Tara Cousineau, PhD

Clinical Psychologist, Kindness Warrior

Daughters

A Gift of Self-Compassion: Parenting Your Inner Child

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Girl on dad's shoulders - Version 2

This is one of those way way back stories. It takes place in a small family room set up for my sister and me. It was a nook of sorts and had a black and white TV. Family lore has it that my first words were “I Love Lucy!” learned in that very space. There is no doubt in my mind that this could have been true. After all it was once a place where our family of four gathered to watch the Ricardo’s antics with reverence. It was the last place we could be found together before my parents finally divorced.

It was also the “playroom” where we played with dolls, built blanket forts, and colored. One day I was there with my best friend, Heidi. My first true friend. I met her at kindergarten orientation with Ms. Francin. We were paired together and it turned out we both lived along winding Old West Mountian Road. Later it was her dear family who showed me a different kind of home life.

This one day Heidi and I had gleefully discovered a new painting technique. We dipped our brushes in the murky watercolor set and whipped them. Back and forth, back and forth. We splattered tiny rainbow polka dots over the white sheets of paper in front of us. It was thrilling.

I didn’t learn of Jackson Pollock until I was grown up and every time I see a painting of his I think back to that fateful day. It resulted in one of my first clear memories of shame. My mother came in with a look of horror, followed by a litany of screams and German cuss words. She pulled me aside and spanked me in front of my new friend. I was confused. I was red hot.  Heidi froze in place. When I looked at the wall behind me I discovered that we had indeed “ruined” the walls. I instantly felt like I was a terrible little girl for having spoiled something of value belonging to someone I loved. And I had an unwitting accomplice.

The artist in me shut down.

Toward the end of the 6th grade, when I was about 11, we had to try out for the junior high chorus. I had loved singing as a young child. Apparently, I could blurt out the German lyrics of many a childhood lullaby. But I had become a shy girl in public. There were too many problems at home. Heidi had moved far away the year before. And while the school day was a reprieve, I held my breath for most of it. I barely spoke in school and when I was asked to sing a song in the concrete corridors of Barlow Mountain Elementary School – just in front of the gym doors where others could hear me – I became mute. The next year I ended up in music appreciation class with 20 obnoxious boys.

The singer in me shut down.

When I was in my first college English class I wrote a personal essay of what I thought was the triumph of overcoming the hardship of my postwar upbringing and of being the first child in my extended family to go to college. The classic story of a first generation American. The teacher gave me a C+ and told me visit the counseling and writing centers. It was the C+ that crushed me.

The writer in me shut down.

My childhood experiences are not uncommon. So many of us know intimately the empathic failures of the adults in our world. (Forgive them for they no know what they do). My mother was not a mean person. She was overwhelmed. The chorus judges were not bad people. The English teacher was green and didn’t know what to do once he got piles of personal stories. But who has that perspective as a kid?

Every one of us has closed off part of our selves because we learn in many small ways over a long time that who we are is never good enough. We have learned the language of comparison, judgment and perfectionism.

Yet I know that the little artist in me had some sense that I had self-worth for I grew up to love art and fashion. I know the singer in me has not died for my crooning in church moves me to tears – even if I get choked up and can only finish a hymn in a whisper. I know the writer in me lives in some small and big ways for I would not have been able to dabble with this blog or write a dissertation.

Now that I have my own girls I am mindful of my words and actions on their vulnerable hearts – I know I have failed them and will fail them. I also know something else. It is my instinct to nurture them the best way I know how. But it is a gift to also care for the child within myself even as I age. How can I not see my younger selves when I see my girls at their tender ages? It’s inevitable. For all the hurts I may have endured, something far greater and more beautiful persists. That is the courage to create, the willing to sing out of tune, and the commitment to speak my truth – on paper, in person, in prayer. I practice compassion for that shy, yet feisty girl.

A brave girl.

I bring her with me and let her know that all is well. I love her. She has been a great teacher. I carry her on my shoulders in triumph and together we go forth with whole hearts.

 

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It is a privilege and a gift to be a candidate in Brené Brown’s The Daring Way™ method, a training and certification program for helping professionals who want to facilitate Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability, courage, shame, and worthiness. We are a community of wholehearted practitioners who believe in the power of owning our stories, and who recognize that vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage.

Additional Resource:

Download Dr. Brown’s Parenting Manifesto. Read it (1) for yourself as a parent and (2) in parenting your inner child.

http://brenebrown.com/downloads-badges/

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Bralettes, Bandeaus and Corsets, Oh My!

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It’s a girl thing.  It lasts a lifetime. It’s called hating your body.

In fact, some researchers have referred to it a “normative discontent.” Yes, feeling dissatisfied and ashamed with your looks, weight, and body shape. It’s a phenomenon finely sculpted by our culture and, ah hum, ladies, lasts a lifetime.

Body dissatisfaction manifests in many subtle and not so subtle ways. It starts as young as 6 years old and ignites around puberty. I am now living through pubertal journey No. 3. First me; my older daughter; and now my youngest. The pattern, if there is one: Late bloomer, on schedule, late bloomer.

