiality of love, belonging, and the healing energy of kindness.

By midnight my daughter and I were surrounded by a sea of twisted white tissue and debris. The film obviously worked the story’s magic for both of us and served as an emotional release. It was another tumultuous week of emotional highs (teens rising) and emotional lows (a federal proposal to arm teachers with concealed weapons)—at least for us.

Here’s the thing: Empathy hurts. We feel sadness or anger or pain when another person feels sadness or anger or pain. That’s emotional empathy. These feelings can lead to empathic distress. We can also mirror uplifting emotions like joy, care, pride, love, and compassion for another’s suffering. This can lead to empathic concern. As such, empathy can tie us together in ways that illuminate our deep connection. Similarly, we can imagine the feelings of another person without necessarily being caught up in heightened emotional states. That’s cognitive empathy. Evoking the imagination is what allows us to be moved by real and fictional stories, too. That’s why reading novels helps promote empathy. We can picture ourselves in the shoes of another person and taking on roles.

But empathy is tricky. We need a good balance of both the emotional and cognitive elements to ignite motivational empathy, or the kind of empathy that allows us to reflect on our reactions without being flooded by difficult emotions. This takes some emotional muscle. There is an art and skill to rumbling with empathy that allows us to calm ourselves and, if and when possible, choose compassionate action. I describe this in detail in my book, The Kindness Cure.

So if you are feeling upset or distressed by recent events, that’s totally understandable. The experience of empathic distress maps to neural networks in the brain similar to that of physical pain. It hurts. I’d be concerned if you weren’t (on some level) moved by yet another school shooting or by any suffering for that matter, even if how you and I decide to respond is different.

The sobering truth is that my daughter and I could finish watching Wonder with relative feelings of safety. We could tuck ourselves in and imagine how we’d stand up to those mean 7th graders that roughed up Auggie. We can also decide what, if anything, we want to do about current events. In this way we are privileged, blessed, lucky—or all of the above. We have freedom to choose a course of action. Of course, that privilege can change at any moment. That’s why it is so important to be present to the unfolding of life and to recognize our inherent responsibility in caring for one another—in spite of differences in how we look, where we come from, or in what we believe—because we can.  Empathy also can heal us.

Maybe that’s why the rising voices of young people is so refreshing: they are unapologetic, demanding, and focused on putting compassion in action. They care about the basic needs of children to feel safe and loved. They’re putting up a fight. They’re demanding respect.  They feel empowered. And they are demonstrating a universally understood imperative of the Golden Rule. There’s a quote in my book from a spiritual master that’s worth repeating here:

True kindness does not have an agenda or ulterior motive; it is an instinctual response that can feel highly energized and even fierce. Yes, kindness can be fierce. Chögyam Trungpa, a Tibetan Buddhist teacher, goes so far as to say that a compassionate mind is a warrior’s mind. ‘To understand our self-nature, as well as the self-nature of humanity, we should focus on what has beauty and dignity among humankind. Doing so will rid you of a fearful mind, and change it into a spiritual warrior’s mind.’ To overcome your fears of living in a world where painful things happen, expand your compassionate nature. Because it is innate. Know that what you do matters to others, so be caring and careful about your actions. Be a kindness warrior.

The challenge today is that we have an overexposure to negativity and underexposure to the goodwill in the world. Our attention is constantly diverted away from ordinary moments of kindness. We forget that there is so much we can appreciate and love. Let’s try looking a little closer.  We might just see the beauty and dignity among humankind. And that’s worth fighting for.

 

  • Coming in March is Palacio’s newest work, a picture book for younger children called We’re All Wonders. It introduces Auggie and the themes of kindness, empathy and tolerance.
  • The book Wonder inspired the Choose Kind Campaign and there is also an app for that! It’s called Daily Wonder. 
  • To be human is to be kind—at all stages and ages—including creating caring cultures at work. Join in the conversation in an upcoming webinar for the workplace hosted by Whil.com:  The Kindness Cure: A Prescription for Engaged and Successful Workplaces.  Tell your colleagues and co-workers. You can register here: http://bit.ly/2EuecOL

Photo by Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash

Illustration of Auggie: Wonder by R.J. Palacio

What, not who, are you voting for?

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Sometimes it seems that life is indeed  stranger than fiction. This is how I feel about the 58th presidential election. With that said, I am make making an appeal to you.

Vote for democracy. Vote for Hillary.

First, let me tell you a story. When my daughter Sophie was three years old she chose to be Buzz Lightyear for Halloween. I was so delighted that at least for one season we avoided the princess theme. She was so cute standing there with her wings, shouting “To infinity and beyond.”

sophie-as-buzz

From then on the characters of Toy Story had a very large presence in our household. We had the Woody and Jessie dolls, of course. And, yes, like Andy’s mom, we eventually donated those toys in a box to the local church. When Toy Story 3 came out in 2010 my daughters were almost too old see it with their friends. Instead, we went as a family and snuck in the back row of the amphitheatre above all the littler kids. Toy Story 3 is by far the creepiest of the trilogy, which took me totally by surprise.  

