texting

Ode to the Flip Phone

November 6, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

I wish we all used flip phones, she lamented. Here was my 17-year-old client, a lovely girl I’ve been working with for three years. She said this as a seasoned expert, having been in the trenches of modern digital social life.

She’ll be one of the few in this generation who actually started on a flip phone, a device, if you recall, where the major feature was good old fashion text messaging (SMS). If there was Internet capability on her starter phone I’m certain it wasn’t worth the slow connection to be of any use. When my client was 13-years-old the iPhone was too expensive for her (or any) family to buy. It wasn’t until about 2010 that the iPhone really took off—and mostly with savvy business professionals. Then there was the brilliant move by Apple with the sell off of the iPhone 4 for $1 with the introduction of the 4S model. It changed the world of tweens. That’s how my younger daughter got her iPhone at last X-mas—2 years earlier than her older sister. I totally regret it. I say this as a mom. And I say this with irony as I spend half my work life creating a wellness app to teach kids self-care, self-kindness, and compassion. (I’m determined mobile phones can be used for the greater good.)

It’s the stories that I hear from my clients and friends that collectively cry out, “Help!” The stories are mostly from girls and moms; they bring the weariness and battle wounds of the smartphone front-lines to my attention. My young client who pines for her old flip also closed her Facebook account. I didn’t have a chance to ask why but I’m sure it’s because of the drama and distraction of the teen world of ranking, rating and endless profile pruning. She’s a levelheaded young woman. She is mature enough to know what’s important to her and how to spend her time (like applying to college). But the little ones—the wee tweens—have no chance to graduate from mere flip phones to handheld computers—that’s what smartphones are. Today’s smartphones no longer serve as the safety devices that parents once purchased for their kids. They are all-purpose entertainment devices. Now 11 and 12-year olds are handling smartphones that give them access to an enormous amount of information, unwittingly intrude on their privacy, and begin to shape the ways in which they form identify and self esteem.

Let ‘Em Prove it

My older daughter is turning 16 this week. She’s obsessed with getting her driver’s permit while I’m in no hurry whatsoever to drive her to the DMV. She studies for the test via her iPhone, of course. (Yes, there is an app for states’ driver tests.) I have come around to thinking teens also need a license to use a smartphone and that they need to have their brains’ executive function in fairly decent working shape to use one. Yet, the teen brain really isn’t out of the weeds of the massive remodeling it undergoes until later in adolescence (and even in the early 20s).

Here’s my wishful thinking: Middle schoolers should be banned from smartphones altogether. Their emotional, cognitive, and social lives are just too fragile to take the assault of being mocked, blocked or unfriended. Tweens also get obsessed with their chat groups and have the urgent need to be connected every second of the day for fear of missing out. When they do discover they missed out—from all the photos of friends having a great time at someone’s house or the mall—they cry themselves to sleep at night. They are also impulsive and will whip off inappropriate language or photos with no sense of the potential consequences. Of course, this age group also quickly learns how to use their social networks as a way to torment others, and there are now enough stories in the papers to suggest that we have a serious social problem on our hands. Now let’s say a 16-year-old is mature enough to handle a smartphone. These teens should take a test on responsible use of a smartphone, proper etiquette, respectful correspondence, and understanding what cyber-bullying, sexting and text abuse actually is. Maybe they need to do a self-test to see if they meet some criteria or risk for being abusive or inappropriate—and tips on what to do or how to get help if they need it. Some may even need a support group.

OK, it’s unrealistic.

But let me go on. One mom recently contacted me because her 12-year-old son was devastated that his childhood friend blocked him on Instagram. This is a common experience. There are parents who ask me about which apps they should allow their child to have on their smartphone: Snapchat or Instagram? Clearly, they have no idea what the apps do and what social needs each app seems to serve.

My question is: Why are you buying a smartphone for your 6^th grader? The answer is always:

“Well, all his friends have one.”

“She’s been begging us. She’s feeling left out.”

Yes, parents are now feeling peer pressure by the tidal wave of tweens, too! There are no easy answers. Except one: Stay connected to your tweens and teens. In person connected, that is.

This means parents must stay connected to the kids’ friendship groups. Know the parents of your child’s friends (especially as their friendship groups begin to change) and make time to talk with them. Let your kids know that should there ever be a problem, like some drama in their friendship groups (online or offline), that you are there for them and will help them solve it no matter what role they played in it. The biggest barrier for teens is often shame and fear of disappointing parents when they do something wrong or become involved in a troubling situation. Teens want love and approval from parents not disapproval and judgment. When news stories come out about teen tragedies use them as teachable moments. Have a conversation. God knows there are plenty of stories.