I remember having to have to ask my mom for a training bra back in the 1970s, when halter-tops were the fashion. A hang loose era. The grownups were in their own bubble, while adolescent girls were donning their crisscross bras, obvious under the classic white tees.

Pretty Please

There was only one store for girls in the small town I grew up in. The Cortina Shop. It carried baby onesies, pajamas, and party dresses – 6 months to 14 years. There seemed to be an odd hush in the store when I had occasion to go in; it felt like being in church. No touching. No talking. It was intimidating. On a small rack in the back of the store, near the dressing room, was a row of small harnesses: Teenform 32AA – 34C. Pretty Please, Criss Cross. Lucky Star.  (These could be names of horses in the Kentucky Derby.)

Teenform Training (collectible-5811)The packaging came with instructions not unlike Singer dress patterns, with line drawings on how to put one on. The training bras were without padding. There was a hint of lace. Maybe a rose bud in the middle. The bra wasn’t easy to get on or off.

At the time a girl might covet one or two bras at most. Eventually, the white fabric would turn a grungy yellow. Sometimes they were stuffed with Kleenex, a disaster in the wash and dryer. That first time “shopping” for a bra was mortifying. I had to ask mom to take me to Cortina’s. She complained that it was not necessary. Whether or not I needed a bra was not the point in my mind. As a post war German immigrant, my mom’s practicality trumped sensitivity. Plus, bras were an expense, relatively speaking. Having more than one was an indulgence – all the more so because I didn’t need one for a long time.

I digress.  Now I have a tween. Tween is a marketing term that retailers use to describe a demographic of girls between the ages of 8 and 12.  And it comes down to two personas that get promoted: princess and slut. (You can read Peggy Orenstein’s book, Cinderella Ate My Daughter to get a full picture of raising girls in today’s culture.) Yet, here is a word – tween – that aptly describes my petite 13-year-old. Officially a teenager, she laments that kids view her like she’s still a 4th grader. She hates being called “cute” in the hallways of middle school. In contrast, her best friend is the complete physical opposite and could easily be taken for a full-bodied senior in high school. They are quite a pair seen together and I love that they are still BFFs. Yet, both suffer from body image concerns. Neither fit the cultural norm. Not even close.

But who does?  Less than 5% of all women, that’s who.

Another way of saying this:

95% of girls and women DO NOT and WILL NOT fit the cultural beauty ideal for women.

95%. That’s me and you, girlfriend. That includes our daughters, sisters, mothers and friends. (Sorry if I’m shouting at you.)

Levels of Lift

Thank god for sport bras. They are best things since training bras, truly. Couldn’t we be satisfied with these colorful and truly practical under garments? Think about it. They fit just about any girl, at any age, no matter what size or shape. They are especially handy for the breast bud phase as well as for the years when gravity finally takes its hold. Brilliant invention. But No. Victoria and Aerie have changed the lingerie landscape. They have taken girlhood to an extreme, glorifying the unrealistic standard for beauty to a new level of egregiousness by the sheer fact of targeting tweens and their credit card-carrying moms. Now girls have 100s of bras to choose from, including bralettes, bandeaus and corsets!

Recently, I found myself shopping with my daughter for undies. Target and Justice were just not cutting it anymore. Knowing what was ahead of me, I had one rule: no thongs. Indeed, my husband practically had a heart attack one night as he was helping out with piles of laundry. He pulled out a string of blue lace belonging to our eldest. Pinching the specimen, he declared, “I’m not folding any more. Sorry.”

PRETTY, SOFT, COMFORTABLE BRAS THAT FEEL SEXY AND LOOK BEAUTIFUL UNDER EVERYTHING YOU WEAR. FIND YOUR NEW LOVE IN OUR ENDLESS COLLECTION OF PUSHUP BRAS, MADE WITH SOFT LACE, DELICATE MESH AND FINISHED WITH THE PRETTIEST DETAILS. LEVELS OF LIFT GO FROM PERKY TO DOUBLE WHOA…

PERFECT PERKINESS FOR EVERY GIRL!

A bit of a stretch from 1970s Teenform: “Growing girls deserve first prize for the prettiest possible curve control.”  Now, the more stacked the better. There is hardly a bra to be found that doesn’t have foam padding (the option is “lite padding”). In my sentimental google search for an image of my first bra I was mildly offended that the research brought up “vintage training bras.” Vintage!

Then I looked at the antique packaging, with sweet pre-teens on the cover, and felt a wave of emotion. I felt proud that I could speak up back then and tell my mom what I needed. I also felt sad that the innocence of a girl’s coming of age is a pastime.

aerie ad

Today’s girls and moms may be empowered with the sheer volume of choices, may enjoy wearing the lace and silk, and feel good in their bodies for a while –  and yes, even acknowledge sensation and pleasure. A celebration! But to what end when the incessant messages about beauty, sexuality, and femininity are so narrowly defined?

I know moms who got boob jobs when their girls became teenagers. Cosmetic surgery is offered as a high school graduation gift. Often, mothers and daughters go together. And those mani-pedi parties for kindergartners?