Here’s the quick synopsis. It’s where Woody, Buzz, Jessie and the rest of the cheerful toy gang are destined for an uncertain future as Andy, their human owner, goes off to college.  Instead, the toys find their fate in the Sunnyside Daycare Center, where a mad doll, Big Baby, and a sociopathic bear, Lotso (Lots O Huggin’ Bear), run a prisoner-of-war like operation.

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It’s the typical hero’s journey formula. The good toys ban together in an underground resistance, attempting to free all the other toys from the dictatorship. But there is a disturbing scene that could give nightmares to any three to five year old who goes to bed with their beloved stuffed animals. It’s where Woody and his pals find themselves close to the end of their lives, trapped in a garbage truck, and scooped into a trash incinerator. Woody, realizing that the end is in sight, holds his friend’s hands in a gesture of love and solidarity.

As they are about to be consumed by flames, I’m clutching the arms of the seat. I blurt out “Ohmygod. It’s the holocaust!” My Sophie turned to me and said, “Jeez, Mom! Calm down.”

Toy Story 3, Pixar

When we walked out of the theater my family ribbed me for being overly sensitive. I have a reason. My mother came over from West Germany after World War II to make a better life for herself. She was not a victim of the holocaust, but she suffered the ravages of war as a small child, hiding in bomb shelters and living in poverty. The cloak of her cultural history enveloped all of us growing up. Learning about Nazi Germany was a gradual unfolding for me, at times quite distressing, and too horrible to comprehend. Ok, so maybe I am sensitive.

Life is Stranger than Fiction

And here I am – a half a century later no less, watching a new cultural scene unfold before my eyes, where it’s entirely possible that the next leader of the United States of America espouses ideology so dangerous, so incendiary, that we are at risk of eventually losing our basic freedoms and human rights. I’m not being dramatic. There are historical precedents in history of other countries’ slow walk toward fascism. A Trump presidency could open the floodgates, or the door for the next leader in line, perhaps someone brighter, more polished, better contained, and highly calculating. That individual could even be someone qualified, with a history of public-service, with a facility for diplomacy, and a basic understanding of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. But this future person is also power hungry, racist, misogynist, exclusionary, paranoid, and harbors an extremist mentality that serves not the many but the few. It is possible.

It doesn’t take a psychologist like myself to discern that Donald Trump has a severe narcissistic personality disorder, with seriously underdeveloped social and emotional intelligence, and an inability to self-regulate or take perspective. But he certainly has a skill: persuasion. And he appeals close to 40- 45% of the US population. Some of my friends are in that cohort. My friends are kind, intelligent, and want the best for their families and their communities. They strive for safety, success, and happiness. And yet it is very difficult for me to understand how the people I admire and love could support such an unstable and dangerous candidate. For the most part, I’ve concluded that they are making the anti-Hillary vote. I can understand that as well. People either hate the Clintons or they hate what they think of as the elite politician and “the establishment.” Many of my friends wanted Bernie Sanders. I listened to Bernie recently and he tells his supporters to go look at the facts and issues (yes, I know it’s hard to find unbiased assessments), and stay out of the myopic personality contest that has hijacked the media and the debates. It seems like wise advice but I don’t think many people are in a state of mind to step back and deeply look at the important issues  facing the American public and our children’s futures, not to mention the future of our planet and all of its inhabitants. (Are you aware that a third of the Great Barrier Reef disappeared this year? Or, that we have the greatest humanitarian crisis of our generation happening in Syria?) 

Love Your Neighbors

Second, as some of you know, I’m working on a project on kindness. This means that I’m taking a hard look at empathy and listening to lots of people’s stories. It’s been heartening and also eye-opening. There are cultural trends tracked by various surveys. Some show that narcissism is on the rise while levels of empathy are on the decline. It makes sense that those go hand-in-hand, as one goes up the other goes down.

One measure of empathy used in social science research (by Professor Mark Davis) is called the Interpersonal Reactivity Scale, a rather apt title for our times. We should all take it. Four components of empathy are identified. Two relate to cognitive empathy and two relate to emotional empathy.  The questions are stated in positive and negative directions, on how well (or not) the item describes you on a five point scale. Here’s a worthwhile glance at all four categories to give you the flavor.

Cognitive Empathy

Perspective taking is about the ability to adopt the perspectives of other people and see things from their point of view while suspending your own feelings or opinions (that involves inhibitory control, too). Examples or questions include:

  • I’m sure I’m right about something so I don’t waste much time listening to other people’s arguments. (-)
  • I believe that there are two sides to every question and I try to look at them both. (+)

Another component is fantasy which is a kind of  “imagination empathy” where you can identify with emotions and experiences of people or characters in movies, novels, and stories. (Just as I can identify with the plight of Toy Story’s characters.) This is the ability to mentally place yourself in another’s shoes. Stories are excellent ways to cultivate empathy. (Listening to real stories on The Moth radio hour is one good way to do this.)

