love

 

I have an overscheduled family and work life.  Sometimes it seems like we all we do is pass one another in the doorways. Or else we are carting a bunch of girls around – soccer fields, sport centers, gymnastic meets and last minute soccer tourneys.  Not to mention seeing clients, trying to grow a business, and remembering to give hubby a hug in passing. “Great job. You’re a great dad!”

Instead of resolutions for a new year, I decided to do more of a “reflect and reset.”  Reset the pace of life; re-evaluate my aspirations; and reflect on all I have to be thankful for. As I began to jot things down, I realized I was creating a series of guideposts to remind me of what works, instead of all the things I need to change, improve, or achieve. So whenever I feel really irritated or want to throw in the towel and run away from it all, I can remind myself of some tried and true principles.

1. Breathe

2. Practice Gratitude

 3. Yoga

 4. Dress in Comfy, Soft Clothes

 5. Adorn Self with Affirmations

 6. Journal

 7. Track Your Periods

 8. Go Outside

 9. Snack on Protein Snacks & Drink Water

 10. Tidy Office = Clear Mind

 11. Fresh Flowers

 12. Generosity

* * *

1. Breathe

This may seem obvious, but if I find myself in a frenzy – mentally or physically – it usually means my breathing is short and stuck in my upper chest.  If I stop for a moment I can hear my heart revving on this low-grade but rapid vibration.  This kind of breathing can easily launch a sense of panic. So I take a mini meditation with slow deep breaths: count to 10 on the in breath and count to 11 on the out breath. (It helps to have the out breath a tad longer.)

Yet, if I get impatient with myself in this exercise I tend to use words. Sometimes I even hum a refrain I picked up in a church.

When I breathe in, I breathe in peace.

When I breathe out, I breathe out calm. 

I might change the out breath to the word “love” if I’m particularly annoyed with a family member – usually my mother or my spouse.  A loving kindness breathing mediation can have an immediate, positive effect. Of course, this is something I teach to clients. But if I don’t practice it myself, I’m just a fraud. And frauds are easy to snuff out.

2. Practice Gratitude

The essence of a gratitude practice came to me later in life.  Having been raised in the Catholic tradition, the practice was to thank God, ask for forgiveness for sins, and do good deeds to avoid hell at all costs. It was shame, fear and guilt-based. It’s still alive and well in my family of origin and the childhood effects resurface now and again. Nurturing gratitude takes daily practice.

Feeling gratitude is the seed for cultivating joy and being aware of life’s gifts when they are right in front of you. A gratitude practice attunes my mind to the momentary delights in the midst of busy, chaotic or difficult circumstances – like the three snow angels I saw the other night from the second story of our house, sparkling under the light and shadow of a full moon. It was totally unexpected and took my breath away.  Moments like that remind me of my children, of the joy of childhood, of play, and of sheer delight of the season’s first snow and crisp winter skies.

Just writing about it makes me feel joy. Writing down these moments is a good practice. Gratitude journals have become popular because we need the physical tools of pen, paper or keyboard to make the experience tangible – otherwise the beautiful moments
will crumble to dust.My younger daughter, Josie, and I had such a moment recently. The others were away (soccer, of course) and we decided to build a fire together. Kids love building fires. So primal is the activity of fire making, I let her set it up and strike the match. Then we pulled out our journals and color pencils and enjoyed the quite time. Moments like these are sustaining and inoculate against daily hassles of life.

3. Yoga

I’ve been an avid yoga lover for over 25 years. I’ve tried many brands of yoga and at this stage in my life have settled on heated vinyasa flow. I’m sure I will change type of yoga when peri-menopause hits.  It took a while to adapt to 90-degree temperature in the studio, but I love it. Anything less feels cold to me now. The heat forces me to breathe deep and slow (see #1). The postures are like a meditative dance, which appeals to my love of ballet as a child and to my sense of aesthetic. Sometimes, just being in a child pose is so utterly healing I could weep from relief.

Yoga is a beautiful practice no matter what a person’s size, shape or body type. The practice of yoga nurtures inner beauty. On the days I’m up for an advanced power class, I get in a pretty good low-impact aerobic workout, too. I feel detoxified and cleansed. I believe yoga is why I look younger than my age. On occasion, when I do reveal my age, people are surprised.  “Well done!” a friend exclaimed to me when she learned I was five years older not younger than she.  But the answer to youthfulness is easy for me: decent genes and diet, being wrinkled-free from sun deprivation in New England … and regular yoga.