Maybe there is another message we want to pass down. Maybe there is another way to celebrate the body.

Just maybe.

* * *

My daughter was very pleased with her new collection of undies. “I can’t wait to wear these even though no one will know!”

What did she do once we got in the car? She pulled one piece out of the bag, placed it on her head and exclaimed: “This calls for a Snapchat!”

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(Short of buying a book, see history of the brassiere on Wikipedia. Patti Page in the 1960s is the real deal when it comes to perkiness. Curiously, the 1980s is missing!)

 

The Boobie Trap – Teaching Our Girls to Love Their Bodies By Loving Ours

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Boobs. They all want them. In some way, shape or form. The girls all want to look like Victoria’s Secret models before they have breast buds. From the time girls are in strollers to hanging with chums at the mall, Victoria’s Secret and younger sister brand, Pink, dominate the visual space. (Is it not totally unnecessary to have ginormous cleavage flanking the mall walls? But the customers, in the end, are men).

Teeny Bikini Tops © TCousineau

When I saw the bikini tops my 15 year old bought at the mall, I was like, seriously? This is what they are selling to the tweens and teens now? Bathing tops with 1 inch thick foam inserts that are sewn in?

I told my daughter that I appreciated the mix and match bathing suits. There is some progress in fashion industry when women can actually choose bottoms and tops that fit their body type. But I didn’t appreciate the unnecessary bulk, sorry to say.  I told Sophie she had to return the pink falsie bikini top.

At some point a mom has to put her foot down. We can’t let culture take over! The bathing top has been sitting in her drawer for the last few weeks. I’m sure she’s lost the receipt by now. She really didn’t put up a fuss, funny enough. It may end up at a friend’s house. Or on Facebook, worn by someone else.

Then, on a recent morning, a client came in frazzled. I assumed it was a kid issue with school being out and structure tossed out the window. I simply asked how she was doing and what was the first thing she thought of when she woke up.

“I hate my body.”

That was your very first thought when you woke up?

“Yup, I feel disgusting. In fact, I can’t stand myself right now.”

Ooh. Harsh.

How many women wake up hating their bodies? The meanest hour of all must be the mornings, when you look in the mirror or take a shower. You are face-to-face with your body. Countless women have said similar things over the years.  That internal conversation of mean fat talk. It’s even been referred to as “normative discontent.”

This self-loathing begins at an early age. And just like my daughter trying to have a body she doesn’t yet have—and may never grow into—makes me want to cry. I don’t know if she hates her body. She appears to still be idealistic and hopeful about her self, her body, her life.

Here’s the thing. We women become our own worst critics and we inadvertently teach this self-hatred to our girls, whether we say it out loud or not. We have a biological default setting to look out for the big, bad and the ugly (and often it’s the reflection in the mirror). It’s called the negativity bias and our brains are wired for it. Women are experts at social comparison. It’s innate. The problem is we negatively compare ourselves to others and have a difficult time appreciating the positive. Anything positive. Many women even give up on the very essential task of self-care. They just give up! Can’t blame them. Who can live up to the fashion covers and cultural messages about beauty and graceful aging? It’s hard to talk oneself out of self-loathing when the world shows you what you will never be.

Here’s the thing that women and moms need to embrace:

  1. Love and appreciate the body you have, the body you’ve grown into. Do this for yourself and do this for your daughters. Help them change mindsets early on by  treating yourself with kindness and self-care.
  2. When you take care of your body and appreciate its amazing ability (to walk, run, play sports, dance, carry babies, and so), your children will take in this positive behavior and body image on an unconscious level.
  3. Teach your girls that they will likely inherit the body shapes of other females in the family tree (biological relatives). This is REALITY. So the best way to take care of what nature gave you, is to eat well, exercise, reduce stress, get sleep, and be appreciative of your own gifts.
  4. The most beautiful people are the ones who feel comfortable in their bodies no matter the size and shape.

I have to catch myself sometimes, though. I can be hard to walk the talk. Recently, I was musing aloud in the car. My younger daughter had her ear buds in.

I really need to find a gym. I like to get in some cardio. Yoga is great but I need to get my heart rate going more.

As if on cue, Josie, my younger daughter with the supersonic ears, proclaimed in a deadpan voice:

“When women reach midlife their metabolism changes. The nutrition and exercise that may have worked in the past won’t work now.”

I glanced at her for a long moment.  Really?

“I heard that on a commercial recently.”

Well said. What diet pill were they pushing??

“I can’t remember. Some medication.”

So there you have it. The pharmaceutical companies take over from the damage the lingerie shops and fashion rags of the world have done to women’s self-confidence. Their advertising goes right to the heart to the matter – changing bodies – and spins this as a lost hope that only meds can revive.

Shoot me.  (Ok, not really.)  But it became a teachable moment for this mother and daughter pair about changing bodies over the lifespan—as well as a bit of media literacy on what the ads are selling. The fact of the matter? At my glorious middle age, I do need to exercise more—but for my heart health and for more energy.  If I lose a pound or two, that’s a bonus.