  • I really get involved with the feelings of the characters in a novel when I watch a good movie. (+)
  • Becoming extremely involved in a good book or movie is somewhat rare for me. (-)

Emotional Empathy

Empathic concern is about being able to arouse feelings of warmth, tenderness,  and concern for others. Relating to the suffering of another person and wanting help is called compassion. We have the cellular blueprint for empathy, kindness and compassion otherwise the human race would not have survived.

  • Other people’s misfortunes do not usually disturb me a great deal. (-)
  • I am often quite touched by the things that I see happen. (+)

On the other hand, we can also naturally experience personal distress or the feelings of anxiety and discomfort that can happen from watching another person’s negative experience like a person in pain for instance (Consider the plight of Syrian refugees when you hear them tell their story, being homeless on the street begging, or when you kid is writhing in pain after breaking a leg. DIfferent situation trigger different responses.)

  • Sometimes I feel helpless when I’m in the middle of a very emotional situation. (+)
  • When I see someone get,hurt, I remain calm. (-)

Obviously, empathy is an extremely important inner quality and it’s something that develops over time through supportive and loving relationships and experiences in life. It’s also something that can be cultivated. That’s the hopeful message.  We can actually train the neural networks that stream through our brains – through various practices that include:

  • mindfulness
  • loving kindness meditation and reflection
  • gratitude
  • forgiveness
  • cultivating positive emotions
  • getting to know people who aren’t like you
  • considering other points of view
  • collaboration
  • prioritizing health and wellness

Love Trumps Fear

Third, it is very difficult to tap our empathic roots when our brains are hijacked by fear. I believe that many Americans are in a constant state of fear and feel threatened, whether that is real or imagined. And that’s why Donald Trump is so good at persuading people that we live in an unsafe and dangerous world. He’s triggering the limbic brains of many people, poking at their emotional hot seat.

What happens in such a state of mind? When the mind perceives a threat, the brain’s amygdala (our alarm bell) goes off. When that alarm system is constantly on, it’s very hard to access the other parts of the brain that can regain some control (the prefrontal cortex or the executive functions). For instance, when this “inner coach” is accessed, you are able to calm down, take perspective, and regulate difficult or uncomfortable emotions. Think about a child in a temper tantrum. The only thing that can help that screaming child is to coach him on how to calm down until he learns to do this on his own. Over time the child gets better and better at managing emotions and can “reset.” Of course, we all get stuck in fear based responses no matter what age.  Life is hard. But the basics still apply.

Get Some Headspace, Open Your Heart

So friends, those of you who are on the fence, maybe it’s time to just sit still for a little bit and really take some time to think through what your vote might really mean for you and the American people. In finding a quiet space and lowering the mind chatter to step back from fear-based thoughts, there may be an opening to consider what is at stake. This is not an election of Republicans versus Democrats, this is a vote about an extreme and reckless ideology that can turn back hard-earned progress (women’s rights, civil rights, and human rights to name the biggies).

The outgoing president, whether you liked him or not, once said that our nation suffers from an empathy deficit. He’s not making that up. We are suffering from an empathy deficit, as surveys show, and it’s largely because we are locked in our limbic brains, in self preservation mode, and with a very narrow focus (me vs. them). Let’s step back and calm ourselves down and think rationally and reasonably about the greater good (me and we).

We all want what is best for ourselves and our loved ones. Yet, we also have to stretch ourselves and consider the existence and needs of others who may not be like us. We are a nation of immigrants. I am the daughter of one – the daughter of a once 19-year old German girl who courageously came from a country that had extremist ideology with tragic consequences on an unfathomable scale. That doesn’t mean that my mom or myself was a Nazi. Just as Muslim families who immigrated here are not extreme terrorists. Or that we have to build a wall to keep people out. Let’s get some bearings here.

Oh, and remember when a certain wall was knocked down? And a good thing, too.

(c) GDR Museum
(c) GDR Museum

Empowered Parenting & Leadership

If anything this election has questioned what it means to be a leader and how we lead in our daily lives. Parenting is a good place to start. People are influenced by the kind of parenting they had. There’s solid research that shows the healthiest parental-child relationships arise when the parenting style is authoritative (in contrast to permissive or authoritarian).  This authoritative style includes:  love and concern, consistency, clear expectations, respect, support for healthy striving, room for failure and new learning, and creating atmospheres where social, emotional and cognitive flexibility can grow. In contrast, authoritarian/overly strict or laissez-faire/permissive parenting results in major problems, interferes with the development of healthy attachment, and negatively impacts self-confidence, focus and attention, empathy, overall well-being, and life success. An authoritative style fosters social and emotionally intelligent children who can one day grow into kind, effective and inspirational people.  

