tara Cousineau

It’s Cool to Be Cruel: How Moms Can Help Girls

April 11, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

It’s hard to imagine that anyone who heard about the recent teen rape case in Steubenville involving two teenage boys sexually assaulting an unconscious, drunken 16-year old girl and broadcasting it over social networks, would be anything but horrified. For some of us, it was further compounded by the news coverage that portrayed the high school football players in tears at the verdict. The pubic felt sorry for them. That the violence and psychological harm done to the girl became incidental to the story incited an outrage in social media circles. And this has happened before in other communities with even more tragic consequences for the girl victim.

But the teachable moment was largely lost among our teens. Mostly, they didn’t hear about it and no one told them about it. Maybe the story just didn’t ruffle enough feathers. Yes, teens do stupid things. They also do destructive things. But let’s just say that there are people who can do something with such a newsworthy story: parents, coaches, teachers, school guidance counselors, or club newspapers, anyone? Might they not serve as potential messengers for violence prevention programs or constructive dialog when such incidents happen?

Can we all please wake up?

When I took the opportunity to share the story with my 15 year old, she was shocked indeed. Her face scrunched up for a few moments imagining the party scene. This long pause was then followed by a “Thanks, mom, that’s really nice to share. Thanks a lot.” If it made her uncomfortable, that was the point.Our girls and our boys are growing up with social media and in a culture that amplifies the objectification of women and the destruction of

Our girls and our boys are growing up with social media and in a culture that amplifies the objectification of women and the destruction of intimacy like never before.There is no healthy sexuality taught in schools or churches. At each turn girls and boys are learning new values, largely from online culture and media, and parents are largely clueless to it. Gone are the values of kindness, respect, speaking one’s own truth, collaboration, and constructive play. What have they been replaced by?

According to Catherine Steiner-Adair, PhD, an esteemed researcher and psychologist who speaks with kids around the nation, the top three cultural values for our children are:

Presentation
Objectification
Instant gratification

Today, the goal of “being famous” is more important than being productive, generous or industrious. Having the right “package” wins votes on talent shows. How many ‘likes’ or ‘follows’ supersedes any experience of intrinsic self-worth and mutual regard. According to Steiner-Adair, the three most insidious online memes for girls today are: mean girls, slut chic and ana chic (as in pro-anorexic).

Ready to run yet, moms?

I’m right there with ya. Girls are being marketed padded bras and manicure parties as early as grade school, and tween boys are now the largest growing audience of violent pornography. This makes the days of hidden Playboys stuffed under mattresses appear a sweet pastime.

It’s not any better for moms and dads. The self-absorbed or bitchy career mom has replaced the ditzy stay-at-home mom; and dads are often depicted as lost puppies not knowing what to make of the females around him.

In my house, if any media totally exemplifies the emerging values of our girl culture, it’s Dance Moms. It is the perfectly edited compilation of mean mom/mean girl culture if ever there was one. But that’s rant for another time.

Yes, our cultural values have gone down a sinkhole and it will take a mighty effort to reverse the trends. But it can be done.

Moms out there, it is your job to intervene early and repeatedly… with girls especially. It’s a now a major part of your job
description. You need not be in their faces with worry or highfalutin dictates, but simply be observant, consistent, patient, and gentle in guiding your daughters as they grow up. Inoculate. Don’t check out. Don’t assume anyone one else is going to teach them or that issues like violence prevention, body image, dating abuse or online cruelty will be covered in a health class.

What to do?

It’s really simple. It just takes consistency.

Here are six strategies:

1) Pay attention.

Really pay attention to what’s going on in your child’s world. Show interest and be inquisitive. This matters even if you don’t get any acknowledgment from your kid. They soak up everything you say and do.

2) Converse about what you and your child see on TV, in the movies, and online.

Hang with them when whenever you can in front of the TV. Teach them about the roles of ads (what are they trying to sell; how are they getting you to want to buy; how does the ad make you feel?). Then, when it’s developmentally appropriate (4th grade and up), constructively analyze how girls and boys are being portrayed and what your child thinks about it.

3) Limit their exposure to the Internet for as long as possible.

