Everyone is an Imposter (In Other Words, You’re Not Alone)
Let’s face it. Most of us are posers in one form or another. We learn from an early age what is acceptable or not in various situations: at home, in school, on the job, or in the gym (if you go to one). “Pretending” is a survival strategy and meets the very human need for love and belonging.
What disguise do you wear?
Recently, a childhood friend remarked about how she loved to come to our house. She said it felt “exotic” and “curated” compared to her own bland household. My German mother had a good sense of European style to be sure. But no one in my life knew the difficulties that hid behind the facade of what was to become a broken home. I grew up putting on a good exterior to cover up my crushing anxiety.
We are all imposters to some extent.
Let’s face it. In a culture of rating and ranking who wouldn’t feel self-conscious at some point? The brain easily learns by comparing oneself to others and predicting potential outcomes based on past experiences and cultural messages. It’s a constant matrix of simulations in your brain’s immersive, multisensory cinematic experience. Add social media in the mix and your inner critic might explode with the latest notions of perfectionism, which is on the rise.
It’s Ok.
Feeling like an imposter is not a mental diagnosis. Everyone has some hang up about self-worth. Some common imposter experiences include:
- A fear being exposed as a fraud,
- Not believing you deserve good things in life,
- Thinking your success was a mistake or dumb luck,
- Feeling afraid that you are not as smart or talented enough even though you put in the effort,
- Harboring a sense of dread rather than relief or pride with when you do something cool, brilliant or kind.
Such imposter feelings are rooted in limiting beliefs or inner algorithms. These beliefs form in the context of life’s difficulties, unhealthy relationships, and oppressive systems or cultural beliefs (to name a few) that did not allow your bright light to shine. These algorithms deserve a much needed upgrade!
And guess what? You can heal and evolve from imposter feelings once you recognize the influences in your life that arise on the inside (your internal life) and come from the outside (the world at large). You may not be able to change the external forces but you can change how to respond to them and how to manage your thoughts, feelings, and actions. No more hiding who you really are. It’s possible to live with more ease and joy when you decide to be authentic and caring toward yourself and others.
Four Strategies to Manage Imposter Feelings
- Reality Check
Ask yourself: Is what I’m believing true? What’s the evidence? Do I have enough information or am I making an assumption? What happens when I expect the best rather than the worst?
2. Be Your Own Best Friend
Imagine what you would say to a friend who feels like a fraud or minimizes their wonderful traits and experiences. Write down the words and then direct these encouraging sentiments toward yourself. Bonus: Say these thoughtful words aloud in front of a mirror.
3. Rewire Your Brain
Because it can feel foreign to be kind to oneself, just beginning to plant the seed of self-compassion is a good place to start when it comes to nudging your neural networks to be nicer.
Sometimes I like to say that the inner critic’s voice is like a heart palpitation – an internal signal that something may be threatening.The tricky human brain can over-interpret the threat from your body sensations (like nervousness), or misread a feeling of anticipation, as a physical danger that is not there. Flex the self-compassion muscle every day with some kinder self-talk.
4. Create Power Statements
Because self-talk can be so powerful, it helps to edit your inner dialog. It’s not about replacing negativity with positivity (that’s toxic). Rather, it’s learning a new language like any other. It takes patience. Ask yourself how you want to feel: calm, confident, compassionate, courageous, curious?
The simple rules for creating a power statement: Use the present tense, be short and sweet, be authentic to your experience, and evoke an encouraging tone. You can use first person when you feel fully in alignment with a statement. Or, use “you” or your name when you need some tender distance when being brave. Some of the power statements that people have shared with me include:
You belong here.
I give myself grace.
My voice matters.
My knowledge is valuable.
You’ve made it this far! That is enough.
I have the courage to create my life the way I want it.
At first your imposter feelings may kick into high gear. That’s ok. Self-kindness can be very scary.
This kind of emotional exposure is just like how someone might overcome the fear of spiders: by first looking at a picture, then watching a movie about spiders, and eventually letting a Daddy Long Legs crawl on the windowsill–or your arm.
Just keep telling yourself kind things. Practice makes progress.
Coming Soon!
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