An emotionally and socially intelligent style is good for leadership, too. Being benevolently authoritative involves being kind, consistent, showing concern for others and mutual respect. It involves being courageous, confident, calm and  cultivating an environment of safety, while at the same time setting limits, clear expectations, and accountability. This kind of leadership allows for growth, diversity, compassion, collaboration, creativity and innovation. People are craving this. Social and emotional intelligence is the hottest topic in corporate leadership and workplace education these days, not to mention schools. Somehow we need to infuse our political system with it. But we’ve got a bad seed running for the highest office. That he got this far is a travesty and a global embarrassment.

I’m exhausted from this presidential campaign to be honest. I can’t even be nice right now, my limbic brain is buzzing with fear for the future. Here’s the question:

You may not like Hillary, but do you really want an asshole leading this nation?

It’s hard to fathom that this will be the ninth election in which I will be voting. To me it is the most important election to date and it’s not about party lines. It’s the first presidential election in which my daughter, my little Buzz Lightyear, can vote. It’s an important milestone for her, and it is for all of us. What an election to start off with.

When we think about our families, our neighborhoods, and the community of the entire United States of America and beyond, the question of empathy matters and that question of leadership matters.  We are all not that separate from one another. In fact, we are not separate at all. I beseech you to find a calm still place in your hearts and minds. Last thing we need is to be scooped up into an incinerator of ideology.  

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More to explore

This says it all:

So much of our reactions and behaviors are unconscious. The Hidden Brain podcast gets it.  

When it comes to our politics family matters 

Too sweet or too shrill, the double bind for women

How can the United States heal after the election?

See also:

How to find the good in a nasty election cycle

5 things to tell your kids about the election

Empathy: Harry Potter’s Playbook

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potter-clipart-d5aade2db1cfd7207f01c02ab9d871f6I don’t know about you but I love the back to school vibe.  Of course, I have a high schooler who would be happy to prolong the summer as long as possible. If she could “apperate” she would. I remind her that if Harry Potter could survive a teacher like Dolorus Umbridge, so could she.

My first child is now off to college and I can’t help to reflect that Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was released the year she was born in 1997. (And now an 8th installment is here.) None none of us could have predicted what a big role the HP series would play in our family life. The Harry Potter series served as an essential survival guide for middle school and beyond.

Let’s take, for example, a few quotes to live by:

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.

It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.

I’m glad my newly minted college student took her ragged Harry Potter paperbacks with her. (“It’s my relaxation, Mom.”) That she can carry the lessons from Hogwart’s  with her into unknown territory will serve her well, no doubt.

J.K. Rowling is not only a brilliant storyteller, she also is a master teacher of empathy. That’s  what I love best. In 2008 J.K. Rowling gave a remarkable commencement speech at Harvard University entitled, Very Good Lives: The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination.  As the race for achievement and success takes priority over kindness, empathy and fairness among today’s parents and youth, this gem of a speech should be required reading for all. (You can view the speech here and get the little gift book).  Before Rowling even wrote the first lines of Harry Potter, she worked at Amnesty International and heard the crushing testimonies of torture victims. The invention of Death Eaters as well as Hermoine Granger’s Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare has new meaning after hearing her story. Yet, the author’s message is both timeless and urgent. We each have the capability to choose empathy simply by virtue of our imagination.

Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation; in its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathize with humans whose experiences we have never shared.

Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s places.

So as the kids stream back into the hallways of school and vie for their place in the social pecking order, it’s as good time as any to have the “empathy talk.”

Conversation starters:

  • What does kindness mean to you?
  • What’s  a good example of you being kind or someone being kind to you?
  • What’s something you can do every day to show kindness?
  • Do you know what the phrase means: “Put in yourself in another person shoes” or “Walk a mile in another’s shoes”? What are some example of you you can imagine being in other person place.
  • Do you think you have to have a similar experience as other people to understand their feelings?  Do you think you can imagine someone else’s life even if you don’t have the same?
  • What are some kind actions you can do today?
  • What have you noticed when people treat each other kindly?
  • Do you think you can treat yourself kindly when you have had a hard time? How might you do that?
  • What are your favorite books or stories about kindness and compassion? Why?

Check these out:

Read the Report by Making Caring Common (Harvard Graduate School of Education): The Children We Mean to Raise

Do you have a kindness story to share? Please do! I’m interveiing people for the book, The Kindness Cure

 

Image credit: (c) 2014 ClipArt Panda

 

7 Reasons Why I’m Hooked on Daring Greatly By Brené Brown

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 (or why I am diehard fan of her work)

DW_HeavyQuoteImages5

Every once in a while along the meandering paths of life, there comes a moment, maybe a chance meeting, a work of art, a dream, an intuitive hit, a relationship, a journey to a new land, or some hard work that pays off – that becomes a deeply transformative experience. As I get older, these moments read like post it notes or chapter titles across the timeline in my mind. 2013 was the year I turned 48.  It was my year of Awakening.