A major coming of age milestone is now getting a cell phone. When it comes to tweens, seriously consider the introduction of a smartphone with access to the Internet. Honestly, my younger daughter got hers too early (at 12) and having an older sister using one tipped the balance. Instagram scores big with this crowd and you now have to add time to periodcially scroll through the banter of tweens, just when you want to spare a few moments to relax in in your busy day.

4) Set rules for media use and texting.

You can demonstrate the appropriate use of technology for your child. Like…don’t drive and use your cell phone or text. I have been guilty of this, “Oh, I’m at a stop light!” (It’s confusing to kids when you lecture about safety and you casually use your cell phone when they’re in the car.) Turn off media during mealtime. Shut down media early in the evening so the brain and body can relax. Avoid use of technology on family vacations, too.

5) Talk about the tough issues that may make you uncomfortable.

Like ….sex, dating abuse, rape culture, hooking up, drugs and alcohol, and the effects on the teen brain. Organizations exist that have scripts and toolkits for parents of adolescents on how to initiate a conversation.

Friends are more important to teens than anyone else, so talk about that, too. Friends can be like a drug stimulant to a teenager and that’s why they do risky things with friends. It’s how the brain works. It’s a social high.

This is also why humiliation by peers can be expereinced as a final blow and can result in teen suicide. We see it again and again. It’s heartbreaking.Talk to them about the meaning of intimacy, friendship, social responsibility and leadership. (“Why is so cool to be cruel these days? Where does that come from? Do you think that’s why So&So sent out that text?”)

Don’t know when to bring it up? Find the quiet moment, like when you are driving or sitting around watching a show. This makes it easier when the inevitable girl drama, or social slight, or stupid incidents happen – or, god forbid, a tragedy close to home. You’re building a foundation for conversation – and by being open and non-judgmental you’ve set forth the values of thoughtfulness, appropriate behavior, and respect.

6) Be a role model.

Behave in a manner you want your children to follow. What you do is more important than what you say. Uphold your core values. Be brave. Walk the talk.

It’s as simple as that.

* * *

Resources:

There is a teachable moment every day – from stories of the schoolyard to the media they consume. Ask about your child’s day. Be perpared when sticky things come up. Here are excellent resouces for parents:

Catherine Steiner-Adair – Her new book comes out Aug 2013, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood, Family and Relationships in the Digital Age. (She recenlty spoke at the Atrium School, in Watertown, MA.)
Miss Representation – Watch the film with your teens. Educate yourself on current and problematic gender stereotypes in our culture
Spark Movement – Girls empowerment movement
Common Sense Media – Guides for parents on media
Drugfree.org – Toolkits for parents on substance use, additictions, and getting help

My Daughter’s First High Heels

January 22, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

She said she needed a pair to tan flats for the older girl’s sweet 16 party. That’s what I heard anyway. So when Sophie bopped into the car with her mall pals I said, Let’s see the shoes!

Silence.

She pulled them out. A pair of high heels. Yes, tan. I paused. Impulsively, I gave her the look.

I thought you said flats, honey?

No. I said I needed tan shoes to go with my coral dress.

Those are really high, I mutter.

Her friend rather politely says, My mother prefers that I didn’t wear high heels, either.
(Thanks, friend. Might you have piped up at the store?)

I was instantly catapulted back to my little attic bedroom with the floral wallpaper and slanted ceilings. There, in the crawl space at the far end of my teenage hideway, I hid a pair of shocking red high heels.

My mother would have killed me. Or rather, she would have gone into full hysteria, waling about how hard she works raising us girls all by herself, and what do we have to show her for it. And so on. Then she’d pray.

I was 17 at the time. I worked at a shoe store in town. I got an employee discount. Had my mother discovered the red shoes I would have pulled out the “it’s my money” card or “you can’t tell me what to do anymore” or point out all the expensive shoes she hid in her closet for her job in the city. (Of course, I knew where to look).

Ah, my not-so little girl and her new pumps.

It was a moment of mourning.

Sitting there turning on the engine, I thought, here is my choice point. She knows how I feel. I could demand that she return them. That would cause a fuss. An angry exchange, more likely. Humiliation in front of friends; potentially more so in front of a hip sales clerk at Charlotte Russe. It would ruin her night at the party. The anticipation would have been punctured. The girls were giddy about going to an older teammate’s coming of age celebration. For weeks, they had been texting pictures of dresses, even though they only own one or two since the 8^th grade dance—a mere 6 months ago.