“I love you no matter what. When you find yourself in a bad situation I want you tell me so I can help you.”

And yes, you can set a limit on when a child can have a smartphone. And once your kid has the privilege and responsibility of having a smartphone, you can set up rules and revisit them as he grows up. When it comes to all the apps, you don’t know have to know everything ahead of time (kids will share apps like you used to trade baseball cards or fashion magazines); you just have to be curious and want to learn how each works and why it’s so cool or not so cool. You can also do your research or talk to older teens. Let your kids tell you about they’ve got going on with the social networks. You can decide what seems appropriate and what doesn’t. Empower them to teach you what you don’t know and then go and learn it yourself.

Kids can raise you, too.

* * *

Help Me Help You!

Are you concerned about your tweens social media use?

Take this parent survey! I want to hear from you!

* * *

Confessions of a Digital Mom: Emoji Sweet Nothin’s

June 20, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Hey Moms. Are you trying to play catch up with your daughters? I am. We have two dynamic duos under our roof. I’ve never experienced anything like the sheer fluency my girls have with their smartphones and apps. They pick up the latest things with such ease, it’s crazy. Snapchat, Vine. I’m convinced my 13 year old will be an animator or movie director. She’s producing shorts (like 6 second short movies) in no time.

My older one has already posted over 6000 tweets on god knows what girlie girl nonsense… oh and by the way tweeted that she hated me one day when I made her go on a youth retreat that had been planned all year.

Anyway. SOML.

I’ve come to the stark realization, that our girls are engaged – and spending so much time – in their digital playgrounds, that the lines are getting blurred between the real and the virtual world. And that parents, including me, tend to go merrily along thinking are our girls are smart, kind, and respectful, that they should know better about how to behave in all social arenas.

If you think back just 20 or 30 years to our own teenage years we were passing notes in hallways, saving them in shoe boxes, or making paper collages from cutouts of Teen Beat and Seventeen magazine… and plastering them on our bedroom walls. This took a lot of time and reflection. We had no money to develop photos and rarely owned a camera for that matter.

Also, there were only one or two phones in a house, and our parents had rules about the phone since it was a shared among many.

But mostly we spent a lot of time playing, hanging out, and talking with each other – like in person. Today’s teens spend up to 40 hours a week using technology, looking at screens, which is of course, the equivalent to a full time job.

Times have changed, haven’t they?

Here’s the first reality that is ever so evident (and you don’t need a PHD to know this): Girls’ social networks have become a primary way for girls to relate to each other. They are immensely connected to this new way of communicating. It’s mesmerizing.

In fact, of all the demographic groups teen girls are the most prolific texters, with numbers of text upwards of 4000 per month and over 100 a day. If I added up my 15 year old’s tweets, texts and posts per month, it’s like around 10K. Maybe not. I should really take the time to count. But I can’t. It’s a guestimate. I bet she’d qualify for a 10K club of digital divas. I could be a proud mama, right?

Actually, if she wasn’t also a decent student and super busy on several athletic teams, I might be concerned about her social media excess and my parenting. Plus, she’s doing her own laundry now. Bonus for me. (I resigned as laundress when she entered high school. It’s a good strategy.)

But here’s my take on what happens with tween girls and technology:

Texting, social networks and chat apps amplify girls’ biological drive to share, compare, and care.

Those behaviors that we mothers did as girls are now digitized: sharing secrets, taking photos, collecting images of favorite things like celebrities, fashion, cute guys, funny or inspiring quotes … it’s all online and doesn’t cost much money, although it consumes way more time and attention in girls’ lives.

And that’s the sad truth of the matter.

In fact, girls relating in this way find it so beguiling that technology is the perfect trigger for compulsive behavior. They crave it. The get anxious when they aren’t connected to their devices.

In fact, many of you moms are doing this, too. Admit it.

But tweens and teens don’t filter what they do in these digital realms – they don’t take the time to reflect before they post; they don’t yet have the cognitive skills to do this with ease. They don’t have the brakes to slow down.

Their brains just aren’t there yet.

As far as I can tell the books and resources on online safety and digital culture don’t adequately take into account how girls an boys are biologically wired for certain behaviors in adolescence. You know, the behaviors to ensure survival and passing on of genes, like sex?