A Reiki teacher recently told me that 48 is a significant number; in fact, she said that every 12 years of life an alignment takes place. I think she is right. By age 12 I knew my life calling was to be a therapist after a significant incident; at 24 I met my husband; at 36 I had my second daughter and moved to a new, but very old New England home; 48 was a soulful year with a trip to Malaysia and Bali with my daughter Sophie. I met with various teachers, thought leaders, and healers of different stripes and colors, over the course of the year. I also received a huge innovation grant from the National Institutes of Health. It was incredible.

Indeed, my 48th year was a consolidation and a launch pad for my life’s work. I had already begun defining what I call the 5 Cs – compassion, commitment, connection, courage and confidence – as defining principles or core values of my work. And then the year unfolded in a remarkable way that affirmed all of these values.

Daring Greatly 1In 2013 I met and was taught by Rick Hanson, PhD (author of The Buddha’s Brain, and Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm and Confidence), Chris Germer PhD (author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion), Kristen Neff, PhD, (author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind), and Brené Brown (author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead and The Gifts of Imperfection). Maybe it took a while to find my tribe. On the other hand, the Universe unfolds in its own way and its gifts appear when we need them or when we can finally see them.

I’ve named this year, 2014, the year of Super Radiance, which refers to a phenomenon when the energy of disparate, living things illuminate or resonate. It was a phrase that jumped out at me when I listened to Lynne McTaggart’s book, The Intention Experiment. 2014 is also significant according to numerologists as it adds up to 7  no matter how you cut it  (2014 = twenty + fourteen = 34; 3+4 = 7 or 2 + 0 +1 + 4 = 7). The number 7 represents wisdom and understanding and the word for 2014 is “trust.”  I’ll take that.

Today I reflect on the work of Dr. Brené Brown, researcher and storyteller, and founder of the Daring Way™ method, in which I am a certified candidate.

Daring Greatly Book 2A funny happened recently, when I was toting  around her most recent book, Daring Greatly. It had been a long wintery day, and when I came home I didn’t even bother to empty my satchel and take out my laptop and charge it for the night. When I awoke the next morning, to my horror my water bottle leaked. My entire bag was soaked. Brené’s book (the one she signed!) was ruined.  But miraculously, the pages mopped up the water and my Macbook remained dry. All my work and intellectual property lives in that device!

It took weeks for the book to dry out. The pages are now crinkled and smudged. I have not yet replaced it. I still leaf through it for words of wisdom as I incorporate the method in to my practice.

Turning the yellowed pages got me to think about the “seven” reasons I have found the work so transformational. For me, the Daring Way™ method:

  1. Affirms the work my previous teachers at Mclean Hospital, Harvard Medical School, where I interned ages ago, the thought leaders who founded the Stone Center at Wellesley College, and who bravely championed a new way of thinking about human connections: the Relational Model in women’s psychology,
  2. Provides a common, non-judgmental language to talk about some of the most difficult but timeless experiences of the human condition: shame and vulnerability,
  3. Demonstrates how vulnerability is the flip side of courage and how we need to step into our vulnerability in order to be brave and show up in our lives,
  4. Embraces empathy and compassion as the antidotes to shame,
  5. Allows us to talk about shame not as a dirty word but as a universal experience that often keeps us small, scared, disengaged, and armored,
  6. Honors mindfulness as both a skill and a way of being that enables self-kindness and compassion toward others and fosters courage from the inside out,
  7. Re-introduces the word “wholeheartedness” into our lexicon as an attribute people can develop and live by in their personal, family and work lives.

Daring Greatly Book 3What’s so beautiful about the Daring Way method is that Brené Brown’s work is based on thousands of interviews of men and women. Through people’s stories – their own words – she has illuminated the keys to why some people can live with – or overcome – the most difficult life experiences and still be able to thrive. That’s why it the work is so relatable. And it’s also why it is so hopeful.

We all can adopt practices of compassion and courage as a way of being in the world. In small ways or big ways. Every day.

 

 

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A Gift of Self-Compassion: Parenting Your Inner Child

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Girl on dad's shoulders - Version 2

This is one of those way way back stories. It takes place in a small family room set up for my sister and me. It was a nook of sorts and had a black and white TV. Family lore has it that my first words were “I Love Lucy!” learned in that very space. There is no doubt in my mind that this could have been true. After all it was once a place where our family of four gathered to watch the Ricardo’s antics with reverence. It was the last place we could be found together before my parents finally divorced.

It was also the “playroom” where we played with dolls, built blanket forts, and colored. One day I was there with my best friend, Heidi. My first true friend. I met her at kindergarten orientation with Ms. Francin. We were paired together and it turned out we both lived along winding Old West Mountian Road. Later it was her dear family who showed me a different kind of home life.

This one day Heidi and I had gleefully discovered a new painting technique. We dipped our brushes in the murky watercolor set and whipped them. Back and forth, back and forth. We splattered tiny rainbow polka dots over the white sheets of paper in front of us. It was thrilling.

