Teenagers

What Would Ben Franklin Say?

July 3, 2017 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

It was a warm Sunday afternoon in April. We were on our way home from New York City, which is a good four hours away. The youngest flower girl in our own wedding had just been married. She was just as beautiful the previous evening as she was 23 years ago. I felt like I was watching a blessed soul walking down yet another aisle leaving a trail of anticipation and hope. Of course, it made me think of my own daughters and how I hoped they would be graced with lasting love. Alas, I was getting ahead of myself. The very thought of my girls getting married also made be depressed.

We had just picked up our dog Leo who spent his weekend with my in-laws. We were driving through the back roads of the Blackstone Valley in central Massachusetts pocketed with small towns. Hopedale. Mendon. Franklin. They were once home to French Canadians and other immigrants working in the textile mills or on farms. My husband’s earliest memories are of the old family farm, riding along in his father’s milk truck, or getting lost in corn rows. Many of the farms no longer exist and the mills have all but disappeared. Suburbia and service roads now take up the space. It feels somehow uncomfortable as if I could be in Anywhere America, unmoored and without clear landmarks or a sense of community.

Yet, there is a very small sign we always pass along route 140. It honors the town of Franklin as the home of the first public library in the United States. It was established in 1778 when the town changed its name from Exeter to Franklin to honor the inventor Dr. Benjamin Franklin. In gratitude for the recognition, Franklin gifted some of his books to the town. As the story goes, this apparently caused a ruckus about who would house these treasures. Some sensible town folk decided to lend the books to the town residents at no cost and thus birthing the first lending library.

I’ve driven by this little road sign countless times and often think of Ben Franklin. For over two centuries we have absorbed Franklin’s wisdom in ways we may not even be aware. I will guess my girls have a faint idea about electricity and a kite rather than his timeless insights on life, liberty, and freedom. In one way or another many of us are familiar with his kitchen table quotes.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

Take time for all things: great haste makes great waste.

In taking a quick tour of Franklin’s quotes I find some other words of wisdom to be rather fitting when I think about our treasured and endangered institution of the public library.

Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

I wonder what Franklin might think of Google or Wikipedia? Even so, I offer a nod of gratitude every time I notice that small sign in Franklin.

But this Sunday drive was quickly punctured by another roadside scene. At one of the many dilapidated service lots was a group of white teenage boys sitting and standing atop of several cars. They were cheering with their fists in the air to the seemingly infrequent Sunday drivers like ourselves. Leaning against one of the cars was a large hand-painted sign with purple letters: TRUMP.

I asked my husband to turn on the news. Did something happen and we were blissfully unaware? We couldn’t tell. The day before was Earth Day. There were gatherings for the March for Science events across the globe, albeit with different sorts of placards, posters, and cheers. We had jauntily joined one such march for about five blocks down Central Park West on our way to the wedding.

What were these boys up to? Did they have nothing better to do on their Sunday? Like pick up trash on the roadside?

My mind slid into judgment. I went right to catastrophizing as I flashed to scenes of clean cut blond boys in uniforms. The Nazi’s paramilitary youth movement. Quite a leap, I confess. But I am of German heritage and the geographic legacy percolates up from time to time.

Without freedom of thought, there can be no such thing as wisdom – and no such thing as public liberty without freedom of speech.

The boys were exercising their free speech and I had to give them that. But the scene really bothered me. It seemed out of place. Maybe it was their fists in the air.

It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

I hoped my girls never dated one of those boys. (Oh, my mind again.)

That I’m writing about it two months later on the eve of Independence Day is testament to my irritation and my untethered stream of consciousness. I’ve been meditating on it, working with the difficult thoughts mired in fear, judgment, and implicit bias. I’ve been investigating my imagination with kindness, as recommended by my meditation teachers Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield. I have been noticing the content of my mind as if I were standing on the outside looking in. “Oh, how interesting,” I tell myself. Then I wander and wonder. Would I feel the same way if the sign was for another politician or public figure? For a cause to better humanity or the planet? Or, that the gathering was instead made up of black boys? Muslim boys? Boy Scouts? Veterans? Or girls for that matter? Or, any combination of demographics and personal characteristics? My mind began to play a mix-and-match combo game. A hornet’s nest of uncomfortable feelings swept in.

Honesty is the best policy.

The roadside scene flared up for me recently when I attended a meet-up about encouraging more women public speakers and how we can better promote ourselves, lest we be mired in endless keynotes, panels, and conferences populated with men. “Male and pale,” noted one of the organizers. I thought of the group of boys in Franklin. I thought of the Founding Fathers.

An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.

A part of me wishes we had pulled over and had a conversation with these boys. Who were they? What were their names? Why were they out there on the last day of spring break? Why do they like the current president? What does he represent for them? What do they stand for? What do they want to do with their lives? Or, maybe it would simply be about their cars or what they will do when school gets out for the summer.