No more talking aloud to myself. I just need to do it and let my daughters know I feel great when my body and mind are in a good place. That’s the best role model I can be.

 * * *

Do you hate your body? Does your daughter?

If you are a mom in need of support and coaching, let’s talk.

 

 

In the Age of Selfies Who is Camera Shy?

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A Moxie Mom Selfie

My teenager daughters and all of their friends spend lots of time take photos of themselves. The one day I took a mobile photo of myself in front of our garden with over 100 glorious tulips, my 13 year old, Josie, admonished me: “Mom, are you taking a selfie?

As if it is totally ok for her to take self-portraits, but not for me. As if I’m too outmoded. I got a good laugh out of it and proudly stated that, indeed, I was taking a selfie, so there.  I hadn’t really heard the term before and it struck me as if there was sexualized undertone or something taboo about a “selfie.”  Call me a psychologist, why don’t you? (Of course, some hormone-driven teens are taking and sharing photos of themselves that are, let’s say, inappropriate, but that’s a future post.) To prove Josie that I was also entitled to taking selfies, I started sending them to her. (Like the one of me waiting in the parking lot of school to pick her up). Mom’s here!

Josie in Tree © TCousineau

Yet, here is the thing. My daughters are constantly taking photos of themselves, their friends, their morning pancakes, and of the most mundane details of daily life. They are a generation of content creators. But what they choose to share on their networks range from funny faces or physical antics to their trusted circle to a very crafted “pruning” of their more public profiles. In fact, girls today are highly sophisticated editors of their profiles. Snapshot is great for the spontaneous moment while Facebook is the public resume of middle or high schoolers. Parents may find some solace in a recent MTV survey suggesting that this generation of social media natives is more pragmatic  (and cautious) than their older digitally savvy counterparts, the 20 somethings.  Maybe the message trickled down that a digital footprint lives forever in cyberspace.

What I also notice is that if I try to take a photo of my girls and their friends they resist with all the fervor that I did as a girl and that I still do today. In fact, I rarely show up in any photos and I joke that no one will know that my girls had a mother given the dearth of photographic evidence. Even so, my teen girls now protest when I try to document their life – when I’m the observer rather than they the producers. Gone are the days when they pranced around in mom’s high heels and capes. Uh-humm, culture has it’s strangle hold on beauty by age 11.

“I look terrible.”

“I have no mascara on.”

“I just woke up.”

And so on.The recent DOVE film entiteld Camera Shy, which just won a Cannes Lion award and part of a campaign called Camera Shy, portrays this sentiment, working backwards on the modesty continuum from women to little girls.

dove-camera-shy-3

Dove Fim: Camera Shy

I just wish the message at the end was: “Reclaim your unabashed beauty.” After all, we once could have cared less what others thought. We just wanted someone to appreciate our joy, on camera or off.

Confessions of a Digital Mom: Emoji Sweet Nothin’s

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Hey Moms. Are you trying to play catch up with your daughters?  I am. We have two dynamic duos under our roof.  I’ve never experienced anything like the sheer fluency my girls have with their smartphones and apps. They pick up the latest things with such ease, it’s crazy. Snapchat, Vine. I’m convinced my 13 year old will be an animator or movie director. She’s producing shorts  (like 6 second short movies) in no time.

My older one has already posted over 6000 tweets on god knows what girlie girl nonsense… oh and by the way tweeted that she hated me one day when I made her go on a youth retreat that had been planned all year.

Anyway. SOML.

I’ve come to the stark realization, that our girls are engaged – and spending so much time – in their digital playgrounds, that the lines are getting blurred between the real and the virtual world. And that parents, including me, tend to go merrily along thinking are our girls are smart, kind, and respectful, that they should know better about how to behave in all social arenas.

If you think back just 20 or 30 years to our own teenage years we were passing notes in hallways, saving them in shoe boxes, or making paper collages from cutouts of Teen Beat and Seventeen magazine… and plastering them on our bedroom walls. This took a lot of time and reflection. We had no money to develop photos and rarely owned a camera for that matter.

Also, there were only one or two phones in a house, and our parents had rules about the phone since it was a shared among many.

But mostly we spent a lot of time playing, hanging out, and talking with each other – like in person. Today’s teens spend up to 40 hours a week using technology, looking at screens, which is of course, the equivalent to a full time job.

Times have changed, haven’t they?

Here’s the first reality that is ever so evident (and you don’t need a PHD to know this): Girls’ social networks have become a primary way for girls to relate to each other. They are immensely connected to this new way of communicating. It’s mesmerizing.

Another Selfie
A Sisterly Selfie

In fact, of all the demographic groups teen girls are the most prolific texters, with numbers of text upwards of 4000 per month and over 100 a day. If I added up my 15 year old’s tweets, texts and posts per month, it’s like around 10K. Maybe not. I should really take the time to count. But I can’t. It’s a guestimate. I bet she’d qualify for a 10K club of digital divas. I could be a proud mama, right?