I feel like I’m in pajamas all day and therefore in a relaxed state of mind. I’m geared up to have coffee at the last minute with a colleague and be respectably fashionable with little effort. And most importantly, I’m in a prime position to hop into a yoga class whenever my schedule or my girls’ schedule allows. (I have a yoga mat in each one of the family cars, too). The other advantage to such attire should it lead to a yoga class is that I get in deep breathing (#1), opportunity for gratitude for getting to a class (#2) and a work out (#3).

5. Adorn Self with Affirmations

Yes, WEAR positive quotes on your body. In addition, to #4, I’m a big believer in inspirational t-shirts and jewelry. For starters, having a word or phrase to look at gets me outside of my head and the all consuming to-do lists.  For years I had a silver bangle engraved with the affirmation: Live with intention. I left it on a sink counter of an airport after washing my face from a red eye trip.  I didn’t realize the loss until later. At first I was crushed. Like Wonder Woman, the bangle was my secret body armor!!  Then I realized that another woman would likely find it – and just maybe it would be what she needed at that moment. Maybe it would even change her life in some positive way. You never know. I was grateful I could pass it on (see #2 & 12).

It’s helpful to say affirmations that may be difficult to embrace but they can be maifested over time:

I am enough.

I am beautiful just the way I am.

Sometimes we need the permanence of a positive declaration lest we forget. My sister-in-law, the dress designer mentioned above (and hence my acqusitions of glorious easy dresses that never wrinkle) – well,  she has a beautiful tattoo around her wrist: Love is all there is.  Similarly, my sister has a delicate, winged cherub on her shoulder that is easily donned in the sunny climate of Southern California. I prefer uplifting mood bling that I can change up with my comfy attire (#4).

6. Journal

Write something every day.  Writing helps one purge the gobly gook that piles up in the conscious and subconscious mind. Releasing this personal content can unleash surprising things. You may find yourself writing a list that turns into a haiku, or start to think of a memory, or solve a problem you see in new way.  (James Pennebaker, PhD, has studied and written extensively on the health benefits of writing about personal challenges and trauma.)

Writing is a hard practice for me.  I’ve been locked into academic writing that rarely allows for unbridled creativity or self-indulgence. I tend to self-edit and judge.  I heard Natalie Goldberg at a workship once, author of  Writing Down the Bones. She said:

Write what you know. Even if is the teacup in front of your nose.

What do you notice about the cup? The color, the shape?

What does the tea smell like? How does it make you feel?

What does it remind you of?

There is no shortage of things to write about.

Writing is meditation. It’s one activity I’m really going work on this year.  No judgment, no self-editing. See what gets churned up.

This reminds me of a quip in yoga that I really love, “No mud, no lotus. “ It stems from the writing of Thich Nhat Hanh. It is part of a beautiful meditation on the necessity of dealing in the hard stuff in life in order to see the beauty. Writing can help with that. Wade in the mud until the glorious pure lotus flower sprouts through. I might need to get some bling with this saying on it.  It may be my new mantra  this year (see #5).

7. Track Your Periods

Ok, this is for ladies, obviously. But guys should pay rapt attention. This is a topic that needs more attention at some point. Now that I have two girls in various stages of pubertal development all hell has broken loose. Let the cycling begin. Moods can run amok and sometimes we just don’t know why.

Tracking periods is a practical matter that will do more for peace of mind and self-compassion than one might realize. Tracking one’s menstrual cycle is a like a broadcast storm watch. It means you need know when to stock up on supplies and ibuprofen or ferrofood, stay home or go easy on the schedule, and get in extra sleep. As for myself, having worked in the area of women’s health for years, I am amazed at the lack of attention to such a major self-care issue. Chalk it up to a complete failure of the health and sex education in our country.  Hormones are a MAJOR part of girls and women’s lives and we collectively ignore or deny menstruation, the apparent nuisance of it, the cultural shame of it.  All the negative associations of the female cycle have turned a basic bodily process into a taboo or else reduced to a joke.

Instead, honoring the cycle and knowing when your peek crankiness may be, or when other irritations may arise (headaches, cramps), is one key to self-care. There are two days a month where I could just weep at the slightest trigger: a diaper commercial or the food left out on the table; or I want to ram into the student driver barring my race to pick up a child; and sometimes I even feel like it’s time for a divorce. It can be extreme, comical and totally unfair to others. (See Modern Family for a hilarious sketch on monstration: the “Leap Day” episode. Some feminists and reviewers weren’t happy about it, but I was glad to see the topic hit prime time in a fresh way.)