A conversation would at the least make some sort of connection. A bridge toward understanding.

I will never know the answers to my questions. If the opportunity arose and I were by myself, it’s unlikely I’d have a chat with a group of teenage boys on an empty roadside holding that particular sign. Yet, I do know a little more about my fears and biases. “Male and pale” stuck for me in part because a series of images and events conspired at the same moment: fears of the current political climate, patriarchy, adolescent idealism, group think, recollection of a holocaust, my heritage, my values, my daughters’ wellbeing, a beautiful wedding, and a march for science.

The doorstep to the temple of wisdom is a knowledge of our own ignorance.

I try to catch myself before getting trapped by judgment. I slow down my breath. This seems to give enough space so I can begin to respond in a thoughtful way—to my own internal life and to what sort of actions I might take—like having courageous conversations, taking social action, or nurturing our daughters to be good citizens and make wise choices.

That little roadside plaque in Franklin now serves as a new reminder: we are all rooted by place and time—if only we’d stop for a moment to be open and curious. And maybe even a little more kind.

Keep up to day about my book, The Kindness Cure: How the Science of Compassion Can Heal Your Heart and Your World.

Resources

Franklin, America’s First Public Library

Quotes from Ben Franklin

Photo Credit

Eugene Triguba

Body Image Dispatch: Dear Skinny Girl

July 21, 2015 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

I have a skinny daughter. She came out of the womb as a wiry, nimble sprite. For years she was in the 5^th percentile for BMI on the pediatric charts. Her natural tendency for sprinting and jumping led her into a decade long love affair with competitive gymnastics. As I watched her tumble and fly, I teetered along with a low grade anxiety praying she wouldn’t break her neck. Then came the day she had to abruptly stop at age 13 as a result of impact related injuries to her elbows. Broken wings.

Devastated by the loss and plummeting endorphins, she redirected her energy bit by bit. My elfin child, made of delicate bones but thick skin, managed to focus on other sports by the time high school came around.

But the years of conditioning and the 20+ hours at the gym delayed her puberty. As a result some people think she’s a child. At 15 that really makes her mad. Yet to her delight she shot past her older sister by an inch or two – a seemingly unexpected reward of her retirement.

But she’s still skinny.

She recently participated in a study assessing lifestyle and body image concerns. She texted me, “Why are there all these questions about feeling fat? What if you feel too thin?” Of course, her observation was keen. (Science can be biased.) Weighing not more than 96 pounds throughout high school, I felt for her. She inherited my body type and could blame our lineage. Unconvincingly, I remarked that she would feel much happier about her body later in life.

But what about now? “I’m just an awkward person, mom.”

“No you aren’t,” I tell her, “but I get that you feel that way.”

I’ve met countless girls and women over the years who feel badly about their bodies; they are often caught in a vicious cycle of negative social comparison. Some of them inflict self-harm and suffer greatly.

Maybe it’s a tired story. We are well aware that poor body image is an epidemic reinforced by social media, ratings and rankings, and cultural images of unnatural beauty standards. But we don’t do much to teach kids how to handle the onslaught. We fail to recognize that their exquisite, delicate brains are meticulously paving belief patterns and behaviors that shape their identities and experiences of the world. They can be brainwashed.

Sadly, many parents can be self-deprecating about their own appearance or critical of others. Friends can be over-invested in appearance and downright mean. One idiosyncratic physical flaw or mannerism can indict a kid to years of torment. Children can easily develop a habit of mind that is overly judgmental and disconnected from their bodies and inner spirits.

I’ve been thinking about what I wish for my daughter knowing that if I tried to have a conversation about body image she might roll her eyes at me. Or else she may quip, “I know I know, mom. Anyways, you are a psychologist. You are supposed to say that.”

But I have no script. The body image curriculums I know so well fall far short of what we really want our girls and boys to inhabit when it comes to body confidence. It’s not just knowledge, cognitive skills or empowerment. That’s too ephemeral.

I believe we need to be more, dare I say it, spiritual.

What do I wish that both my daughters understand – or embody – now? I’ve been reflecting on this for quite a while and what I have discovered is really a wish for all children. If I were to leave a letter under my awkward daughter’s pillow or whisper in her ear, here’s what I would say:

My Skinny Girl,

I have a secret to share. It may be hard to understand now, but trust me.

Our bodies are simply physical vessels containing our expansive souls. With that said, your body is sacred so take gentle care of it.

You were born unto this world with a purpose you will yet discover. With that said, dig deep and let your spirit soar.

The mind is both imaginative and tricky; it will tell you stories about who you are that aren’t true. With that said, listen to your heart more than your head.