Actually, if she wasn’t also a decent student and super busy on several athletic teams, I might be concerned about her social media excess and my parenting. Plus, she’s doing her own laundry now. Bonus for me. (I resigned as laundress when she entered high school. It’s a good strategy.)

But here’s my take on what happens with tween girls and technology:

Texting, social networks and chat apps amplify girls’ biological drive to share, compare, and care.

Those behaviors that we mothers did as girls are now digitized: sharing secrets, taking photos, collecting images of favorite things like celebrities, fashion, cute guys, funny or inspiring quotes … it’s all online and doesn’t cost much money, although it consumes way more time and attention in girls’ lives.

And that’s the sad truth of the matter.

In fact, girls relating in this way find it so beguiling that technology is the perfect trigger for compulsive behavior. They crave it. The get anxious when they aren’t connected to their devices.

In fact, many of you moms are doing this, too. Admit it.

But tweens and teens don’t filter what they do in these digital realms – they don’t take the time to reflect before they post; they don’t yet have the cognitive skills to do this with ease. They don’t have the brakes to slow down.

Their brains just aren’t there yet.

As far as I can tell the books and resources on online safety and digital culture don’t adequately take into account how girls an boys are biologically wired for certain behaviors in adolescence. You know, the behaviors to ensure survival and passing on of genes, like sex?

It’s a perfect storm. Maturational changes, biological drives to procreate, desperate need to be with friends, competing for social status, and sensation seeking – all being played out on the modern digital stage. Social technologies feed right into certain neurological mechanisms that reinforce behavior and learning patterns.

Girls in particular are primed to behave in a number of ways based on the female biological blueprint that plays out in interesting ways in digital playgrounds. Here’s my take on three primary ways modern girls connect:

BEAUTY: Girls’ begin to focus on their appearance and engage in ways to be more attractive for mating. This, by the way would occur regardless of our overly sexualized media. Media magnifies girls’ attention to appearance but biologically girls are driven to make themselves appealing.  So posting photos and pruning their digital profiles is the current method for posturing. They don’t even realize it. (See post on my daughter’s first high heels.)

This drive to be wanted and accepted is also why tweens rigidly conform to the current fashion trends – it’s out of sheer fear.  God forbid a girl stands out from the crowd as being too different. Where my girls go to public school, I call it the middle school Abercrombie Uniform. Thankfully, girls grow out of it in high school and tend to adopt more fashion diversity as they develop their identities. Nevertheless, they spend hours posting outfits and dresses in prep for the school socials or proms – getting endless tips and feedback from friends. Then there is posting once the event has actually occurred. At that point the number of “likes” becomes the ultimate personal affirmation.

FRIENDSHIPS: Girls’ drive to bond and socialize intensifies in adolescence. So there is, what seems to parents, a ridiculous need to be with girlfriends. Cliques begin to form, which again, has a basis in human survival. Whereas boys and men tend to be primed to fight or flee in face of danger, girls and women do what some social scientists call “tend and befriend.” They gather in groups as a way to have strength in numbers and naturally nurture each other in the face of stress.

OMG, girls are chatty, too, and have more developed language skills than boys do in early adolescence. This is also related to the oxytocin spike that occurs in the middle of the menstrual cycle – the bonding hormone. Don’t you ever wonder why your daughter might be ignoring you, not listening, grunting her way through a minimalist conversation and then all of the sudden she’s talking up a storm and you wonder what the heck happened? Maybe you feel she stills love you after all and cares what you have to say?  Alas, credit can be given in part  to her hormonal cycle. (BTW: It’s worth it to track both your and her menstrual cycle. This helps to predict the good and the bad days and when to ask her to clean her room. Let Dad in on the secret so he may be better prepared to deal with the female drama.)

The sheer volume of girls texting also begins to make sense. They spew out everything to thier freinds. It’s the uncut version. Girls announce every thought and feeling on their social networks.

The bottom line is that girls are built to socialize. Texting is simply the new channel.

STRESS: Girls, for some reason also begin to have higher levels of stress hormone cortisol. They are more sensitive to social cues.  They are very good at emotional recognition – and therefore they tend to “read” into many situations. They look for meaning even when it may not be there. This vigilance may have been necessary in hunt and gather days when protecting the young was a primary drive. But today?  They are expending energy trying to interpret the meaning of texts from their BFFs.

Of course, the opportunity for misinterpretation with social media and texting is HUGE without the face-to-face interpersonal cues. Girls expend a ton of energy reading between the lines and can easily get it wrong. This was just played out recently in my younger daughter’s little social circle and it was something one friend said in the lunch line about another friend – an anorexia jibe (which can be perceived as a compliment or a critique depending on the context). Of course, the comment got misconstrued and then texted among friends, causing unnecessary rifts and shifting alliances. There was anger, shame, tears, and confusion.  That the smallest slight can be amplified and go viral in an instant set girls more on edge and they “track” it more. We’ve heard about some tragic consequences when these things get out of hand when the “viral” humiliation – the sharing of a photo, slur and personal attacks – is too much and too painful for some teens to handle. Most teens have fragile hearts and fragile brains. They are still forming their identities, skills, and ability to cope. It’s a stressful time in life.

