leadership

Lead with Love

August 1, 2019 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

There’s a funny thing that happens when you start walking the kindness talk. People seem to crave it. Recently, I’ve been asked to speak at various companies and organizations — from accounting companies to human services, from high net worth investment firms to public schools. What’s the common denominator? I’d like to think this trend is about how we each can be more of the human we want to be: caring, wholehearted and generous. That’s part of it, of course. That’s the bright side of such a talk. But underneath is a deep need to understand what gets in the way. That’s the shadow side.

We need to become friends with the shadow side.

This is easier than you might think. The dark side of corporate culture reveals itself in the face of fear and threat — meeting deadlines, KPIs, profits, career advancement, and all the usual suspects that arise when real or imagined survival is at stake — at the expense of human connection and compassion.

The paradox at the heart of this matter is that it’s okay to be competitive AND cooperative at the same time. It’s more than okay. It’s necessary. It requires awareness in how humans respond to the world, through three emotion motivational systems espoused by the British compassion researcher and psychologist Paul Gilbert. I wrote about it in The Kindness Cure in chapter 10 (Emotional Paradox).

The paradoxes you can experience in your own mind are clashes between the “old brain/mind” and the “new brain/mind.” Your “old brain/mind” is the “base model” of human emotional regulation and hasn’t changed much over millennia. Its job is to serve your basic survival instincts as soon as possible and to seek out pleasure and comfort. It is speedy and reactive. The three main emotion regulation systems operating within it are:

• A threat and self-protection system that senses threats quickly and activates the fight- flight-freeze- faint response in your limbic system. This is like your home surveillance system.

• An incentive and resource-seeking system that propels you to seek pleasure, consume, play, strive/achieve, and mate. It’s like an Energizer Bunny scurrying about, looking for fun or success in life.

• A soothing and contentment system that seeks balance, rest, and connection, and is strongly linked to affection, bonding, caregiving, kindness, and compassion. This is the calm and connect system, and it is a bit slower to come online, but when it does, it gives you a sense of overall wellbeing—like a baby’s snuggly or a rocking chair.

Your “new brain/mind” developed later in human evolution. It’s really smart. The newer model is more complex and allows you to work things through, compare, contemplate, mull things over, create, innovate, imagine, seek knowledge, strive for goals, and develop an identity. This allows for quick learning, exchanging information from among groups, and passing on these adaptive genes to future generations. Importantly, this sophisticated upgrade allows you to be aware that you exist and have a sense of self. Thanks to your “new brain/mind,” you can be aware of your awareness, unlike any other animal, and observe your own mind. This is, of course, both a blessing and a curse.

When your “new brain/mind” is pulled by the fears and passions of the “old brain/mind,” you can get stuck in unkind behaviors (toward yourself or others). This is the unfortunate bug in the system, so to speak.

Workplace Woes, Compassionate Action

This came up in a recent conversation. I was a guest on a podcast summit created by Mari-Lyn Harris, founder of Heart@Work, who I met via Linked In through what I call kindness spotters. (We kindness warriors just find each other.)

Mari-Lyn has been figuring out ways to share the news about leading with kindness, to assist leaders in cultivating better productivity, profits and a happier workplace culture. She created a Virtual Kindness Conference and you can watch it (it’s free). The interviews include short and sweet conversations with experts about workplace culture. You can watch the interviews at Heart@Work or on YouTube. I talk about befriending the inner critic at work and gathering positivity allies to counteract the negativity that even one nasty person can evoke. It takes commitment. Of course, it helps when leadership/management adopts and embodies the values of caring and compassion as integral to company goals, even if you are selling widgets or crunching numbers. You might enjoy the series and have something you would like to offer to an ongoing conversation on kind leadership.

Here’s to growing a kind mind.

21 Days of Kindfulness: Get daily notes to your inbox for just three weeks — which is about the time it takes for a new habit to take root. I invite you to kickstart kindness in your life and share with a friend. It’s free.

A Little Deck of Kindfulness: The card deck is here! (See the sample image above). Cultivate more kindness and compassion for oneself and for others. Order now! (in continental USA).

Love & Resist: Anniversary of Women’s March

January 21, 2018 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

As we come upon the anniversary of the game changing Women’s March, I am in awe of what transpired over the last year. The most curious thing of all is what I found so despicable about our elected leader of the free world was, in fact, a very odd blessing. Light was cast on the dark shadows lurking around for so long. Not all my friends might agree with me or hold similar views, but it’s quite hard to ignore what happened over the year. #MeToo, #TimesUp, and Oprah’s amazing speech at the Golden Globes.