The crafted images we see of what we should look or be like are make-believe and can cause disconnection, shame and loneliness. With that said, don’t let others define you.

People can be kind and cruel; mostly they are trying to feel better about who they are. With that said, mindfully gather your tribe of bravehearts.

Don’t be someone else’s happy pill. Some friends aren’t worth the energy it takes to bolster their self-worth at the expense of your own. With that said, compassion is as much about good boundaries as it is about caring.

Being alive means having a fair share of suffering and joy. With that said, it’s good to have both thick skin and an open heart (as you do).

You are gifted with innate emotional intelligence radiating throughout your amazing body, head to toes. With that said, trust your vibes.

We are not confined to our physical bodies alone, but intimately connected to all of humanity and the planet we inhabit. With that said, go forth with fearless love and kindness.

While this may sound strange or unfamiliar, if you remember anything I say, know that you are a cherished angel. With that said, I love you – broken wings and all.

* * *

This article originally appeared on Huff Post Parents, July 14, 2015

Photo Credits:

Today’s Teenage Girls: Angst-Ridden Changemakers

April 26, 2015 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

I spent the beginning of the week road tripping to colleges with my daughters, 15 and 17, and ended the week at the Women in the World Summit in NYC. When I listened to economist Noreena Hertz’s talk about “Generation K” and her recent survey research with thousand teen girls ages 13-20, I thought: “Wow. You know my girls.” She could have just as easily been in the back seat of our car. Chatting. Texting. Napping. Taking selfies.

Of course, Generation K refers to Katniss Everdeen, the heroine in The Hunger Games series. Here is a cohort of girls coming of age in full immersion with technology; who are experiencing the effects of a major economic recession during their childhood; in a world where terrorism has no boundaries. That pretty much sums up the book series.

In Hertz’s words: “For Generation K, the world is a dystopian nightmare.” She portrays our teen girls as super anxious. I would also add to this a companion legion of overly anxious, hovering and controlling parents. And who can blame them?

One observation is how this generation communicates. According to Hertz, they relate to the world through images and symbols and smartphones. For a typical girl today, identity is largely influenced by the technology she consumes. Hertz notes that for a girl it’s more like “I connect, therefore I am.”

(See video clip of the #WITW interview with Noreen Hertz.)

Any parent of a teenager knows this to be true. On this trip we easily exceeded our family mobile data limit no matter how much I said, “Look outside!” They may take selfies but they are not selfish, said Hertz. Yet, Hertz’s observation of the importance of visuals for these young women made me wonder just how the deluge of photos, videos, sound bites and emoticons affects their brains? The human brain doesn’t know the difference between a live event and an image on a screen. No wonder this generation is angst ridden given the relentless news cycles of dramas and disasters.

What do my girls worry about as they come of age? I thought about this and their concerns map what Hertz found in her research.

Future: Getting a job, making a difference and doing the right thing. My girls, like so many young people, want to make an impact, but worry that the chances may not be in their favor.

Finances: It hadn’t occurred to me the extent of my daughter’s concerns. Of all the things to chat about with a prospective college coach – favorite position, team records, love of the game, GPA or majors – the one question Sophie asked was about tuition: “Is there scholarship money left?” It made my heart sink. Later, she said she doesn’t want to be strapped with college debt; she is already anticipating the burden she will bear.

Existence: They worry about the world: planet and people. Josie was stunned driving through New Jersey. “What is this place? It’s like out of some movie.” Like the precincts in the Hunger Games maybe? Jersey came first, dear. (To be fair driving on Interstate 95 is not a balanced view of the state, but still.)

Terrorism: It’s both sad and true. Over the course of their young adolescence – I’m talking between the ages of 12 and 15 – shocking events took place: the mass shooting of school children and teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut, which is just next to the small town where I grew up; the mass shooting in the Aurora movie theater full of Batman fans; and of course, the Boston Marathon bombings. Indeed, two years ago our city was in a lock down over spring break.

Fast forward. Just two weeks ago their high school was in a lock down in response to a young man carrying a gun. The track team girls barricaded themselves in with lacrosse sticks through door handles. For two hours the girls’ teams were in a dark locker room because they are trained to turn off the lights during a lock down. Josie didn’t appreciate the “not knowing” since there was no cell phone reception on the lower level of the school; nor did she tolerate the “nasty BO” of the girl she was squashed against.

When she retold the experience later in the evening she was very articulate about all the thoughts that went through her mind: about death, not saying “I love you” enough, and never going to bed feeling angry. She was shook up. She also regretted asking her dad earlier in the week: “What would it feel like to be shot?” This question was in response to the all too frequent news videos showing cops killing black men. And in the human way we all want to make sense out of senseless things, Josie’s magical thinking was that maybe if she didn’t ask the question there wouldn’t have been an actual person carrying a gun at her school.