Which girls might be more at risk socially?

It is really hard to know or predict how girls will navigate their social circles and who might be particularly vulnerable to the negative effects or experiences with social media activity. Why? Because being a teen comes with a lot of volatility given all the changes in body, brain and social life.

So let’s look at some research on this.

Roy Pea and Clifford Nass, communication researchers at Stanford (2010) surveyed over 3,400 girls, ages 8 to 12, all subscribers to Discovery Girls magazine, about their electronic diversions and their social and emotional lives. The results were unsettling.

The girls took the survey online, which asked about the time they spent watching video (television, YouTube, movies) listening to music, reading, doing homework, emailing, posting to Facebook, texting, instant messaging, talking on the phone and video chatting. Basically, what every girl does outside of school hours. They also asked how often the girls were doing two or more of these activities at the same time.

The girls’ answers showed that multitasking is a major drag. The results indicated that girls who spent many hours watching videos and using online communication reported negative personal experiences:

  • feeling less social success,
  • not feeling normal,
  • having more friends whom parents perceived as bad influences,
  • and sleeping less (no surprise there).

Of course, a definite cause-and-effect can’t be proved with a survey but the results are cautionary.

But the survey also asked the girls a different, and very important, question: How much time do you spend participating in face-to-face conversations with other people?

The researchers found the opposite effects:  Higher levels of face-to-face communication were associated with greater social success, greater feelings of normalcy, more sleep and fewer friends whom parents judged to be bad influences.  Ok, like this is key, right?  Here’s the message that modern families need to get: Our kids learn the complicated task of interpreting emotions by watching the faces of other people and interacting with them. You want emotional intelligent empathic kids, right?  Monitor their media diets! Especially in adolescence, a highly sensitive period of brain development.

Good Night Emoji © TCousineau 2013
Good Night, Little Emoji

I confess that I love texting with my daughters. Just at a time when they are pulling away, a short text seems like a token of love. Sending an Emoji infused text when I’m out of town – a smiley face blowing a kiss – or my favorite, a crescent moon – approximates a sentiment of caring. It’s virtual parenting. These digital doodads also fill a gap when, god forbid, you actually try to give your a teen a goodnight kiss in person. Emojis are like an emotional mom-aide. This techno-luv is all well and good but can’t ever truly compensate for the real thing. So in my home, we are trying to make a concerted effort in balancing things out when it comes to media. In the end, the work is less about stopping the floodgates of technology and more about spending time together in meaningful ways. It’s good for the heart and it’s good for the brain. We have to do this now because when they grow up, we really want them to be able to look someone in the eye, shake a hand, speak with purpose and be emotionally connected.

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For more on girls and social media, check out my teleclass: Keeping Your Daughter Safe: What You Need To Know About What Girls are Doing Online.

 

Good Reads:

The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine

Grown Up Digital: How the New Generation is Changing your World. By Don Tapscott

 

 

Free Teleclass: Keeping Your Daughters Safe Online

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Teenage girls talking on cell phones

JOIN ME

June 10, 8pm

Hey Moms!

I will be doing a much needed teleseminar on what today’s teen girls are doing on their social networks and how to keep them safe.

It’s a brave new world out there.

One of the things I’ve noticed – no surprise to you, I’m sure – is that girls are pretty comfortable texting and posting thoughts, whims and photos, without really getting the possible consequences or the big picture of their digital footprints. They pretty much blurt out what they’re feeling in the moment. I have a great story about how one of my daughters told her whole twitter following: “I hate my mom.” You’ll have to hear my talk to get the whole scoop and other things I have discovered from other moms.

I’ve also learned that most moms (and dads) aren’t aware of their kids’ social network profiles (or how many they are on) or parents are simply too busy to check in on them. I get it.

Keeping Your Daughters Safe OnlineI’ve come to believe that most parents don’t fully appreciate how their tweens and teens are using social networks and why – especially girls. There are gender differences in how girls and boys use technology, and it’s in part about how girls are hardwired to bond and socialize at this stage. From discussions I know lots of moms are feeling disconnected. They are also missing a huge opportunity to have meaningful conversations with their daughters (and sons)not only about what they are exposed to online, but how to be responsible and respectful to each other, online and offline.

And really, who wants their kids to air their family and friends laundry on the modern digital stage?  But that’s what’s happening. Girls almost can’t help themselves.

Join me to learn some of the latest observations of how girls are connecting over their digital gadgets and what you can do about concerns that may come up for you. Tell your mom friends, too!

If you missed it you can listen

to the recording here:

Moxie Mom Coaching

What Your Kids See on Facebook Whether They Are Looking For It or Not

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As a mom of teenage girls I find myself more often than not sounding the alarms. I’m not a hysterical sort of person, either. Nor am I a bra-flinging feminist, although I like the image. Yet, it’s becoming ever more apparent as I’m raising girls that what our children are exposed to in their social media playgrounds is of grave concern.