Whatever the situation, when it comes to periods, the symptoms can be irksome and the emotional consequences totally irrational – but the upside is that it’s mostly predictable. Tracking makes self-care manageable. Plus, if a cycle is off or symptoms change, then there is cause for more mindful attention. I know I need to stay away from fatty foods, chocolate, hot yoga, the news and the state of my daughters’ rooms. It’s also best to give by husband fair warning not to take anything too personal.

Of course, there are phone apps to help a girl track her period if writing (#6) doesn’t work. So there’s no excuse not to use an app.
It’s the cool method of endless persoanlization these days. There just needs to be a family version with push notifications, so others can be altered when to be kind and stay out of the way. Tracking also can help with romance and sex life.  Some things are just good to know about, ya know? I think this would help a lot of marriages. Flowers would help, too (See #11).

8. Go Outside

Since both my husband and I work at home there can be days that I might never leave the premise unless there is a carpool or a meeting in town. Most New Englanders have a vitamin D deficiency and getting some sunlight for a good 20 minutes can do wonders for the spirit. Short of a Happy Light at the desk, going outside allows 20 minutes to get in #1, #2, and possibly #3 if you’re into doing a sun salutation or striking a warrior pose (both good heart openers). Plus, if you have adopted #4 and are wearing comfy clothes, all you need to do is put on good walking shoes and some extra layers if needed.

You can also expand your sky awareness by spending 20 minutes a day looking up, which can change your inner and outer perspectives on life. But be sure wear light colors in the summer and fall months. The reason I discovered my vitamin D deficiency was a mistake made by a lab that was supposed to test me for Lime disease after a tick bite. Wrong test, but interesting result.  Guess where ticks like to snuggle up? Under the waistband of LuLu Lemon yoga pants. (Fair warning.)

9. Snack on Protein Snacks

I’m not the three-meals a day type of person, although I like a decent breakfast. Rather I’m the type that could go for hours without food until I realize I haven’t eaten by way of a headache or bad mood. Trail mix, nuts, berries, and yogurt do the trick. Keeping fueled is important. This had been a challenge since I have a kid with peanut, tree nut and soy allergies (of the serious Epi-pen PRN variety). So we’ve been nut free for years. But she’s old enough now to know what foods to stay away from and nuts have cautiously reentered our household. The other challenge is I don’t like to drink water. It’s hard for me to ever get in the recommended 64 ounces a day. I’d be peeing all day long. But guess what? Hot yoga forces me to drink plenty of water before, during and after class.

10. Tidy Office = Clear Mind

I’m so sensitive to my environment. I have a high sense of aesthetics. I am prone to dust and mold allergies. I need light. I need quiet. My office is a sacred place for me and my clients. So if my desk or office is at all cluttered, it’s like there is a slow tightening noose around my neck and I can’t breathe (#1). Seeing clients forces me to tidy up but sometimes I have to cheat and shove things to piles or into in closet, and I may not get back to them for weeks or months. That is bad, bad, bad. I will spend endless wasted time looking for a phone number, an article, or an important school permission slip.  Take time to clear the clutter.

11. Fresh Flowers

I always say fresh flowers are the cheapest antidepressant available over the counter. (Well, a flower bunch and yoga class go for about $12 each. What a deal given the half-life!)Seriously, having living, breathing flowers in a garden or on a kitchen table or desk does one thing: makes you smile. When you smile your facial muscles spread wide, which messages to the brain’s neurotransmitters that

something wonderful is happening and sprinkles your system with endorphins. Smiling makes you happy. You can just practice smiling for no reason and the effect will be similar. Also, when you are happy you have something to be grateful for (#2). You may even want to breathe in the fragrance of a flower (#1), which helps dissipate the stress cortisol hormones that have built up. As mentioned, flowers can also help with girly issues in #7.

12. Generosity

Give flowers to a friend.  Or help someone in need. Say “thank you” or “you look beautiful today.” It’s the small things that matter. It’s as simple as that.  Love is the way.

 

* * *

I’m sure I’ll think of other things and you may have suggestions, too. I can already think of taking bathroom breaks and balancing a checkbook as possible additions.

But I think these rules are pretty good to live by for now.