Sophie, her older sister, who luckily was not at school, commented on how well trained they are with lock down drills. She’s a student leader. “Now they tell us to fight back,” she reported. “When students and teachers fight an intruder it lowers the number of casualties.”

Like, seriously? We live in the suburbs. No matter. No place is safe. This is what today’s kids are growing up with. More news access, more visuals and a heightened awareness of the randomness of the world. Random acts of violence and random acts of kindness.

What does this generation value? According to the Hertz survey, our anxious teen girls also value being unique, the most frequent word used by the girls. They also value diversity and co-existing in a fair and just world.

Fortunately for mom, Sophie and Josie are still typical teen girls. The road trip included shopping for flip-flops and trying on prom dresses. They didn’t fight for five days. Sometimes it takes getting out of your own environment to recalibrate.

I wish I had brought them to the Women In The World summit. Amazing women and inspiring girls from all over the world were present. At this very moment these female role models are overcoming adversity and making tangible changes. Hearing their stories reminds me just how crucial it is to take a stand, be creative and lead with generosity and compassion. Anything is possible.

Ms. Hertz ended on a somewhat hopeful note. Digging into her surveys stats and individual interviews with 25 teens revealed that these girls will not tolerate inequality – in opportunity or pay. They may be fearful, but they are also feisty. They are thinking ahead about career and family (35% say they don’t want or are not sure if they want children). They are pragmatic. It will be interesting to see how this generation’s emerging values will bear out over time and just how that might affect our future: political, economic and demographic.

The summit ended with a last-minute guest appearance of Angelina Jolie, special ambassador to the United Nations. She just testified at a UN hearing about Syria, the greatest humanitarian disaster of our day displacing four million people, primarily women and children. Of course, I texted my girls:

Me: Angelina Jolie Pitt speaking now… (photo)

S: Take a picture with her

J: ^^^

A few minutes later…

Me: She’s off stage … program is over.

S: GO FIND HER

J: MOM

THIS IS ONCE IN A LIFE TIME

They were screaming at me to seek out Jolie. Well, there is always next year. In the meantime there are lots of ways to make the world a better place. Go girls.

* * *

A version of this post was published at HuffPost Parents.

Resources:

Women In the World Summit 2015

Noreena Hertz website and book, Eyes Wide Open

Image credit: The Hunger Games | Feminist Fiction http://buff.ly/1DNvDxd

Would You Drive Your Kids to Drink?

January 9, 2015 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

“The woods is a dangerous place,” croons Prince Charming to the Baker’s Wife. Indeed, with the recent film release of Into the Woods, I can’t help but dwell on the timeless metaphor of a journey through the forest as approximating ordeals and temptations in the lives of intrepid teenagers.

My husband and I are raising our teenage daughters in a small New England town. We live at the foot of 7,000 acres of wooded reservation land with a chain of 22 hills of hiking trails. Here, “The Woods” is code for a teen hangout not far from the elementary school my girls attended. The spot has been around so long that many parents raised here reminisce about it, often over drinks.

Going into the woods is a coming-of-age right of passage for local teenagers. The “woods” could easily be replaced with any number of terms depending on where you live: the docks, speedway, quarry, fields or lake. To venture off into dark places away from the eyes of authority is like a spell cast over every 13-year-old born unto us. They are marking territory.

Many grown-ups hold memories of intrepid forays into the dark. When we look back, some of us (myself included) wonder how in the world did we ever survive.

Where I grew up in western Connecticut, we drove across to New York State line, where the drinking age remained at 18 and seat belt laws were yet to be passed. If we didn’t drive, we’d hop a ride. It was the upper classmen or friends with older brothers or sisters who used fake IDs to buy kegs of beer while other kids would bring firewood and flashlights to the end of a dirt road. We’d build a bonfire and stand round it in our fisherman sweaters and scarves all staring at the sparkles in the flames. I vividly remember one ride in the back of a station wagon reciting Hail Marys all the way home.

My mother had no clue where I was. My father had been long gone and likely would’ve cared less. But now I am a mother and I have two teenage girls. I know where my girls are most of the time and a network of parents seem to keep their eyes open and cell phones in hand. On the whole, parents do seem to hover more.

Even so, it came a shock to me one night driving home with another mother from a local event. I had received a text from my 16-year-old daughter explaining to me that she had decided to go to her boyfriend’s house. Her friends were going to The Woods, which were off limits to her. She proposed that the “better choice” was to hang out with her relatively new boyfriend at his house. Of course, this didn’t sit too well, as I did not yet have a good read on the boy or his family.

But at least I knew where my daughter was.