I didn’t learn of Jackson Pollock until I was grown up and every time I see a painting of his I think back to that fateful day. It resulted in one of my first clear memories of shame. My mother came in with a look of horror, followed by a litany of screams and German cuss words. She pulled me aside and spanked me in front of my new friend. I was confused. I was red hot.  Heidi froze in place. When I looked at the wall behind me I discovered that we had indeed “ruined” the walls. I instantly felt like I was a terrible little girl for having spoiled something of value belonging to someone I loved. And I had an unwitting accomplice.

The artist in me shut down.

Toward the end of the 6th grade, when I was about 11, we had to try out for the junior high chorus. I had loved singing as a young child. Apparently, I could blurt out the German lyrics of many a childhood lullaby. But I had become a shy girl in public. There were too many problems at home. Heidi had moved far away the year before. And while the school day was a reprieve, I held my breath for most of it. I barely spoke in school and when I was asked to sing a song in the concrete corridors of Barlow Mountain Elementary School – just in front of the gym doors where others could hear me – I became mute. The next year I ended up in music appreciation class with 20 obnoxious boys.

The singer in me shut down.

When I was in my first college English class I wrote a personal essay of what I thought was the triumph of overcoming the hardship of my postwar upbringing and of being the first child in my extended family to go to college. The classic story of a first generation American. The teacher gave me a C+ and told me visit the counseling and writing centers. It was the C+ that crushed me.

The writer in me shut down.

My childhood experiences are not uncommon. So many of us know intimately the empathic failures of the adults in our world. (Forgive them for they no know what they do). My mother was not a mean person. She was overwhelmed. The chorus judges were not bad people. The English teacher was green and didn’t know what to do once he got piles of personal stories. But who has that perspective as a kid?

Every one of us has closed off part of our selves because we learn in many small ways over a long time that who we are is never good enough. We have learned the language of comparison, judgment and perfectionism.

Yet I know that the little artist in me had some sense that I had self-worth for I grew up to love art and fashion. I know the singer in me has not died for my crooning in church moves me to tears – even if I get choked up and can only finish a hymn in a whisper. I know the writer in me lives in some small and big ways for I would not have been able to dabble with this blog or write a dissertation.

Now that I have my own girls I am mindful of my words and actions on their vulnerable hearts – I know I have failed them and will fail them. I also know something else. It is my instinct to nurture them the best way I know how. But it is a gift to also care for the child within myself even as I age. How can I not see my younger selves when I see my girls at their tender ages? It’s inevitable. For all the hurts I may have endured, something far greater and more beautiful persists. That is the courage to create, the willing to sing out of tune, and the commitment to speak my truth – on paper, in person, in prayer. I practice compassion for that shy, yet feisty girl.

A brave girl.

I bring her with me and let her know that all is well. I love her. She has been a great teacher. I carry her on my shoulders in triumph and together we go forth with whole hearts.

 

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KISS & Tell with Tweens and Teens

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Kids under the moon, dreamstime_s_25428709

Parents are freaked out. Freaked out. Maybe it’s part of the season, the time changing, darker days, a new moon, lunar eclipse, or the upcoming All Souls day.  But there is no mistaking it. The news has been full of upsetting stories involving 12 year olds (which I will save for last).

Kids are stressed out. Parents are stressed out. The world is bearing down unprecedented pressures, many of which play out in kids’ emotional and social worlds and are hidden from adult view.

Recently, I presented at several middle schools on the subject of raising confident teens. I call the seminar “Tweens in Balance.” The gist of the talk comes back to this: teenagers are like toddlers, just not as cute.

Or aliens.

Tweens and teens are strange indeed. There are good reasons for it. A massive transformation is taking place inside them and this contributes to lots of fits and starts, misunderstandings and impulsive actions.

Tweens are often irrational while parents try to be rational with them. It doesn’t work well.  They might just tell you to kiss off… more or less.

I spend a good amount of time on teaching some basics:  what’s going on in tweens’ brains at this stage of development and how parents can make heads or tails out of their moods and behaviors. I discuss how parents can feel empowered rather than confused – by understanding what’s going in their tweens’ cognitive and emotional life. I try to help them approach the teen years with a new perspective, a sense of humor, and some basic guidelines on how to communicate with them. There are plenty of funny stories to share.

But it’s no laughing matter. While tween brains are undergoing a massive remodeling, many of the connections are just forming.  Tweens have a hard time:

1) making rational and sound decisions

2) regulating emotions

3) understanding consequences

4) seeing a bigger picture

So keep things simple. Super simple.

KISS dreamstime

Yes, the KISS principle or (whatever version of the phrase that suits you.)

The bottom line is that parents need to be clear and consistent and connected. That’s means making expectations really clear, not changing up rules on the fly, and staying involved and engaged with your child. Tweens are old enough to be included in decision-making and setting up new rules. The ideal times are transitions such as starting middle school, high school, college, summer months, camp, etc.