It’s a perfect storm. Maturational changes, biological drives to procreate, desperate need to be with friends, competing for social status, and sensation seeking – all being played out on the modern digital stage. Social technologies feed right into certain neurological mechanisms that reinforce behavior and learning patterns.

Girls in particular are primed to behave in a number of ways based on the female biological blueprint that plays out in interesting ways in digital playgrounds. Here’s my take on three primary ways modern girls connect:

BEAUTY: Girls’ begin to focus on their appearance and engage in ways to be more attractive for mating. This, by the way would occur regardless of our overly sexualized media. Media magnifies girls’ attention to appearance but biologically girls are driven to make themselves appealing. So posting photos and pruning their digital profiles is the current method for posturing. They don’t even realize it. (See post on my daughter’s first high heels.)

This drive to be wanted and accepted is also why tweens rigidly conform to the current fashion trends – it’s out of sheer fear. God forbid a girl stands out from the crowd as being too different. Where my girls go to public school, I call it the middle school Abercrombie Uniform. Thankfully, girls grow out of it in high school and tend to adopt more fashion diversity as they develop their identities. Nevertheless, they spend hours posting outfits and dresses in prep for the school socials or proms – getting endless tips and feedback from friends. Then there is posting once the event has actually occurred. At that point the number of “likes” becomes the ultimate personal affirmation.

FRIENDSHIPS: Girls’ drive to bond and socialize intensifies in adolescence. So there is, what seems to parents, a ridiculous need to be with girlfriends. Cliques begin to form, which again, has a basis in human survival. Whereas boys and men tend to be primed to fight or flee in face of danger, girls and women do what some social scientists call “tend and befriend.” They gather in groups as a way to have strength in numbers and naturally nurture each other in the face of stress.

OMG, girls are chatty, too, and have more developed language skills than boys do in early adolescence. This is also related to the oxytocin spike that occurs in the middle of the menstrual cycle – the bonding hormone. Don’t you ever wonder why your daughter might be ignoring you, not listening, grunting her way through a minimalist conversation and then all of the sudden she’s talking up a storm and you wonder what the heck happened? Maybe you feel she stills love you after all and cares what you have to say? Alas, credit can be given in part to her hormonal cycle. (BTW: It’s worth it to track both your and her menstrual cycle. This helps to predict the good and the bad days and when to ask her to clean her room. Let Dad in on the secret so he may be better prepared to deal with the female drama.)

The sheer volume of girls texting also begins to make sense. They spew out everything to thier freinds. It’s the uncut version. Girls announce every thought and feeling on their social networks.

The bottom line is that girls are built to socialize. Texting is simply the new channel.

STRESS: Girls, for some reason also begin to have higher levels of stress hormone cortisol. They are more sensitive to social cues. They are very good at emotional recognition – and therefore they tend to “read” into many situations. They look for meaning even when it may not be there. This vigilance may have been necessary in hunt and gather days when protecting the young was a primary drive. But today? They are expending energy trying to interpret the meaning of texts from their BFFs.

Of course, the opportunity for misinterpretation with social media and texting is HUGE without the face-to-face interpersonal cues. Girls expend a ton of energy reading between the lines and can easily get it wrong. This was just played out recently in my younger daughter’s little social circle and it was something one friend said in the lunch line about another friend – an anorexia jibe (which can be perceived as a compliment or a critique depending on the context). Of course, the comment got misconstrued and then texted among friends, causing unnecessary rifts and shifting alliances. There was anger, shame, tears, and confusion. That the smallest slight can be amplified and go viral in an instant set girls more on edge and they “track” it more. We’ve heard about some tragic consequences when these things get out of hand when the “viral” humiliation – the sharing of a photo, slur and personal attacks – is too much and too painful for some teens to handle. Most teens have fragile hearts and fragile brains. They are still forming their identities, skills, and ability to cope. It’s a stressful time in life.

Which girls might be more at risk socially?

It is really hard to know or predict how girls will navigate their social circles and who might be particularly vulnerable to the negative effects or experiences with social media activity. Why? Because being a teen comes with a lot of volatility given all the changes in body, brain and social life.

So let’s look at some research on this.

Roy Pea and Clifford Nass, communication researchers at Stanford (2010) surveyed over 3,400 girls, ages 8 to 12, all subscribers to Discovery Girls magazine, about their electronic diversions and their social and emotional lives. The results were unsettling.

The girls took the survey online, which asked about the time they spent watching video (television, YouTube, movies) listening to music, reading, doing homework, emailing, posting to Facebook, texting, instant messaging, talking on the phone and video chatting. Basically, what every girl does outside of school hours. They also asked how often the girls were doing two or more of these activities at the same time.