In the same moment, my friend was texting her daughter about a pick up time at The Woods. Buckling up, I asked: “What do you mean ‘pick her up from the woods?'” She explained that she had dropped her daughter off at The Woods before we had left.

At least she knew where her daughter was.

Two mothers driving home to collect their daughters: one from a new boyfriend’s house and the other from the edge of the woods. No doubt our vivid maternal imaginations left us uncomfortable. I remained quiet.

Parents, as it turned out, were regularly dropping off and picking up their teens at The Woods. When I asked about this “trend,” the storyline went like this: If we drop our teens off at The Woods we know where they are; the town police know where they and at least they are not driving. Some of these parents also subjected their kids to breathalyzer tests and marijuana kits. What a twist on helicopter parenting.

What a confusing message.

The truth is that accidents and unintentional injuries are the primary cause of death among teenagers, with alcohol-related car crashes as the main culprit. It’s no wonder that the parents I know don’t want their kids driving after hanging out at The Woods. It is a wonder that parents are willing to drive their kids at all. Over a decade of neuroscience research confirms that substance use negatively affects the developing teen brain, including memory, decision making and self-control. Alcohol and drugs put vulnerable teens at risk for addiction.

Let’s imagine our teens in a small group of friends as we consider some numbers. The annual Youth Risk Behavior Survey (2013) found that among the high school students surveyed about underage drinking in the past 30 days:

35% (1 in 3) drank some amount of alcohol
21% (1 in 5) binge drank
22% (1 in 5) rode with a driver who had been drinking alcohol
10% (1 in 10) drove after drinking alcohol

If parents are chauffeuring their kids to the local drinking hole, the full awareness of substance use risks in teens just isn’t sticking. It’s not only about drunk driving. Driving kids to The Woods is a close cousin to hosting a teen party with alcohol. This is to say, it’s not a good idea. The Partnership for a Drug Free America states:

It’s NOT advisable to host teen parties where alcohol is available (and thus, condone underage drinking.) Also, contrary to popular belief, there is NO evidence that parents can “teach their children to drink responsibly.” Quite the opposite is true — the more exposure to drinking in adolescence and parental acceptance of substance use, the higher the risk of later problem with alcohol and other drugs.

My girls know that if they ever got caught going to The Woods that they would be grounded for at least a month, if not two. My girls lament, “Mom, don’t you trust us?” My answer: “I trust you wholeheartedly but I don’t trust teenagers in a crowd.” For many teens, the consequences of not fitting in has higher emotional stakes than breaking house rules. After all, parents are stuck with their teens, but friends can drop your teen in a split second.

My younger daughter, all but 14, went to The Woods, an annual tradition on the eve of high school. I found out two months later, of course, as the last to know. It was the final summer sleep over. I should have known. The host parent should have known. I was not pleased. It was not a great way to start 9^th grade. She had to earn our trust back.

Nothing good happens in the woods.

A news story a number of years ago broke my heart. A high school girl had been partying with her friends after a homecoming game out at a marshy area. She drank too much. Her friends assumed that she had gone home early. But no. The girl froze to death where she fell.

The girl could have been anyone’s child.

Admittedly, it’s difficult to stop teens from experimenting. It’s almost impossible keep them from potentially being at the wrong place at the wrong time. As parents we can wish, hope and pray for our child’s safety. We can try to control their experiences, track them with GPS apps, and make them pee in a cup.

But there is another way. We can also be present with them in everyday ordinary moments. We can try out conversations no matter how awkward or serious — over and over again. Above all, we can be clear on our expectations, consistent in the implementation of consequences and loving in our acceptance of our children’s growing pains. Most certainly we can role model for them the very attitudes and behaviors we want to see in them.

Maybe it’s time to come out of the dark.

A shorter version of this post is on Huffington Post Parent, published Jan 5, 2015. I welcome comments!

What’s your beauty legacy?

October 7, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

That’s the question that a new Dove film asks mothers and daughters. In documentary style, moms and their daughters (7-10 years old) are asked – separately – to write two lists: what they like about their bodies and what they don’t like.

The first time I watched the film, all of three minutes, I found myself holding my breath. Oh god, what are my daughters, now ages 14 and 16, adopting about the way I view my body or myself?

In the film, when the mother and daughter pairs’ lists were compared, the things they liked and disliked about their body were remarkably similar. If a mom complained about her legs, so did the daughter. If a mom liked her smile, so did the girl.

I watched the film a few more times, putting myself in the role as mom, and as the daughter…my 8- or 12- or 16-year-old self.

To be sure, some women will watch this film and say, “Oh here’s another mother-bashing moment.” Surprisingly, I don’t feel that way. And I’m in a profession that tends to examine childhood hurts and “empathic failures” of parenting to a fault. Instead, I found the film to be a teachable moment. The moms and girls were relatable and endearing; it made me take pause.