The times they are a-changin’.

One year ago my husband and I marched in Boston. It was nothing short of transformative. First, that my man went with me (he got into designing posters and he even gave one away to a mother and her kid on the subway so she’d have something). Second, that we became part of a peaceful tribe 175,000 strong, forming a “radical kinship” as Father Greg Boyle likes to say. Third, that we took tons of selfies together and sent them to our daughters—not only so they can confirm how their “awkward” parents are, but to see their core values in action (and what a good guy is all about).

I still have our posters in the family room and will dust them off this weekend. I didn’t get my hand-knitted pussy hat in time for last year’s march, but that hat has not seen the dust. I still wear it—and I will as long as it’s cold outside and this president is in office.

It’s not a time to be complacent. It’s a time to address the dark side with a legion of light workers. It’s not a comfortable time and nor should it be. We need to feel irritated enough to take action. The other day I was clearing my office and out of a book fell a prayer card my mother had given one of my girls: Joan of Ark. How apt! The Novena begins: “Glorious St. Joan of Arc, filled with compassion for those who invoke you, with love for those who suffer, heavily laden with the weight of my troubles I kneel at your feet and humbly beg you to take my present need under your special protection.” The image on the front is of the armoured French girl of the 1400s, a spiritual warrior across the ages, holding her flag and sounding the call for compassion, social justice and new leadership. I believe Joan of Arc is at our sides protecting us and emboldening us right now, but mostly we have each other. Saints, angels, whistle blowers, courageous women and men… and those contrarian naysayers, too. We all belong. And we all need to evolve humanity. We can do better.

Be a kindness warrior.

My protest sign last year was on kindness. It’s been my calling and so I’ve been studying it, collecting science and story. The basis for my upcoming book has been the view that kindness is strong, not weak. It is courageous, not cowardly. It is heartful, not heartless. It’s not about being nice, agreeable, or virtuous. It’s about understanding, having boundaries, and taking reasonable action. It’s moving from empathic distress to motivational empathy. Taking a kind stance doesn’t mean giving in. One of the protest slogans seen all over the world last year was: “Feel the Rage, Be the Love.” These six small words perfectly capture both the challenge and the solution when facing difficult persons, places, or things. The meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg asks, “Why can’t we both love and resist at the same time?” This is a perfect question for our life and our times, and it forms the basis for reimagining kindness.

We all have something to stand for. For me it’s giving kindness the gravitas it deserves in the landscape of humanity. After all, we can’t survive without it. I invite you to join me. How are you going to rock your world with kindness?

Get a FREE Rock Your World with Kindness Guide (PDF).

A Booster Shot for Confidence: Power Posing

May 8, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Power Posing. That’s what I’ve been teaching my daughters this week.

Super Woman. Hands on hips. Chest forward. Shoulders back. Chin up.

The irony of it all? Posing like a super hero releases testosterone, the male hormone. It also lowers cortisol, the stress hormone. In fact, just two minutes of such posturing before a stressful event —a class presentation or a public talk or a job review — can make a huge difference in the outcome. So says Harvard Business School social psychologist Amy Cuddy. Her motto:

Our bodies change our minds and our minds can change our behavior, and our behavior can change our outcomes.

She demonstrates the hands-on-hip pose and the winner’s “V” pose, with both arms raised above the head and taking up as much space as possible, as examples of poses that elicit a powerful cocktail of confidence-building hormones. Even if a person doesn’t believe it, the postures alone will trigger a physiological change that others pick up on. In other words, you can fake it until you make it.

I’ve written about this as a neat trick for teenagers on BodiMojo. But I was recently reminded about it after hearing Ann Cuddy’s talk on public radio. I had seen her TedxTalk (Cambridge Thrive 2012) and her TedGlobal talk (over 17M views). As many of my readers may know by now, I’m big fan of science that links the mind and the body. Cuddy and her collaborators tested out the question: Can changing just your body language make you feel more powerful?

The answer is a resounding, yes.

So my daughters have been doing what they usually do when I inform them of an advantageous coping skill. They mock me. They’ve been striking power poses before asking for things. A new dress for the 8th grade social. A drive around the driveway circle alone behind the wheel (my 14 year old). A new used car (my 16 year old). A tattoo. You get the idea. They are preempting my “No’s” with power poses.

