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Clinical Psychologist, Kindness Warrior

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teenage girls

Today’s Teenage Girls: Angst-Ridden Changemakers

April 26, 2015 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

April Roadtrip © T Cousineau 2015

I spent the beginning of the week road tripping to colleges with my daughters, 15 and 17, and ended the week at the Women in the World Summit in NYC. When I listened to economist Noreena Hertz’s talk about “Generation K” and her recent survey research with thousand teen girls ages 13-20, I thought: “Wow. You know my girls.” She could have just as easily been in the back seat of our car. Chatting. Texting. Napping. Taking selfies.

Of course, Generation K refers to Katniss Everdeen, the heroine in The Hunger Games series. Here is a cohort of girls coming of age in full immersion with technology; who are experiencing the effects of a major economic recession during their childhood; in a world where terrorism has no boundaries. That pretty much sums up the book series.

In Hertz’s words: “For Generation K, the world is a dystopian nightmare.” She portrays our teen girls as super anxious. I would also add to this a companion legion of overly anxious, hovering and controlling parents. And who can blame them?

One observation is how this generation communicates. According to Hertz, they relate to the world through images and symbols and smartphones. For a typical girl today, identity is largely influenced by the technology she consumes. Hertz notes that for a girl it’s more like “I connect, therefore I am.”

(See video clip of the #WITW interview with Noreen Hertz.)

Any parent of a teenager knows this to be true. On this trip we easily exceeded our family mobile data limit no matter how much I said, “Look outside!” They may take selfies but they are not selfish, said Hertz. Yet, Hertz’s observation of the importance of visuals for these young women made me wonder just how the deluge of photos, videos, sound bites and emoticons affects their brains? The human brain doesn’t know the difference between a live event and an image on a screen. No wonder this generation is angst ridden given the relentless news cycles of dramas and disasters.

What do my girls worry about as they come of age? I thought about this and their concerns map what Hertz found in her research.

Future: Getting a job, making a difference and doing the right thing. My girls, like so many young people, want to make an impact, but worry that the chances may not be in their favor.

Finances: It hadn’t occurred to me the extent of my daughter’s concerns. Of all the things to chat about with a prospective college coach – favorite position, team records, love of the game, GPA or majors – the one question Sophie asked was about tuition: “Is there scholarship money left?” It made my heart sink. Later, she said she doesn’t want to be strapped with college debt; she is already anticipating the burden she will bear.

Existence: They worry about the world: planet and people. Josie was stunned driving through New Jersey. “What is this place? It’s like out of some movie.” Like the precincts in the Hunger Games maybe? Jersey came first, dear. (To be fair driving on Interstate 95 is not a balanced view of the state, but still.)

Terrorism: It’s both sad and true. Over the course of their young adolescence – I’m talking between the ages of 12 and 15 – shocking events took place: the mass shooting of school children and teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut, which is just next to the small town where I grew up; the mass shooting in the Aurora movie theater full of Batman fans; and of course, the Boston Marathon bombings. Indeed, two years ago our city was in a lock down over spring break.

Katniss_hugs_Prim_in_new_still_from_The_Hunger_Games__Catching_Fire

Fast forward. Just two weeks ago their high school was in a lock down in response to a young man carrying a gun. The track team girls barricaded themselves in with lacrosse sticks through door handles. For two hours the girls’ teams were in a dark locker room because they are trained to turn off the lights during a lock down. Josie didn’t appreciate the “not knowing” since there was no cell phone reception on the lower level of the school; nor did she tolerate the “nasty BO” of the girl she was squashed against.

When she retold the experience later in the evening she was very articulate about all the thoughts that went through her mind: about death, not saying “I love you” enough, and never going to bed feeling angry. She was shook up. She also regretted asking her dad earlier in the week: “What would it feel like to be shot?” This question was in response to the all too frequent news videos showing cops killing black men. And in the human way we all want to make sense out of senseless things, Josie’s magical thinking was that maybe if she didn’t ask the question there wouldn’t have been an actual person carrying a gun at her school.

Sophie, her older sister, who luckily was not at school, commented on how well trained they are with lock down drills. She’s a student leader. “Now they tell us to fight back,” she reported. “When students and teachers fight an intruder it lowers the number of casualties.”

Like, seriously? We live in the suburbs. No matter. No place is safe. This is what today’s kids are growing up with. More news access, more visuals and a heightened awareness of the randomness of the world. Random acts of violence and random acts of kindness.

What does this generation value? According to the Hertz survey, our anxious teen girls also value being unique, the most frequent word used by the girls. They also value diversity and co-existing in a fair and just world.

Fortunately for mom, Sophie and Josie are still typical teen girls. The road trip included shopping for flip-flops and trying on prom dresses. They didn’t fight for five days. Sometimes it takes getting out of your own environment to recalibrate.