Another thing is for parents to chill a bit: Avoid making demands, constructing lists of things for them to do, and above all, thinking you are a step ahead of them. Better to take a humble but methodical approach verses a controlling and erratic one.

Part of the reason that parents of teens are freaked out is that early adolescence is clearly a vulnerable time. There are so many distractions; tweens see their problems as HUGE and irresolvable; and most of all they care about fitting in and being accepted. Any slight or misunderstanding can seem like the end of the world to them, literally.

Also, it seems that younger tweens are suffering silently or simply don’t have coping skills to manage today’s pressure-cooker world. It’s as if no one is taking the time to teach our children:

EMPATHY – COMPASSION – EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Lets take for example, the cyberbullying case in Florida regarding the suicide of the 12-year old of Rebecca Ann Sedwick in September. It is nothing less than horrifying. Here is an example of how bullying and violence prevention protocols and parent education could have made the difference between a girl’s life and death in the year leading up to the tragic event. Many adults, including parents and educators, failed these girls. The alleged bullies,12- and 14-year-old girls, are being charged with a felony. It’s very controversial given their age. Then just last week a 12 year old boy in Reno, Nevada, shot a teacher at his middle school, wounded two other students, and then killed himself. Two teen girls in a near by town outside of Boston, just miles from where my family lives, took their lives last month. It kind of seems like an epidemic of childhood violence – against oneself or another.

Can’t we do more?

It helps to understand what’s going on with this age group in modern times. A young adolescent’s cognitive and emotional development is still in development. It’s a sensitive period. Social media and the current glamorization of power and violence create extremely limited views on how to handle conflict. Our culture, parenting, and educational systems simply do not take into account the “perfect storms” that can occur during this vulnerable stage of growing up. Stern consequences are in order, but jail or juvenile detention (as is being considered in the case of poor Rebecca Ann’s bullies)?

When it comes to kids who do really bad things, remedial programs, treatment, and community service need to be in place to foster empathy and compassion, problem solving, conflict resolution and thoughtful decision-making. This may take years in the making for some children. For other young people, helping them understand that problems can be solved and that asking for help is a first step. But teens don’t know this or the information isn’t sinking in. It’s not sinking in!

Let’s be real: this means consistent prevention initiatives during middle and high school — and appropriate consequences for children and teens that become tormentors. We have to do more. The question for parents is: What can you do in your own home life to create the conditions to raise emotionally connected and compassionate children?

Consider this: Parents are the greatest influence in their children’s lives. Parents can help children navigate the challenges of growing up, build resilience in the face of a culture that reduce feelings to emoticons, rating and likes. You – yes, you – can teach them the value and gifts of every person’s life and let the know that no matter what, they are not alone when they are struggling.

Keep It Simple. Keep It Kind. Keep It Real.

So as with toddlers, we have to repeat things over and over with tweens and teens – patiently, respectfully and without judgment. Every day. Right now.

Go.

 

 

Could Your Daughter Be A Mean Girl?

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Mean Girls (iStock Photo)I may be half way around the world, but the local Boston news still reaches me.  The one that struck a cord? A story about a family filing a civic suit against the Concord-Carlisle school system for their failure to respond to over two years of alleged bullying toward a female student, Belle. For the most Belle and her parents, after valiant attempts to get the school and police to intervene, were left to fend for themselves. The student spent half of high school in fear. With only one side of the story in the press, it raises questions not only about what schools can do (or need training to do), but what parents can do over the course of rearing their children. I’m the parent of two teenage girls and this case strikes fear in a mother’s heart.

No mother ever wants her daughter to be the victim of bullying and no mother wants to discover her daughter is a bully.

But when girls are being raised in a rampant mean girl culture, what can moms do?

1) If You Fear It, Predict It

It’s primal. All moms remember the social humiliation of growing up and all moms want to prevent their children from suffering. As such, moms can make it a point to talk openly about bullying – starting from the sandbox and revving it up throughout the middle school years and beyond.

There are plenty of opportunities over the course of raising children to discuss bullying and the different roles girls play, such as the classic triad: the bully, bystander and victim. Don’t leave it to the schools only. Children need repeated lessons and role modeling when it comes to emotional and social intelligence.

From early on moms can discuss with their daughters the possible motives and feelings of girls in any of these bullying roles, and wonder what it must feel like.

A brave and honest mom can also predict that her daughter might find herself in any of those positions as she goes through life. Most moms, if they are human, have a childhood story about being mean or cruel, having been the target of teasing, or watched a classmate be tormented and didn’t know what to do about it.  Making the situation real for daughters can help alleviate the fear factor children have in telling parents about what happens in the schoolyard (online and offline).

Moms can begin talking about family values and expectations are around such situations in a non-judgmental manner; then, if ever a daughter experiences being bullied or participates in bullying she should feel assured that mom and dad will promise to listen with an open heart and brainstorm solutions. All kids make mistakes. It’s important for girls to know that there is truly a solution to every problem as long as they talk about them. Secrets don’t help anybody.