The girls’ answers showed that multitasking is a major drag. The results indicated that girls who spent many hours watching videos and using online communication reported negative personal experiences:

feeling less social success,
not feeling normal,
having more friends whom parents perceived as bad influences,
and sleeping less (no surprise there).

Of course, a definite cause-and-effect can’t be proved with a survey but the results are cautionary.

But the survey also asked the girls a different, and very important, question: How much time do you spend participating in face-to-face conversations with other people?

The researchers found the opposite effects: Higher levels of face-to-face communication were associated with greater social success, greater feelings of normalcy, more sleep and fewer friends whom parents judged to be bad influences. Ok, like this is key, right? Here’s the message that modern families need to get: Our kids learn the complicated task of interpreting emotions by watching the faces of other people and interacting with them. You want emotional intelligent empathic kids, right? Monitor their media diets! Especially in adolescence, a highly sensitive period of brain development.

Good Night Emoji © TCousineau 2013 — Good Night, Little Emoji

I confess that I love texting with my daughters. Just at a time when they are pulling away, a short text seems like a token of love. Sending an Emoji infused text when I’m out of town – a smiley face blowing a kiss – or my favorite, a crescent moon – approximates a sentiment of caring. It’s virtual parenting. These digital doodads also fill a gap when, god forbid, you actually try to give your a teen a goodnight kiss in person. Emojis are like an emotional mom-aide. This techno-luv is all well and good but can’t ever truly compensate for the real thing. So in my home, we are trying to make a concerted effort in balancing things out when it comes to media. In the end, the work is less about stopping the floodgates of technology and more about spending time together in meaningful ways. It’s good for the heart and it’s good for the brain. We have to do this now because when they grow up, we really want them to be able to look someone in the eye, shake a hand, speak with purpose and be emotionally connected.

* * *

For more on girls and social media, check out my teleclass: Keeping Your Daughter Safe: What You Need To Know About What Girls are Doing Online.

Good Reads:

The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine

Grown Up Digital: How the New Generation is Changing your World. By Don Tapscott

It’s Cool to Be Cruel: How Moms Can Help Girls

April 11, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

It’s hard to imagine that anyone who heard about the recent teen rape case in Steubenville involving two teenage boys sexually assaulting an unconscious, drunken 16-year old girl and broadcasting it over social networks, would be anything but horrified. For some of us, it was further compounded by the news coverage that portrayed the high school football players in tears at the verdict. The pubic felt sorry for them. That the violence and psychological harm done to the girl became incidental to the story incited an outrage in social media circles. And this has happened before in other communities with even more tragic consequences for the girl victim.

But the teachable moment was largely lost among our teens. Mostly, they didn’t hear about it and no one told them about it. Maybe the story just didn’t ruffle enough feathers. Yes, teens do stupid things. They also do destructive things. But let’s just say that there are people who can do something with such a newsworthy story: parents, coaches, teachers, school guidance counselors, or club newspapers, anyone? Might they not serve as potential messengers for violence prevention programs or constructive dialog when such incidents happen?

Can we all please wake up?

When I took the opportunity to share the story with my 15 year old, she was shocked indeed. Her face scrunched up for a few moments imagining the party scene. This long pause was then followed by a “Thanks, mom, that’s really nice to share. Thanks a lot.” If it made her uncomfortable, that was the point.Our girls and our boys are growing up with social media and in a culture that amplifies the objectification of women and the destruction of

Our girls and our boys are growing up with social media and in a culture that amplifies the objectification of women and the destruction of intimacy like never before.There is no healthy sexuality taught in schools or churches. At each turn girls and boys are learning new values, largely from online culture and media, and parents are largely clueless to it. Gone are the values of kindness, respect, speaking one’s own truth, collaboration, and constructive play. What have they been replaced by?

According to Catherine Steiner-Adair, PhD, an esteemed researcher and psychologist who speaks with kids around the nation, the top three cultural values for our children are:

Presentation
Objectification
Instant gratification

Today, the goal of “being famous” is more important than being productive, generous or industrious. Having the right “package” wins votes on talent shows. How many ‘likes’ or ‘follows’ supersedes any experience of intrinsic self-worth and mutual regard. According to Steiner-Adair, the three most insidious online memes for girls today are: mean girls, slut chic and ana chic (as in pro-anorexic).

Ready to run yet, moms?