I wish I had brought them to the Women In The World summit. Amazing women and inspiring girls from all over the world were present. At this very moment these female role models are overcoming adversity and making tangible changes. Hearing their stories reminds me just how crucial it is to take a stand, be creative and lead with generosity and compassion. Anything is possible.

Ms. Hertz ended on a somewhat hopeful note. Digging into her surveys stats and individual interviews with 25 teens revealed that these girls will not tolerate inequality – in opportunity or pay. They may be fearful, but they are also feisty. They are thinking ahead about career and family (35% say they don’t want or are not sure if they want children). They are pragmatic. It will be interesting to see how this generation’s emerging values will bear out over time and just how that might affect our future: political, economic and demographic.

The summit ended with a last-minute guest appearance of Angelina Jolie, special ambassador to the United Nations. She just testified at a UN hearing about Syria, the greatest humanitarian disaster of our day displacing four million people, primarily women and children. Of course, I texted my girls:

Me: Angelina Jolie Pitt speaking now… (photo)

S: Take a picture with her

J: ^^^

 A few minutes later…

Me:  She’s off stage … program is over.

S: GO FIND HER

J:  MOM

THIS IS ONCE IN A LIFE TIME

They were screaming at me to seek out Jolie. Well, there is always next year. In the meantime there are lots of ways to make the world a better place. Go girls.

 * * *

A version of this post was published at HuffPost Parents.

Resources: 

Women In the World Summit 2015

Noreena Hertz website and book, Eyes Wide Open

 

Image credit: The Hunger Games | Feminist Fiction http://buff.ly/1DNvDxd

Filed Under: Courage, Inspirations, Mothers & Daughters, Role Models, Teenagers Tagged With: coming of age, Generation K, Katniss, selfless, technology, teenage girls, Women In the World

Mums the Word On Safe Sex? Enter Plan B For Teenage Girls

May 3, 2013 by Pat Cousineau Leave a Comment

Teen Girls (c) Dreamstime

I support access to emergency contraception for teenage girls.

So be it that the contentious discourse about birth control continues. But as of this month, at least one morning after pill is now available over the counter to teen girls as young as 15, provided they show an ID with their age.

As far as I can tell the scientific research shows that a morning after pill has no effect on pregnancy rates. Nor is there evidence that teens put themselves at more risk knowing there’s a possible “out” when it comes to unprotected sex. What access to Plan B gives is another option in the reproductive health tool kit. Those folks who say it’s an abortion pill aren’t reading the science on how it works and maybe they don’t even know how female reproductive organs function. Just sayin’.

Over the counter morning after pills also allow for easier access in the event of sexual assault or if a condom breaks.  Any teen or parent hopes that neither situation happens. So maybe it’s time for a chat.  Better late than never. After all, appropriate parental involvement is a protective factor for the wellbeing of teens.

But when it comes to talking about sex, many parents just cop out.

Parents as Prevention

Health prevention education works.  We know it works because teen pregnancy rates in the US have consistently dropped over the years and more teens postpone intercourse, with the average age of first intercourse at 17. Research that looks at the type of sexual health education offered shows that states with comprehensive sex education have lower pregnancy rates than states that support abstinence-only education.

The discussion that is not taking place is the one between parents and their teens, no matter what one’s point of view about sexual health. We can’t rely on schools. The standards for sex ed are meager and inconsistent.  Actually, they are pretty pathetic. Sex ed, if you can even call it that, occurs twice in the K through 12 years. The first birds and the bees chat happens, typically, in the spring of 5th grade.  The second discussion is about four years later in 9th grade biology class when teachers discuss human physiological systems. No wonder middle school remains the landmine of emotional drama. Teens are left to figure things out on their own.

All the other sex education comes via friends, social media and a few billboards. It’s a rare school or program that offers a course in Human Sexuality.

I always like to go to the source when it comes to discussion about teen sex ed: teenagers. I did this today given the recent news of the “Plan B” product approval with the purchase ability by 15-year-old teenagers.

Being stuck as the reluctant carpool driver this week to bring a bunch of, yes, 15-year-old girls, to soccer practice in the middle of nowhere, I had a good hour to ask questions of this captive audience. My daughter was mortified. Frankly, she’s used to this by now.  Her friends were more than accommodating to chat it up.

Q: Do you girls know what Plan B is?

All:   Plan B?

Soccer Mom:  Yes, the morning after pill.

All:  Ooohhhhh….. Yeah.

Soccer Mom:   Under what circumstances would a girl use it?

A pregnant pause as it were.

Girl 1:  Well, if a condom broke I guess.

Girl 2:   Or if a girl was raped.

Soccer Mom:  Knowing that a girl your age could go to the drug store and buy it by showing an ID, do you think that this birth control option will change how teens think about sex?

Girl 3:  What do you mean, like have unprotected sex?

I was trying not to lead them, so I’m sure I sounded vague.

Soccer Mom:   Ok, sure.

All:    Nooooooo.

Soccer Mom:  Ok, you’re saying that because I’m a parent you know. But really I’m just doing a dispassionate focus group here. On the issue of emergency birth control what does the morning after pill NOT do?