I’m talking ads and images that glorify violence against women, ads that condone rape, and ads that make jokes about beating up women and girls. They are everywhere. (If you need examples visit Women, Action & The Media.)

Tween Hair Line 2 © J Cousineau

Now I want you to visualize something. Consider that one in four girls in US will be victims of sexual assault before the they graduate from college. One in four. This is a verified statistic. Globally, it’s up to one in seven in some countries (World Health Organization, 2012). Yes, 70%.

If it helps to bring this home, imagine this: If there are twelve girls on your daughter’s soccer team, or dance class, or choral group, FOUR of these lovely, darling young women will be victims of sexual violence. Or imagine four giggling tweens snuggled on your couch watching a movie and eating popcorn. Yes, one of them. Or, as in the photo above of my younger daughter and her chums, one or two of these sweet peas will be a victim. Most likely by a male and by someone they know. It’s hard to imagine.

I’m not an alarmist. No. I’m sharing some facts.

So that’s reality for our daughters and their girlfriends. And there’s the reality for those of you with sons, too. Do you know what our girls and boys are exposed to in the media? It’s grim. Consider that the average age of exposure to hardcore porn is 11. Is your heart beating faster now?

Take a deep breath.

Let’s be calm and pragmatic. When teens are in the vulnerable developmental phase of adolescence exposure to violent images can be insidious. While there’s not enough research yet on the impact of negative social media on the behavior of teenagers, it’s important to know what’s going in developmentally. Teens’ fragile brains are exploding with neural connections in a glorious process of fine-tuning that will lead them to become responsible and productive grown ups; their brains are marinating in sex hormones compelling them engage in various antics – grooming, showing off, taking “selfies” and posting their photos everywhere – in order to be the most attractive specimen in their little tribe. They are competing, comparing and sharing. They can’t help it. It’s in their biological blueprint. Of course, these coming of age behaviors are compounded by the teen brain’s frequent happiness surges, aka a “dopamine rush” – a real physiological high – from the fevered stimulation they get from being in the presence of their BFFs, or connecting instantly with hundreds (or even a thousand+) of their online “friends”, or texting on their coveted cell phones. (Parents, you are just too boring for them now.)

It’s a perfect storm. Maturational changes, biological drives, desperate need to be with friends, competing for social status, and sensation seeking – all being played out on the modern stage.

Moms, Dads, are you sitting in the audience of this adolescent theatre? Are you paying attention? Are you covering your eyes?  Or, like me, are you trying play catch-up? Do you think you’re kinda cool and pretty much on top of things?

You aren’t.

You never will be. Just like your parents were pretty clueless, so are we. We might be even more clueless because we come to the new digital age as grown-ups; our kids are born into it. We’re the immigrants; they are the natives.

But there is hope.

We can exert some influence. A lot, in fact. We can talk about what’s going on (See post about a conversation with my older daughter.) We can learn skills to have ongoing dialog and know what we are talking about. We can advocate for change. We have that power. Parents are the greatest influence in teenagers lives. Let’s get to them first before they are exposed to violent images, seek them out, or become numb to them.

Here’s what woke me up recently (again). This past week a letter to Facebook was posted on the Huffington posted by Soraya Chemaly, Jaclyn Freidman and Laura Bates, and co-signed by many respectable organizations.* The open letter demanded that Facebook take swift action address three things:

  1. Recognize speech that trivializes or glorifies violence against girls and women as hate speech and make a commitment that you will not tolerate this content.
  2. Effectively train moderators to recognize and remove gender-based hate speech.
  3. Effectively train moderators to understand how online harassment differently affects women and men, in part due to the real-world pandemic of violence against women.

“To this end, we are calling on Facebook users to contact advertisers whose ads on Facebook appear next to content that targets women for violence, to ask these companies to withdraw from advertising on Facebook until you take the above actions to ban gender-based hate speech on your site.”

Parents, “users” mean you. If your teen is on Facebook and you are not that is the first call to action. Sign-up. The second is to insist that you are part of your teen’s network, review privacy settings, and spot-check their postings and news feeds. Ideally, you will create a home social media policy for family members to follow. The third thing is to begin having conversations about the media, about your teen’s social networks, and about responsible use. (“Rinse and repeat” is the way to go with teenagers.)

You can also be a role model and show your teens that you care about what they are exposed to and care about how they present themselves in their digital footprints. The  current reality of the disparaging, violent sexual content in the media against girls and women – and what to do about it – are mindful conversations to be had with both girls and boys over and over again. You can also make your voice heard by demanding that Facebook and its advertisers (companies with products and services you use, like Amex, for instance) take “swift action to eradicate violent images” or remove their ads from the egregious FB pages. Or join me in an upcoming heart-to-heart teleclass geared to moms with teen girls.