I’m right there with ya. Girls are being marketed padded bras and manicure parties as early as grade school, and tween boys are now the largest growing audience of violent pornography. This makes the days of hidden Playboys stuffed under mattresses appear a sweet pastime.

It’s not any better for moms and dads. The self-absorbed or bitchy career mom has replaced the ditzy stay-at-home mom; and dads are often depicted as lost puppies not knowing what to make of the females around him.

In my house, if any media totally exemplifies the emerging values of our girl culture, it’s Dance Moms. It is the perfectly edited compilation of mean mom/mean girl culture if ever there was one. But that’s rant for another time.

Yes, our cultural values have gone down a sinkhole and it will take a mighty effort to reverse the trends. But it can be done.

Moms out there, it is your job to intervene early and repeatedly… with girls especially. It’s a now a major part of your job
description. You need not be in their faces with worry or highfalutin dictates, but simply be observant, consistent, patient, and gentle in guiding your daughters as they grow up. Inoculate. Don’t check out. Don’t assume anyone one else is going to teach them or that issues like violence prevention, body image, dating abuse or online cruelty will be covered in a health class.

What to do?

It’s really simple. It just takes consistency.

Here are six strategies:

1) Pay attention.

Really pay attention to what’s going on in your child’s world. Show interest and be inquisitive. This matters even if you don’t get any acknowledgment from your kid. They soak up everything you say and do.

2) Converse about what you and your child see on TV, in the movies, and online.

Hang with them when whenever you can in front of the TV. Teach them about the roles of ads (what are they trying to sell; how are they getting you to want to buy; how does the ad make you feel?). Then, when it’s developmentally appropriate (4th grade and up), constructively analyze how girls and boys are being portrayed and what your child thinks about it.

3) Limit their exposure to the Internet for as long as possible.

A major coming of age milestone is now getting a cell phone. When it comes to tweens, seriously consider the introduction of a smartphone with access to the Internet. Honestly, my younger daughter got hers too early (at 12) and having an older sister using one tipped the balance. Instagram scores big with this crowd and you now have to add time to periodcially scroll through the banter of tweens, just when you want to spare a few moments to relax in in your busy day.

4) Set rules for media use and texting.

You can demonstrate the appropriate use of technology for your child. Like…don’t drive and use your cell phone or text. I have been guilty of this, “Oh, I’m at a stop light!” (It’s confusing to kids when you lecture about safety and you casually use your cell phone when they’re in the car.) Turn off media during mealtime. Shut down media early in the evening so the brain and body can relax. Avoid use of technology on family vacations, too.

5) Talk about the tough issues that may make you uncomfortable.

Like ….sex, dating abuse, rape culture, hooking up, drugs and alcohol, and the effects on the teen brain. Organizations exist that have scripts and toolkits for parents of adolescents on how to initiate a conversation.

Friends are more important to teens than anyone else, so talk about that, too. Friends can be like a drug stimulant to a teenager and that’s why they do risky things with friends. It’s how the brain works. It’s a social high.

This is also why humiliation by peers can be expereinced as a final blow and can result in teen suicide. We see it again and again. It’s heartbreaking.Talk to them about the meaning of intimacy, friendship, social responsibility and leadership. (“Why is so cool to be cruel these days? Where does that come from? Do you think that’s why So&So sent out that text?”)

Don’t know when to bring it up? Find the quiet moment, like when you are driving or sitting around watching a show. This makes it easier when the inevitable girl drama, or social slight, or stupid incidents happen – or, god forbid, a tragedy close to home. You’re building a foundation for conversation – and by being open and non-judgmental you’ve set forth the values of thoughtfulness, appropriate behavior, and respect.

6) Be a role model.

Behave in a manner you want your children to follow. What you do is more important than what you say. Uphold your core values. Be brave. Walk the talk.

It’s as simple as that.

* * *

Resources:

There is a teachable moment every day – from stories of the schoolyard to the media they consume. Ask about your child’s day. Be perpared when sticky things come up. Here are excellent resouces for parents:

Catherine Steiner-Adair – Her new book comes out Aug 2013, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood, Family and Relationships in the Digital Age. (She recenlty spoke at the Atrium School, in Watertown, MA.)
Miss Representation – Watch the film with your teens. Educate yourself on current and problematic gender stereotypes in our culture
Spark Movement – Girls empowerment movement
Common Sense Media – Guides for parents on media
Drugfree.org – Toolkits for parents on substance use, additictions, and getting help