And that is the whole point of the film—coming to a moment of self-awareness about the ways we may be influencing our children, intentionally or otherwise.

It also invites a retrospective lens on what beliefs we may have carried forward that may not have been our own to start with.

When I reflect back on my childhood I remember feeling skinny, awkward and ugly. I was the girl who stuffed a training bra with tissues, with little added result. Yet, this self-consciousness didn’t come as some sort of message from my mother. In fact, she missed, and often dismissed, any coming-of-age angst I may have expressed. But no matter. Culture was an influential teacher, even in the hang loose, hippie heyday of the 1970s where a bra was a non-essential.

As my luck had it, my mother was an extraordinary beauty. I admired and felt proud of her natural good looks as some badge of honor I could benefit from. “Your mom is so pretty!” my girlfriends would say. She was much more than that.

My mom handed down an appreciation of the European aesthetic she grew up in, a value for arts and culture, and the gift of grace. She had an aptitude for pulling herself and her two girls together with virtually no financial resources. In hindsight it’s no surprise that she became an Avon Lady selling cosmetics door-to-door, sashaying into the homes of dour housewives, who were charmed by her German accent and her Sophia Loren looks. She had a talent for helping them feel beautiful not only with make-up and perfume samples, but with the wholehearted attention she poured over them.

I doubt any of her customers, largely middle and lower class women living on the coast of Connecticut, had any idea whatsoever that our family was on food stamps, that her husband left the family bankrupt, and that we relied on the generosity of friends to help get us by.

The beauty legacy I inherited from a beautiful woman was not about the shape of my nose, the thickness of my thighs, or the texture of my hair—timeless issues that so many girls obsess over. As the Dove’s Legacy film portrayed, moms are central role models for their children. They pass on beliefs and feelings about beauty, self-worth and so much more.

The legacy that I inherited was this unspoken rule that under no circumstances could anyone know that we were poor. The trick was we had to have a really good cover. The only way that my sister and I could travel through life was to look very put together, neat and clean, and yet trendy. My mother had style. She sewed our outfits. She frequented the local second hand shop, trading our old clothes for the newer, “gently worn” items of the more fortunate.

It was a childhood lesson in “fake it until you make it.”

This had its consequences as my sister and I became teenagers. I remember my first date, the late bloomer that I was, in my sophomore year in high school. A friend’s older brother, the lanky star of the basketball team, invited me to the homecoming dance. I was excited and terrified at the same time.

My girlfriends’ mothers were buying the current fashion of the early 80s: the dreamy Gunny Sack dresses with lace and high collars. Surely we could not afford a Gunny Sack dress. I cried about it. My mother, to her credit, agreed to buy me a short sleeve blouse of the coveted brand. We then went to the fabric store and bought three yards of a sage green print – to match the ribbon trim in the blouse. We sewed a long flowing skirt. And despite my mom’s resourcefulness, I felt ashamed and angry. I feel badly about it now, but that’s a teenager for you. (Today it’s overpriced Uggs and Lululemon yoga pants that are a topic of contention between my girls and me.)

When I met my date’s mother, holding a cocktail in one hand and a cigarette in the other, she lavished over me. She droned, “Why, honey, aren’t you simply lovely. You look like a doll.”

I died inside. Indeed, I felt like a Madame Alexander collectable doll. The worst part, of course, was the only judge was me.

Later in college when I started dating a handsome soccer player, I laughed out loud when he later told me that he thought I was a rich girl from the exclusive township of Greenwich, Connecticut. I seemed untouchable, he noted, and this inspired his pursuit.

It’s funny when I think back that this was the beauty legacy I inherited: to be well put together, look wealthy (not poor), and appear out of reach so that no one could know the real story of my life.

This morning I watched my younger daughter getting up an extra half hour early for school so that she could straighten her long hair with an iron. I remember I did the same, but with hot curlers.

No matter what our mothers may want for us, or say to us about how wonderful we are on the inside, or complain about their own body image, there’s no doubt that girls are raised in part by a much larger force: our culture. My older daughter laments about her thick (and luscious) hair that other girls would die for. My younger daughter thinks that she has a round, fat nose which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Yet, I understand girls are a by-product of the communities they live and play in – off line and online. Unquestionably, mothers can’t help but hand down their beliefs or “legacies,” including those that go beyond looks or body image.

It’s interesting to me that my girls are keenly aware that our family is not rich. Self-comparison is the name of the game in adolescence, especially observing the haves and have-nots. They complain that I’m still driving a 14-year old, rusty mini-van because soon they want to drive a much cooler car. Our house could use a paint job. And we’ve never taken a family vacation to Disney World.