Keepin Your Daughter Safe- Teleclass with Tara Cousineau PhD - image
Teleclass June 10, 8pm, with Dr. Tara

For parents who think one answer is to not allow your teen not be on Facebook, or any other social network, um, that won’t work well and not for long. Delaying their use of social networks can work up until about age 14 or freshman year high school. (The minimum age for Facebook is 13 years of age, anyway). Extreme parental control won’t solve any problems because social networks, like Instagram among middle and high schoolers, are the social currency of the day. They are here to stay. It’s part of teen life, college life, the workplace, cause marketing, and commerce. Plus, there are so many upsides to social media for connection, creativity and advocacy. Sooner or later your kids will grow into these networks and need to use them. Avoid a power struggle and collaborate instead.

Kindness toward others, respect, and responsible use of social networks is what is at stake, just like responsible driving of a car is once a teen has earned a driver’s license. But in the case of social networks, parents need to set up the terms in a thoughtful and constructive way. It’s never too late. Start now.

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*UPDATE May 29, 2013:  The open letter to Facebook was amazingly effective and Facebook is now changing it policies about violent content about women. Advocacy works! See story.

Tips & Resources for Parents:

An Arrow Through the Heart: The Merida Makeover

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“Why? Why would they do that?” Lamented my 13-year-old daughter.

Yes, it’s another sad Disney tale. You see, I showed her the Merida makeover. Merida is the gutsy girl in Brave with bow and arrow, who stands up to her parents with typical teen rants, challenges cultural traditions, and seeks great adventure. If you don’t know this Disney princess, she’s one of the few, who from the get go, shows gumption. She came as a relief to many moms, including myself, to have a female character with wit, confidence, self-reliance… and also empathy.

movies-princess-merida-before-after
(c) Disney/Pixar

I had been at my desk when Josie bobbed in from the school bus. I was looking at the before and after images of Merida that A Mighty Girl posted. A Mighty Girl did a mighty thing by creating a Change.org petition last week to challenge Disney’s leadership on their decision to glamorize Merida for her induction into the Princess Collection.  As of today – in a matter of days –  the petition solicited about 125,000 signatures.*

Josie peeked over my shoulder to take a closer look the makeover. She squinted, pulled her head back, leaned back in for scrutiny. “She’s looks ugly!” she exclaimed. “I want to sign the petition, too!”

Later, I read what Peggy Orenstein had to say on this latest Disney transgression, author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter.  She’s tired of it all.  Can’t blame her. So am I.  On her blog post she goes through the makeovers of the various Disney princesses and it’s not pretty.

But I’ve come to realize that the media and retail industries will simply be giving moms plenty of teachable moments with our daughters and sons when it comes to media literacy and how unrealistic beauty ideals in our culture affect us.

My husband is in the brand strategy business and I updated him at dinner on the Merida controversy. What is Disney thinking? His view was dispassionate. Having been an art director in NYC, traveled the unforgiving ranks to creative director only to become an entrepreneur and consultant, he painted the corporate picture for us.

“Somebody sent a memo to give Merida a makeover for an event or promotion. Some unsuspecting art director follows the instructions, offers some versions, sends the redesigns back up the line. A brand manager picks one set of  the new Merida he likes, and in a matter of seconds it’s a done deal.”  In other words, there was little thought to the meaning of the change (or the consequence), and there was certainly no checking in with FANS.  Like seriously? Don’t they know that we have a generation of empowered co-creators?!

Disney is trying to sell product. It’s as simple as that. But it seems they really need to take a hard look at their decisions, rash or otherwise. Disney lost their compass on this one.  Wasn’t the intent of Brave to offer a new story for girls? Let’s hope the petition to “Keep Merida Brave” changes their minds.

You’d think this could be a pretty useful case study for understanding your customer. But the likelihood that this would reach the Harvard Business School case studies is probably slim. Something like this is not going to put a dent in Disney stock or shift their corporate core values. But the sad truth is that many consumers are pretty numb to what they are being sold and many moms and dads might not even have noticed the Merida makeover once it hit packaging. After all, the Disney’s princesses start to look rather …similar.

MissRepresentation.org is trying to raise awareness of media limiting portrayal of girls and women, not only with their film but with their #NotBuyingIt twitter campaign and upcoming app. It will take grass roots efforts like A Mighty Girl and MissRep, and the cadre of girls empowerment initiatives, to not only raise awareness but to help consumers raise their voices.

Josie is just hitting that vulnerable place where looks matters so much (it’s 7th grade after all). In anticipation of her all-girls gymnastics banquet, the buzz the past month has been all about their dresses, hair and shoes. Of course, their outfits are then vetted by each other via Instragram. This is not about boys at all. They are glamming it up for a girls’ night out that will last about 3 hours where they dance themselves silly in bare feet.To avoid the potential tears if she doesn’t quite meet her mind’s eye on the day of the event, we practiced the hair-do last night with a curling wand… a contraption I have no experience with. It comes with a glove to avoid burning fingers. We figured it out with trial and error and she became pretty deft at it within an hour. Ironically, her hair looked just the new Merida.

In this makeover nation I asked Josie what if anything, in her opinion, Disney could change about the original Merida – even for the better.  Her answer:

Nothing.

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*UPDATE:  The Change.org campaign to Keep Merida Brave was a success in part. Disney will keep the original Merida on its website, but the fight is far from over.