Girls 1 & 2:  Stop STDS!!!

They shouted in unison. Go Ms. G, biology teacher.

Soccer Mom:  Let me ask another question.

Girl 1:  Mommmmmm…..

Soccer Mom:  Let me ask you experts in the back seat.

Q. Would you have a conversation with your mom about contraception or safe sex? 

Girl 3:  Never.  If I even started to ask about it, my mother wouldn’t let me out of the house for a year.

Soccer Mom:  You mean your mother wouldn’t be open to having a “talk” with you?

Girl 3:  Well, she might talk at me about it.  But the only reason I would ever ask my mom about the morning after pill is if I were, like, raped.

All:   WHAT???

The whole mini van shook.

Soccer Mom:  You mean that the only way you and your mom could talk about it, you’re saying, is if there was a crisis, where something bad happened to you?

Girl 3:  Basically. She won’t even let me be on birth control for my acne.

Soccer Mom:   Ok, I get where you’re coming from. What about you?

Girl 2:   Well, talking to my mom about sex would be awkward.  I don’t think we’ve ever had the talk.  But I have my older sister.  She’s not much older, though. Not sure what she’d say, really. Nothing helpful!

Girl 1:   Mom, did we ever have a talk? I can’t remember.

Interesting.

Soccer Mom:  Well, sort of. We did the whole shopping down the feminine supply aisle. I still get on your case about being a good role model for your younger sister on the girls stuff, and using the period tracker app…. and we signed you up to participate in the Our Whole Lives program last year unless you blocked it out of your  memory bank.

Girl 2:  (laughing) Oh, was that your sex ed program?

Girl 1:  Oh god, it was 26 weeks. I missed one class the whole year.  And, let me just say, ok, it covered EVERYTHING.

Soccer Mom:   The rides home after class were a fairly lively, if I recall. That was sort of like “the talk” or maybe lots of mini-talks. More like the talk-after-someone-else-did-the-talk. Took the pressure off me and Dad a bit.  But maybe we need to revisit some things…

Girl 1:  No thanks.

Q:  What if there was someone else in the friend and family circle, like an aunt or former baby sitter, or a friend’s mom that you could talk to in confidence?

Girl 3:  Nope. My mom would find out from her best friend, and whatever she dug up, she might not ever say anything to me. But she’d still lock me up for a year.

More laughter.

Girl 2:  I like talking to my mom about most things; we just never have talked about this. I guess I’d talk to another cool mom, but I think she’d tell my mom anyway.

Girl 1:   Mom, seriously, if I talked to [our old babysitter] that would be really awkward.

I thought about some of my teen clients. Some will readily inform me about the latest on teen life, tell me what hooking up means to them, or confide that they are planning to lose their virginity at prom. They are my source.  None would share these thoughts with their mothers. So I’ve gotta believe my daughters won’t be much different. It won’t be for a lack of my openness. 

Soccer Mom:  OK, but let’s just say that moms got together and made a pact that each of you could go to another mother – like a “mentor” mom – to talk to when things got sticky. You know… on whatever: stress, school, boys, sex, or drinking. But the only reason your “confidentiality” would be broken – that your mom would find something out – is if the “mentor” mom thought you might be in danger, physically or emotionally.

Q: Would you reach out to another mom or family friend? 

All:   Maybe…

Soccer Mom:  Here’s the thing. Your moms all want you to be safe and sound.  The last thing they want is for you to get pregnant unintentionally or raped.  Right? That’s a bottom line. Don’t you think they’d much rather have you feel comfortable and open to conversation, if not with them, then with someone else? I know I would be relieved to know there is another mom or trusted person you could confide in. Seriously.

All:   I don’t know. Yah. Ok. Maybe. That’s weird.

Soccer Mom:   What you all seem to be saying is that whether you have a good or close relationship with your moms – or not – you wouldn’t even think about discussing birth control or sex. That only in the most dramatic, worse case scenario would you confide in your moms!  Don’t you think there could be an easier way?

* * *

We arrived at the soccer field.  They all gathered their gear, water bottles, and lumbered out of the van. Vibrant souls. Open yet closed. Venturing out into the world of grown ups… somehow thinking they escaped my questions until the ride home. Maybe they were thinking that one way or another they’ll figure things out for themselves.

I thought to myself:  These three girls have pretty savvy moms. Well-educated, fairly involved, more or less easy to talk to.  They have health care and access to health education.  In their young minds it would be worse to admit to sex or wanting to have a plan for safe sex – for fear of punishment or disappointment or embarrassment – than to risk their connection to their moms. When it comes to sex, mums the word. 

It’s time to change the dialog.  It starts with you.

* * *

Resources: Talking About Sex: List of Books

Filed Under: Mothers & Daughters, Rants & Raves, Teenagers Tagged With: contraception, Daughters, mentor, moms, mother, Plan B, safe sex, talk, teenage girls

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