Yet, they have no real idea of what it means to be poor, either. That’s because I have done my best to protect them from the experiences I had as a child, which were largely shrouded in secrecy and shame. I can’t say that this is a good thing. My girls have been well protected from the plight of a broken home, relying on food subsidies, or having to put up a good front. They can only imagine it and, frankly, no kid wants to be lectured about it.

I have no doubt that they will experience losses and hardships. Struggle is necessary, as is failure. That’s the only way to understand what it means to fully live in the world. It requires having to draw on inner resources and resilience you don’t know you have until you are tested by life. At the same time, I am mindful that the lessons I want to teach my daughters is not about the necessity of fitting in or standing out – paradoxical messages they get from society – but of the imperative for kindness and compassion. But mostly, I want them to know they have beautiful spirits and a life of purpose.
It’s a subtle teaching and I have no idea if it will work, but I find myself shifting how I speak to them, which de-emphasizes their looks, social dramas, or complaints.

How’s your spirit today?

Be open to the unexpected surprises.

Smile and see who smiles back.

What made you laugh?

Name one delightful thing you experienced today.

Savor the moment.

Do something nice for someone.

Say thank you.

They pretend to ignore me or roll their eyes. But I don’t mind. The point is our lives are full of riches. And one way or another, they will absorb it. That’s the legacy I hope to pass down.

* * *

Resources:

See Dr Tara’s recent article on Dove’s Self-Esteem website.

Dove kicks off the 5th Annual Self-Esteem Weekend at the United Nations on Oct. 9.

Watch Legacy at www.Dove.com/Legacy and tell the world who you #FeelBeautifulFor on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram
Visit www.Dove.com/Legacy or Facebook.com/Dove for more information on the 5^th Annual Dove Self-Esteem Weekend, to access free self-esteem tools and resources specifically created for moms, mentors and teachers to motivate and inspire young girls.

*Disclosure. I am an expert global advisor to the Dove Self Esteem Project, which has a social mission to improve body confidence in girls. I provide expertise on evidence-based content and curriculum development to support educational initiatives on self-esteem and positive body image in girls. My participation on the Dove Self-Esteem Project advisory board is not an endorsement the DOVE products. The opinions stated on my blog/website are my own.

Raising Kids in the Digital World

September 26, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

OK, game on!! With the new iPhone out and the tussle between Apple and Samsung swelling, our kids are diving right into the mix wanting the latest and greatest of smartphones. My girls are so mad at me for not upgrading them to at least an iPhone 5 – not until their renewal in January. (Patience is a practice). I know. I’m so mean. The real reason they want new iPhones with iOS8 is so they can upgrade to the newest Snapchat features. This apparently means they can opt out of group chats they have no interest in. I’m all for them avoiding peer drama, but they still have to wait.

So once again we are revisiting the family guideposts on technology use at home. It’s a good time as ever with the start of high school, and not to mention that I’m a guest on next week’s Mommybites.com Teleclass: Kids & Social Media: Social Impacts, Potential Risks and Setting Limits. It’s Tue 9/30 at 12noon, EST. Be sure to register, come with questions, and share with friends.

The fact of the matter is that kids with smartphones is like watching a full-body contact sport on the digital playground. It’s fast, competitive and at times, brutal. We need to meet kids where they’re at, and yes, coach and referee when needed.

It’s why the BodiMojo team and I are trying like heck to leverage the use of mobile technology for the good. Mobile technology is here to stay and it’s just a matter of time before its embedded in our clothes, jewelry, and skin! The movement is called the Quantified Self and our kids will be on the frontlines of new technologies. So let’s use the technology tools they use everyday to teach, support and, yes, run interference. BodiMojo is taking on the mission to use mobile phones in kids’ health. We call it emotional intelligence on the go. Ironic, yet apt.

We believe we’re on to something and we need your help. I’m asking for Your VOTE. Mission Main Street will be offering grants of $150K to 20 small businesses in the USA. Yes, big banking is trying to help the small guys. Sweet. It may be a long shot, but a business grant like that would help BodiMojo get off the ground as a business and to bring our innovation out of R&D and into the big playground of healthcare. Read more about it on the BodiMojo blog, or go and vote right now!

Let’s stay ahead of the curve and teach our children well.

5 Videos Every Mom and Daughter (and Son) Should Watch Together

March 14, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Raising girls is hard. Raising boys is hard. We live in a culture where toys are more gendered than ever. The statistics of violence against women has not changed in decades. Aggression in boys and men is on the rise. And the rate of pharmaceuticals given to children keeps increasing. It’s a wonder if any parent can get a restful night’s sleep. My girls tell me to stop reading, that I tend to think the worst, and that I worry too much. On the other hand, I’m the cool mom in the group, they have never been grounded, and as a family we hardly ever fight. Some something is working.