2)  Address Bullying Behavior Early

What does a mom do when she discovers her daughter is a bully and she denies it?

Girls typically don’t become bullies over night. Usually there are some signs along the way, even within the family dynamic. But sometimes the quiet, reticent child may exert her power over another child as a way to deal with her feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem, a strong desire to fit in, or jealousy. Socially, a girl may become part of a clique out of a high need for acceptance and affiliation that is stronger than her need to be kind and fair.

When there is clear evidence that one’s daughter has bullied another child and she denies it vehemently, there are a number of reasons, the first being emotional self-preservation. Children care what their parents think about them. Second, bullying behavior is learned from others, either in the home or peer environment; it didn’t arise out of nowhere.  It’s important for parents to recognize the possible reasons before reacting to her behavior. If she denies it, it may be because she is ashamed, or needs to be right or to win at all costs (perfectionist), or has friends who are also bullies (which, in her teen brain, justifies her part).  She may be also highly stressed and taking it out on others, has difficulty accepting responsibility for mistakes, or tends to blames other first.

Most girls cover up their bullying behaviors because they have some sense it is wrong and fear parental rejection. Girls are particularly adept at “relational bullying,” using verbal and exclusionary tactics that fly under the radar of adults. Addressing this behavior is best done from stance of understanding, support, and constructive problem solving. Out of this conversation comes an appropriate consequence. Depending on the situation, this may require some intervention and skill building from a guidance counselor, life coach or therapist.  When parents find out their daughter is being a bully, it can be difficult to address. This situation will inevitably bring up parental embarrassment, need to protect family reputation, and thoughts of “What did I do wrong? I didn’t raise my child to be cruel.”  These become teachable moments for the family, too, and an opportunity to work together to establish (or re-establish) core family values.

3) Strength in Numbers: Mom Meet-Ups

Prevention is key and establishing a community of like-minded moms can go along way in raising empathic and kind children.  Begin to form a strong network of moms when daughters enter 6-7th grade/middle school, if not earlier.  All too often moms are so busy, or overworked, or carting kids around to activities that there is no “space” to reset and reflect with other moms.

Regular mom meet-ups need not be complicated but rather simple, like a book club.  One way to begin a process is to come up with a series of topics or themes over the school year, such as bullying and mean girl culture, cyberbullying, social media use, puberty, boys, compassion and empathy, social action, dealing with coaches and teachers and so on. Moms can invite daughters to attend quarterly, especially if an expert can brought in. The purpose is to create a support group around raising confident and compassionate girls. This opens up communication channels among moms and builds a foundational network.  (In the case of Belle’s story, I wonder what could have been expedited early on if there was a group of a dozen or so vocal moms demanding school intervention or accountability.) Also, when daughters know that moms are meeting up regularly, watch out!  Girls will come to realize that there is a group of wise women trying to do the best they can for their daughters who are truly looking out for them.

4) Circle of Care: Mom Mentors

The mother-daughter relationship can be intense and girls are biologically wired to leave the nest during adolescence. Girls are also hardwired to bond with other girls as a survival strategy, sometimes referred to as “tend and befriend.”  They can create cliques that are seemingly impenetrable during adolescence and they create their own pacts. (The girls rumored to be the bullies in Belle case, called the “Sexy Seven,” denied any participation. To date no one has stepped forward or been identified.)

A girl’s need to be independent from mom and only be with her BFFs can make for trying situations. But the underlying thread in all of this? Girls still need their moms and they need strong female role models.

So bring them in. Identify mom mentors or adult female peers that daughters can contact or connect with other than mom.  These could be a few moms in the above-mentioned group, aunts, or respected adult female friends.  Just like girls do among themselves, an agreement or pact can be set up with the grown-ups for when the the girl feels she is in trouble or wants to talk with someone other than mom. Because mother-daughter relationship may be too intense, awkward, or strained from time to time, having other accessible women is key. This is how kinship cultures work. Also, there may be an issue or crisis that may feel embarrassing, like bullying and boyfriends, and it can be a relief that there is another go-to mom or young female role model as “confidant.” The mentor relationship should be confidential unless the “mentor mom” determines that there is a safety issue at hand. This can come in handy in situations of teenage drinking, when a girl would be too horrified to call home but knows she can count on another mom to pick her up. Moms would much rather have daughter get home safely (or to the mentor’s home) and deal with the situation the next day.

Because our world is operating at such a fast pace, where expectations are so high, and our culture amplifies the mean girl narrative, moms need to be in tune with what’s going on at school, online, and in the media. It requires a savvy level of attention without being intrusive. It’s a tricky line to tow, but more than ever moms need to empower their girls to be socially responsible and compassionate.  It starts at home but can’t be done alone. Moms are a powerful advocacy group. It just takes a few to start a local movement.

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