Or I could let it go.

So I did. I took a breath. I thought about my red high heels, and all the other secrets I had in order to preserve whatever relationship I had with my mother. In the 30 seconds it took me to back out of the parking space and scan their bright faces, I thought: These little ladies will wear their high heels for about 5 minutes. Then they’ll dance barefoot.

And they did.

Cosmic Whispers and Momentary Truths

January 11, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

I take delight in the collective hysteria about the end of the world hype that cycles in from time to time. “The world’s ending today, Mom,” announced Josie a few weeks ago. “Maybe I’ll see you later,” she declared as she bounded up the driveway to catch the bus. Huh. I got a cup of tea, read the daily horoscope in the Globe, and checked my inbox for other insights on the various upcoming endings and beginnings. I love receiving astrological emails even though I pay no mind to most. Inevitably, the messages are about some planetary configuration: “The new Moon is in Sagittarius.” Often there is a mystical call to action: “Set up to 10 intentions before noon Eastern time!” “Thursday is the day to plant seeds.” I take comfort in these cosmic declarations offering hope. Mostly, they remind me to tap into my intuition, slow down, and reflect.

No matter what dates may hold meaning there is upon us an opportunity to push the emotional reset button. How about a story about renewal? That’s what I’ve been asking myself. What’s the story I want to create? Not the new me or new body or fresh start. What’s the story I want my peeps to know about me? How can visualize that me when I stop for a moment, or look up at the sky, or out my kitchen window?

So I got to writing down my own personal intentions. These are reminders for myself – like my guideposts for a balanced life – as antidotes to a wired life. They are the seeds for the story I want to create.

Self-Compassion

I will not be by own worst critic.

I intend to treat myself with the same kindness and respect I bestow on the people I love most in my life.

Walk the Talk

I will be the person I hope my children will grow up to be. I will show kindness, understanding, forgiveness and fortitude.

I’m not always right. I will acknowledge my mistakes and model the courage it takes to make amends and take responsibility.

I will be brave. I will take risks to do things I believe in and am passionate about.

Connection

I will engage fully in the world and with loved ones, because I know in my heart that belonging, loving and feeling loved matter
most.

Gratitude

I will hold the world in wonder just as a child does and embrace the joyful moments as they arrive.

Boditude

I will treat my body as sacred no matter what its shape, size or ability.

I will push aside self-comparisons and model for daughters that the beauty culture does not define who I am or who they are. Fitting in is not important, but believing I am worthy is.

Mindfulness

I intend to be present in my life every day, to notice and be aware of my world and how I engage in it.

I have clarity on my values and my goals. I will live by them.

Patience

I will take time to witness, be present and allow positive growth to unfold.

I will take time to rest and restore.

Indulgence

I will eat chocolate ice cream with reverence and honor the abdundance in life.

Three Snow Angels & 12 Guideposts for a Living Balanced Life

January 5, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Snow Angel 3 I have an overscheduled family and work life. Sometimes it seems like we all we do is pass one another in the doorways. Or else we are carting a bunch of girls around – soccer fields, sport centers, gymnastic meets and last minute soccer tourneys. Not to mention seeing clients, trying to grow a business, and remembering to give hubby a hug in passing. “Great job. You’re a great dad!”

Instead of resolutions for a new year, I decided to do more of a “reflect and reset.” Reset the pace of life; re-evaluate my aspirations; and reflect on all I have to be thankful for. As I began to jot things down, I realized I was creating a series of guideposts to remind me of what works, instead of all the things I need to change, improve, or achieve. So whenever I feel really irritated or want to throw in the towel and run away from it all, I can remind myself of some tried and true principles.

1. Breathe

2. Practice Gratitude

3. Yoga

4. Dress in Comfy, Soft Clothes

5. Adorn Self with Affirmations

6. Journal

7. Track Your Periods

8. Go Outside

9. Snack on Protein Snacks & Drink Water

10. Tidy Office = Clear Mind

11. Fresh Flowers

12. Generosity

* * *

1. Breathe

This may seem obvious, but if I find myself in a frenzy – mentally or physically – it usually means my breathing is short and stuck in my upper chest. If I stop for a moment I can hear my heart revving on this low-grade but rapid vibration. This kind of breathing can easily launch a sense of panic. So I take a mini meditation with slow deep breaths: count to 10 on the in breath and count to 11 on the out breath. (It helps to have the out breath a tad longer.)