All the power to them. If emulating Wonder Woman might improve their chances for success (sans the girdled bodysuit and wristbands), then they can mock me all they want. They can fake it all they want. What I did notice is that their posturing around the kitchen seemed to get them to clear the table and put the dishes in the sink without me asking. From my yogi perspective, these postures are also heart-openers. My girls were actually having fun. There were no complaints. No fighting. No stress. Lower kitchen drama, indeed.

Amy Cuddy’s advice is both simple and elegant. Think about what stresses most people out? Talking to a boss; having to meet with a teacher; facing the mean girls at lunch. A two-minute power pose can make all the difference. Raising testosterone — the “dominance” hormone in the animal kingdom — and lowering stress levels, makes for more a balanced leader.

Calm. Cool. Collected. Confident.

A small tweak can lead to a big shift. Of course, Cuddy is not suggesting that a person walk into a situation looking like a super hero. It’s more about practicing the posture in private before you enter into a social or evaluative situation. It’s also about pairing the posture with the intention of stepping up to the plate and to envisioning one’s success.

It’s low tech and doesn’t require a life coach.

* * *

See an image of power poses here.

Why Girl Empowerment Movements Will Never End

February 16, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

I’m continually struck with the amazing number of pro-girl organizations and initiatives that are spawned and nurtured by amazing people—mothers, fathers, celebrities, journalists, social activists and girls themselves. I track these organizations, their tweets, campaigns, cyber pledges, polls, and share these missions as best I can with my daughters and broader social networks of mixed company.

…and many more.

I’m also sobered by the realization that pro-girl initiatives will be needed perhaps as long as humankind exists. The efforts for girls’ education, empowerment and entrepreneurship– the three Es are necessary for the health and vitality of the world. Although I feel privileged to exist in the place and time in which I find myself, there are so many parts of the world where girls and women are oppressed in unimaginable ways—where basic needs and human rights are priorities. In the Western (and ostensibly advanced) USA where I raise my daughters, the onslaught of negative cultural messages targeted at girls appears to be at a peak. So is a contagion of destructive coping strategies among girls—disordered eating, cutting and self-harm—to name a few of the most searing and heartbreaking of silent epidemics. These conditions are now amplified by social media and mobile communication, a medium that has its advantages and disadvantages depending on how they are used.

In a conversation with dad of a struggling daughter we lamented over this state of girls’ health and the recipe for tragedy–where shame and secrecy, combined with the viral effect of sharing insidious ways to deal with stress or despair, have fueled an adolescent health crisis. He noted that boys are next as he reflected on his son. (The cultural assault on our boys is a topic for another discussion but has been well underway for many years and is inextricably intertwined in our gender scripts).

It’s impossible to guard against the assault on my own being—as an adult woman and a mother—or to even feel empowered to protect my girls
from blatant, sexist and narrow gender typed messages. And it’s getting worse. It’s one reason why I created BodiMojo.com ad the DailyMojo blog by girls. Even after three waves of feminism (the last two tidal waves on which I surfed), progress is in peril. Despite some enlightened media outlets and cause marketing to stem the tide, I confess I often feel a backward pull.

I recently heard Deepak Chopra speak at the Massachusetts Conference for Women (Dec 6, 2012). He told a beautiful story about his mother. His remembrance evoked an image of a strong matriarch, grounded, spiritual, and in control, and who never failed to think of the welfare of others as a model of sustainability and growth. To an audience of over 8000 women, Dr. Chopra spoke of a universal shift toward feminine power—one that has been a guiding force for him. “It’s arrived,” he said. And you could feel it in the presence of a sea of women—the possibility, the hope and renewed energy.

Yet, at a private level, in my small world of raising teenage girls in a household that espouses the three Es, little things peck away—eroding my girls’ confidence while it is just in the making.

This became most poignant recently with my 15-year-old Sophie. On the surface she is a smart, confident girl on varsity sports teams in freshman year, involved in a youth group at church focused on social action,has a great group of friends. As parents, my husband and I are fairly relieved at a smooth adjustment to middle adolescence. Yet, we still hold our breath.

She’s also “pretty” by cultural standards. Indeed, a panel of judges might consider my daughter to be a promising “package.” This word is now flippantly used to describe a human being. The phrase speaks volumes about how American Idol or The Voice shape our cultural scripts. Of course, like many teenagers, Sophie has put up a “good cover.”