But since having conversation about serious issues with my teenage girls tends to fall flat, I have found videos to be the next best thing to getting a message across. Here are my 5 top picks:

1) Oscar Winner Lupita Nyong’o Speech on Black Beauty in Hollywood, presented at Essence Magazine conference (video)

A flower couldn’t help but bloom inside me.

Inspired by the actresses in The Color Purple that led her to a career in film, Lupita describes her childhood aches about beauty. She begins by reading a letter from a little girl and then shares her own story. Lupita wished to God she had lighter skin and prayed every night. But change never happened. Her perspective did.

With her mom in the audience Lupita tells the story of her transformation from self-hate to self-love. Her mother told her: “You can’t eat beauty… What she meant was, you can’t rely on how you look to sustain you. What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful, is compassion. For yourself and for those around you. That kind of beauty inflames the heart and enchants the soul.” Apparently, Lupita is also a poet.

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2) How Do YOU Define Yourself by Lizzie Velasquez at TedXAustinWomen (video)

There are benefits to being really small.

Lizzie is one of only three people in the entire world with a rare syndrome that prevents her from gaining weight. She’s 25 years old, can only see in one eye, and has never weighed more than 64 pounds. She was cruelly bullied as a child, with people telling her that the world would be better off with out her in it. Her story is nothing short of stunning. Lizzie is living her dream as a motivational speaker.

I watched this clip with my 13 year old, who feels like she looks like she’s still in 4th grade, who was recently diagnosed with a degenerative bone condition that means the end of her 10 years of competitive gymnastics. No more pounding on the elbows, ever. For a little feisty kid known as Jumping Josie, it’s a unexpected life challenge. Listening to Lizzie was inspiring.

What defines you?

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3) The Mask You Live In (trailer) by Jennifer Siebel Newsom

As a society, how are we failing our boys?

My girls watched Miss Representation when the film on girls and women was released. It is part of our DVD library. The film “exposes how mainstream media contribute to the under-representation of women in positions of power and influence in America.”

While empowerment movements abound for girls, however, they seem virtually non-existent for boys. It’s time we pay attention to our boys. I look forward to the film on boys and men. Recently, the trailer when viral. The message is urgent and clear. We can’t empower our girls without doing the same for our boys.

From the website: “Compared to girls, research shows that boys in the U.S. are more likely to be diagnosed with a behavior disorder, prescribed stimulant medications, fail out of school, binge drink, commit a violent crime, and/or take their own lives. The Mask You Live In asks: As a society, how are we failing our boys?”

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4) Selfie, a short film by Dove

What if…your moms can redefine beauty just like you can?

Selfie Screen Shot - A Dove Film — Selfie – A Dove Film

One of the most common anxieties I hear from mothers , who seek me out about how to connect with their girls, centers around what’s happening in social media, cell phones and texting. They are frustrated with how self-absorbed girls seem to be. But social media and smart phones can also be a creative outlet and allow girls to show their real selves.

Taking a selfie is not the worst thing that can happen, remarks a girl in the film. Is the world going to combust into a million little pieces because I put a selfie out there?

The recent film by DOVE helps to open a conversation about beauty, body acceptance, and modern self-portraits. It revolves around a photography workshop with high school girls and their moms. The photographer asks the girls: “What if we figure out a way – when taking a selfie – to actually incorporate the things about us we don’t like?”

She also notes that moms often pass on their insecurities about their body or appearance to their children. “What if you work with your moms, who are also learning how to take selfies? Your moms can redefine beauty just like you can.” My favorite part was when girl in the film remarks on the self-portraits the other girls made.

I was surprised when I heard the girls talking about their insecurities. When they said they were insecure about things, those were things that made them different… but the things that made them different, made them unique. And that made them beautiful.

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5) The Sexy Lie: Caroline Heldman’s talk at TEDxYouth@SanDiego

A sexy lie = being a sex object is empowering (It’s totally not)

Warning Label: To watch this with your teen, you need to deal with the word sex.

Dr. Caroline Heldman is Chair of the Politics Department of Occidential College in Los Angeles. She is a vocal advocate for highlighting how mainstream media contributes to the underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence in America.

I love this talk about sexual objectification and “the sex object test” for media literacy. I also appreciate how Caroline Heldman points out how women fail to enjoy their bodies when they continue view themselves as actors in a scene. We are always starring in our mind movies at the expense of being fully in our bodies.

If we accept the statistics that 70% of high schoolers have sex by the age of 17 (this is for you deniers out there) it’s time to be forthcoming about bodies, sex, respect for self and others, and being fully connected to our physical bodies.

This is in-your-face straight talk. It’s easier for Caroline Heldman to say it to your teen daughter than you.