Yet, if I get impatient with myself in this exercise I tend to use words. Sometimes I even hum a refrain I picked up in a church.

When I breathe in, I breathe in peace.

When I breathe out, I breathe out calm.

I might change the out breath to the word “love” if I’m particularly annoyed with a family member – usually my mother or my spouse. A loving kindness breathing mediation can have an immediate, positive effect. Of course, this is something I teach to clients. But if I don’t practice it myself, I’m just a fraud. And frauds are easy to snuff out.

2. Practice Gratitude

The essence of a gratitude practice came to me later in life. Having been raised in the Catholic tradition, the practice was to thank God, ask for forgiveness for sins, and do good deeds to avoid hell at all costs. It was shame, fear and guilt-based. It’s still alive and well in my family of origin and the childhood effects resurface now and again. Nurturing gratitude takes daily practice.

Feeling gratitude is the seed for cultivating joy and being aware of life’s gifts when they are right in front of you. A gratitude practice attunes my mind to the momentary delights in the midst of busy, chaotic or difficult circumstances – like the three snow angels I saw the other night from the second story of our house, sparkling under the light and shadow of a full moon. It was totally unexpected and took my breath away. Moments like that remind me of my children, of the joy of childhood, of play, and of sheer delight of the season’s first snow and crisp winter skies.

Just writing about it makes me feel joy. Writing down these moments is a good practice. Gratitude journals have become popular because we need the physical tools of pen, paper or keyboard to make the experience tangible – otherwise the beautiful moments
will crumble to dust.My younger daughter, Josie, and I had such a moment recently. The others were away (soccer, of course) and we decided to build a fire together. Kids love building fires. So primal is the activity of fire making, I let her set it up and strike the match. Then we pulled out our journals and color pencils and enjoyed the quite time. Moments like these are sustaining and inoculate against daily hassles of life.

3. Yoga

I’ve been an avid yoga lover for over 25 years. I’ve tried many brands of yoga and at this stage in my life have settled on heated vinyasa flow. I’m sure I will change type of yoga when peri-menopause hits. It took a while to adapt to 90-degree temperature in the studio, but I love it. Anything less feels cold to me now. The heat forces me to breathe deep and slow (see #1). The postures are like a meditative dance, which appeals to my love of ballet as a child and to my sense of aesthetic. Sometimes, just being in a child pose is so utterly healing I could weep from relief.

Yoga is a beautiful practice no matter what a person’s size, shape or body type. The practice of yoga nurtures inner beauty. On the days I’m up for an advanced power class, I get in a pretty good low-impact aerobic workout, too. I feel detoxified and cleansed. I believe yoga is why I look younger than my age. On occasion, when I do reveal my age, people are surprised. “Well done!” a friend exclaimed to me when she learned I was five years older not younger than she. But the answer to youthfulness is easy for me: decent genes and diet, being wrinkled-free from sun deprivation in New England … and regular yoga.

4. Dress in Comfy, Soft Clothes

We snuggle our babies in the most luxurious of fleeces,cottons and awesome textile blends that didn’t exist when I was a babe. Why don’t we grownups wear similar fabrics? When clothes are tight, sloppy, or scratchy, so are we. For some time now, I’ve been wearing a combination of bootleg yoga pants, dresses by Karina Designs (“Dresses for Every Body”) and a soft flowy sweater. This has several advantages:

I feel like I’m in pajamas all day and therefore in a relaxed state of mind. I’m geared up to have coffee at the last minute with a colleague and be respectably fashionable with little effort. And most importantly, I’m in a prime position to hop into a yoga class whenever my schedule or my girls’ schedule allows. (I have a yoga mat in each one of the family cars, too). The other advantage to such attire should it lead to a yoga class is that I get in deep breathing (#1), opportunity for gratitude for getting to a class (#2) and a work out (#3).