Few signs of distress could be discerned from her, other than complaints of homework, bad coaching, or sister fights. And even less is available about her inner world—until that secret life appeared on her Twitter feed.

Before she had her own iPhone she’d check her Twitter account on mine. I’d hear the retweets pop up. I didn’t totally mind this, although I was getting particularly annoyed one Sunday when there seemed to be a flurry of conversations I cared not to be interrupted by. Then I see that her friend had retweeted a comment Sophie posted earlier:

I wish I was pretty like the girls on Tumblr.

My heart stopped for a split second.

Wait. Does she really feel that way?

Shit. Tumblr?

Does she have a blog there, too?

Moms always think they are on top of things. Nope. Sure enough, her Tumblr blog was stated on her twitter profile. I clicked on the link.

I scrolled and scrolled. What I see is an amazingly creative, stream of posts, not unlike the magazine collages my girlfriends and I would spend hours making. As teens we would cut out images from Seventeen or Teen Beat, rearrange letters and glue photographs—photosthat we had to spend our babysitting money on and wait a week to get developed on Main Street. It was heartfelt work. Collage making was a teenage girl’s right of passage, along with hundreds of notes folded into triangles, pressed in the back of jean pockets, and saved in shoeboxes.

Thirty years later my daughter is doing the same thing with modern tools. On her blog she had reposted pictures of baby animals, muddy female soccer players, various Olympians. So, too, were numerous gorgeous girls and guys, in the strict, gendered ways media portrays male and female beauty: Skinny girls with long hair; guys with glossy six-pack abs. (Really, are there any other images available?)

And I thought I was so smart in not having any beauty magazine subscriptions at home.

I was heartened somewhat that her mixed media clearly portrayed vestiges of coming of age. It was cuteness, love, courage, athleticism, and positive quotes. Just scrolling the blog undoubtledy evoked feel-good hormones. An Oxytocin hit.

I thought, Ok, this is totally normal. There are no images of violence, self-harm or pro-anorexic girls. But how to start a conversation about her comment on Twitter? I had told her clearly I’m not snooping when my own phone alerts me to her social network. She knew I was getting these and could not figure out how to disable her account on my phone (she later did).

She’s a very private child. A private child with a public channel. The only way to bring up her comment about girls on Tumblr (AND Tumblr) was in the car.

Driving side by side we can usually talk with ease, not having to look the other in the eye or hide flushed cheeks. We talked about her height (she’s disappointed to have peaked at 5’2), her “poofy hair,” and body image; and once again we discuss social media, the blessing and curse of it, and how to manage it with discretion and privacy. Of course, she finds me too serious or overly concerned. Oh my god, Mom, really?

But my mother, who cared deeply about her two girls, never asked how I felt or ever wondered about my emotional life. She did not prepare me for puberty or offer to buy me a bra. I wish she had. And if she had asked me how I was doing? I may have dismissed her outright. I’m sure I scared her.But on some level I would also know that she was at least curious or courageous enough to ask me.

I have worked with the most wonderful and connected of parents who become flabbergasted to learn about their own child’s conflicts or pain. Many adolescents do not want to upset parents, or disappoint them, and many don’t know how to approach them. They live secret lives on many levels.

There are no easy answers. Parents aren’t mind readers. The hardest part for parents now seems to be how to genuinely connect in a hyper-connected
world—a world increasingly devoid of interpersonal nuances, emotional cues and heartfelt empathy. Yet, the answer always seems to be the same:

Stay connected, listen, and be present
Know who your kid’s friends are, and know who these friends’ parents are
Observe their social networks online and offline
Be curious but not intrusive
Notice media messages and consumerism with them
Share (with discretion) some of your teen challenges and how you got through them
Have clarity on your own internal story of body image, identity, and self-esteem
Take a witnessing stance and notice what you may (or may not) be modeling for your child
Join and support organizations that support girls and make it a part of family life and core values
Help girls see the plight of other girls to challenge their perpectives, to broaden world view, and foster global sisterhood (the upside of social comparision)
Find older and near-age mentors and role models who may be perceived as more relatable and less intense than you may be (i.e., find
a cool younger person)
Be open, authentic and courageous; be honest about mistakes; go forward with love
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

There is no silver lining playbook for ushering our girls into the adult world. Love and connection is the way.