5. Adorn Self with Affirmations

Yes, WEAR positive quotes on your body. In addition, to #4, I’m a big believer in inspirational t-shirts and jewelry. For starters, having a word or phrase to look at gets me outside of my head and the all consuming to-do lists. For years I had a silver bangle engraved with the affirmation: Live with intention. I left it on a sink counter of an airport after washing my face from a red eye trip. I didn’t realize the loss until later. At first I was crushed. Like Wonder Woman, the bangle was my secret body armor!! Then I realized that another woman would likely find it – and just maybe it would be what she needed at that moment. Maybe it would even change her life in some positive way. You never know. I was grateful I could pass it on (see #2 & 12).

It’s helpful to say affirmations that may be difficult to embrace but they can be maifested over time:

I am enough.

I am beautiful just the way I am.

Sometimes we need the permanence of a positive declaration lest we forget. My sister-in-law, the dress designer mentioned above (and hence my acqusitions of glorious easy dresses that never wrinkle) – well, she has a beautiful tattoo around her wrist: Love is all there is. Similarly, my sister has a delicate, winged cherub on her shoulder that is easily donned in the sunny climate of Southern California. I prefer uplifting mood bling that I can change up with my comfy attire (#4).

6. Journal

Write something every day. Writing helps one purge the gobly gook that piles up in the conscious and subconscious mind. Releasing this personal content can unleash surprising things. You may find yourself writing a list that turns into a haiku, or start to think of a memory, or solve a problem you see in new way. (James Pennebaker, PhD, has studied and written extensively on the health benefits of writing about personal challenges and trauma.)

Writing is a hard practice for me. I’ve been locked into academic writing that rarely allows for unbridled creativity or self-indulgence. I tend to self-edit and judge. I heard Natalie Goldberg at a workship once, author of Writing Down the Bones. She said:

Write what you know. Even if is the teacup in front of your nose.

What do you notice about the cup? The color, the shape?

What does the tea smell like? How does it make you feel?

What does it remind you of?

There is no shortage of things to write about.

Writing is meditation. It’s one activity I’m really going work on this year. No judgment, no self-editing. See what gets churned up.

This reminds me of a quip in yoga that I really love, “No mud, no lotus. “ It stems from the writing of Thich Nhat Hanh. It is part of a beautiful meditation on the necessity of dealing in the hard stuff in life in order to see the beauty. Writing can help with that. Wade in the mud until the glorious pure lotus flower sprouts through. I might need to get some bling with this saying on it. It may be my new mantra this year (see #5).

7. Track Your Periods

Ok, this is for ladies, obviously. But guys should pay rapt attention. This is a topic that needs more attention at some point. Now that I have two girls in various stages of pubertal development all hell has broken loose. Let the cycling begin. Moods can run amok and sometimes we just don’t know why.

Tracking periods is a practical matter that will do more for peace of mind and self-compassion than one might realize. Tracking one’s menstrual cycle is a like a broadcast storm watch. It means you need know when to stock up on supplies and ibuprofen or ferrofood, stay home or go easy on the schedule, and get in extra sleep. As for myself, having worked in the area of women’s health for years, I am amazed at the lack of attention to such a major self-care issue. Chalk it up to a complete failure of the health and sex education in our country. Hormones are a MAJOR part of girls and women’s lives and we collectively ignore or deny menstruation, the apparent nuisance of it, the cultural shame of it. All the negative associations of the female cycle have turned a basic bodily process into a taboo or else reduced to a joke.

Instead, honoring the cycle and knowing when your peek crankiness may be, or when other irritations may arise (headaches, cramps), is one key to self-care. There are two days a month where I could just weep at the slightest trigger: a diaper commercial or the food left out on the table; or I want to ram into the student driver barring my race to pick up a child; and sometimes I even feel like it’s time for a divorce. It can be extreme, comical and totally unfair to others. (See Modern Family for a hilarious sketch on monstration: the “Leap Day” episode. Some feminists and reviewers weren’t happy about it, but I was glad to see the topic hit prime time in a fresh way.)

Whatever the situation, when it comes to periods, the symptoms can be irksome and the emotional consequences totally irrational – but the upside is that it’s mostly predictable. Tracking makes self-care manageable. Plus, if a cycle is off or symptoms change, then there is cause for more mindful attention. I know I need to stay away from fatty foods, chocolate, hot yoga, the news and the state of my daughters’ rooms. It’s also best to give by husband fair warning not to take anything too personal.

Of course, there are phone apps to help a girl track her period if writing (#6) doesn’t work. So there’s no excuse not to use an app.
It’s the cool method of endless persoanlization these days. There just needs to be a family version with push notifications, so others can be altered when to be kind and stay out of the way. Tracking also can help with romance and sex life. Some things are just good to know about, ya know? I think this would help a lot of marriages. Flowers would help, too (See #11).

8. Go Outside

Since both my husband and I work at home there can be days that I might never leave the premise unless there is a carpool or a meeting in town. Most New Englanders have a vitamin D deficiency and getting some sunlight for a good 20 minutes can do wonders for the spirit. Short of a Happy Light at the desk, going outside allows 20 minutes to get in #1, #2, and possibly #3 if you’re into doing a sun salutation or striking a warrior pose (both good heart openers). Plus, if you have adopted #4 and are wearing comfy clothes, all you need to do is put on good walking shoes and some extra layers if needed.

You can also expand your sky awareness by spending 20 minutes a day looking up, which can change your inner and outer perspectives on life. But be sure wear light colors in the summer and fall months. The reason I discovered my vitamin D deficiency was a mistake made by a lab that was supposed to test me for Lime disease after a tick bite. Wrong test, but interesting result. Guess where ticks like to snuggle up? Under the waistband of LuLu Lemon yoga pants. (Fair warning.)

9. Snack on Protein Snacks

I’m not the three-meals a day type of person, although I like a decent breakfast. Rather I’m the type that could go for hours without food until I realize I haven’t eaten by way of a headache or bad mood. Trail mix, nuts, berries, and yogurt do the trick. Keeping fueled is important. This had been a challenge since I have a kid with peanut, tree nut and soy allergies (of the serious Epi-pen PRN variety). So we’ve been nut free for years. But she’s old enough now to know what foods to stay away from and nuts have cautiously reentered our household. The other challenge is I don’t like to drink water. It’s hard for me to ever get in the recommended 64 ounces a day. I’d be peeing all day long. But guess what? Hot yoga forces me to drink plenty of water before, during and after class.

10. Tidy Office = Clear Mind

I’m so sensitive to my environment. I have a high sense of aesthetics. I am prone to dust and mold allergies. I need light. I need quiet. My office is a sacred place for me and my clients. So if my desk or office is at all cluttered, it’s like there is a slow tightening noose around my neck and I can’t breathe (#1). Seeing clients forces me to tidy up but sometimes I have to cheat and shove things to piles or into in closet, and I may not get back to them for weeks or months. That is bad, bad, bad. I will spend endless wasted time looking for a phone number, an article, or an important school permission slip. Take time to clear the clutter.

11. Fresh Flowers

I always say fresh flowers are the cheapest antidepressant available over the counter. (Well, a flower bunch and yoga class go for about $12 each. What a deal given the half-life!)Seriously, having living, breathing flowers in a garden or on a kitchen table or desk does one thing: makes you smile. When you smile your facial muscles spread wide, which messages to the brain’s neurotransmitters that

something wonderful is happening and sprinkles your system with endorphins. Smiling makes you happy. You can just practice smiling for no reason and the effect will be similar. Also, when you are happy you have something to be grateful for (#2). You may even want to breathe in the fragrance of a flower (#1), which helps dissipate the stress cortisol hormones that have built up. As mentioned, flowers can also help with girly issues in #7.

12. Generosity

Give flowers to a friend. Or help someone in need. Say “thank you” or “you look beautiful today.” It’s the small things that matter. It’s as simple as that. Love is the way.

* * *

I’m sure I’ll think of other things and you may have suggestions, too. I can already think of taking bathroom breaks and balancing a checkbook as possible additions.

But I think these rules are pretty good to live by for now.

tara Cousineau

It’s Cool to Be Cruel: How Moms Can Help Girls

My Daughter’s First High Heels

Cosmic Whispers and Momentary Truths

Three Snow Angels & 12 Guideposts for a Living Balanced Life

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