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Tara Cousineau, PhD

Clinical Psychologist, Kindness Warrior

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Pretty Pleasers and the Power of No

June 2, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

 

Small Girl with Laptop 123rf 8606285_s

 

Before she left my office the young woman exclaimed,

I’m getting better at the self-compassion part, but I need to work on the people pleasing part!”

I meet lot of pretty pleasers in my work. I’m a recovering one myself.

As a group we are also perfectionists and pride ourselves on a strong work ethic, high standards for quality, and a willingness to help others. We are do-gooders.

Yet, here’s what I see in the young women who seek me out. They have cultivated a sense of worthiness primarily from their achievements, often reinforced by good grades and recognition by teachers, parents and coaches. Their self-esteem rests on the judgment of others. For the most part, the judgments handed down have been positive, even if fraught with anxiety to perform. It’s been motivational for them to a degree. For the most part these girls are inspired by the potential end result of their hard work. They experience a physiological “high,” or dopamine hit, when they’ve done well or get recognized. This achievement-orientation becomes a behavior pattern; it usually starts early in childhood and it can be addictive. It can also be at the expense of feeling joy or finding meaning in the effort put into the work.

Then these young women get in the wider world and are smack against the harsher truths of sloppy roommates, manipulative boyfriends and mean bosses (not to mention maturing bodies, and the challenge of self-care without the nurture or structure of a home or campus). Things don’t go as expected. It’s a shock to the system. All of a sudden these women wonder, “What did I do wrong? Nothing I do seems to make a difference.”

I worry about this with my daughters. This week I sat in one of those trying athletic award banquets, honoring every sport team and the student athletes who have earned their varsity letter or other special awards for exceptional grades and athletic records. It’s very all-American and lasts for hours. On the one hand, it is amazing to see the students’ devotion to sports and teamwork, which can be a boost to any young person’s self-esteem with the right coach and conditions.

On other hand, I know that less than 5% of these kids will ever play a college sport, and I worry that the skills one would hope to transfer to other areas of life – such as team spirit, commitment, and leadership – have a greater sticking power over the need for top ranking, records and wins. My daughter was disappointed that she, a mere sophomore, wasn’t called out for the same statewide achievement as a graduating senior on her team had been. I reminded her that she knows what she accomplished and the effort she put in, and that’s what counts. Yet the oversight by her coach was a wound none-the-less.

Then another young woman asked me this week, “Why do I care so much what other people think?”  Yet another said, “I just can’t say No to people. I just feel too guilty.” I found myself giving a little tutorials on our culture of performance and perfectionism. In fact, I now hand out photocopies of Brené Brown’s wonderful delineation of the difference between striving for excellence and perfectionism. I want these women to walk away with it and tape it to their mirrors or fridge doors. I believe my girls (my collective girls, which include my daughters and my clients), need constant reminders about the difference. Here is the quote for my readers to print out if you don’t have Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection (paperback page 56):

Perfectionism is not the same things as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that really prevents us from taking flight.

And the part that really hits home on the subject…

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at is core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?”

This week I also had three clients (yes, 3 in one afternoon!) lament about situations where they felt powerless, misunderstood or fearful they might be rejected. They have a terrible time saying “no“ to people. One later emailed me in an “emergency ” for tips on how to make “graceful exit.” These women have the Please-Perform-Perfect virus. It is culturally contagious.They are not alone.  So now we practice saying “no.” Out loud.

No, thank you.

No, not this time. Sorry!

No, I just don’t have the bandwidth right now.

No, I can’t stay late tonight.

I can’t go, but thanks for thinking of me.

No, this is out of my area. We need more help.

No, I’ll take a cab, thanks!

No, I need my downtime this weekend. Another time.

No, that’s not my style.

No. We can agree to disagree on this.

Try it for yourself in front of a mirror. Out loud.

Of this whole list, the first little two-letter word is the hardest. No. Instead, these young women get caught up in explanations and excuses. Sometimes they concoct elaborate fibs to avoid disappointing others. It makes everything worse because then they feel like frauds. Then they get mad for feeling fake because that’s not who they are deep down.

The simple expression of “No” can be debilitating, indeed. So then we work on other ways to say “No” without the long twisted excuses. Pretty pleasers need to practice acknowledging their limits and to state their needs with the fewest amount of words.

Setting boundaries is one of the most difficult things any person can do. We hear enough no’s growing up. No, don’t’ do this or that. No, you’ll get hurt. No, that’s not right. No, you didn’t make the team. We cringe from the word No. (The intense physiological reactivity to hearing the word “No” has been shown on brain scans, too.)

When my lovely young client said she’s better now at self-compassion, what she meant was she was more mindful of her self-critic and being kind to herself when she finds herself beating herself up. That she recognizes her need to work on the people pleasing part is in fact a result of her new awareness. She’s ready to move through her vulnerability and fear of disappointing others when she says no. Here’s her next lesson: Setting a boundary IS an act of self-compassion.

It’s just a new kind of practice.

Filed Under: Compassion, Courage, Inspirations, Self-Compassion Tagged With: anxiety, over achiever, perfectionist, performance, Self-Compassion, women

B. Bossy. Barbie. Bothered.

April 1, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Poppies and Bumble Bees 123RF Stock Photo

Like Goldilocks, nothing is fitting just right for me. Or like silly Winnie the Pooh, I just feel like saying:

Oh bother.

It started with the bothersome news that Mattel and the Girls Scouts of the USA teamed up on a career Barbie doll promotion.  Ostensibly, this deal was about an online Barbie game, showing all the wonderful and smart careers a girl could have while wearing mini-skirts and high heels. It seems like an uncomfortable arrangement. But  $2M is $2M, and the GS needed it, no doubt. It’s a changing world and they need to stay relevant. I’m all for collaborations that makes sense, but this one just doesn’t feel right to me. And the “Do Anything, Be Anything” patch with the Barbie insignia for Daisies and Brownies? Mere 1st through 3rdgraders? That crossed the line for me.  I’m siding with the folks who want GS to end their relationship with Mattel. The Girls Scouts could do so much better.

It doesn’t help that a small study was recently published suggesting that girls who are exposed to a Barbie doll  – compared to girls exposed to a Mrs. Potato Head doll  – may have limited views of potential careers for girls relative to careers for boys.  Had the study been published earlier, maybe the GS would have thought twice about hopping into bed with Mattel. Goldilocks, I feel your pain.

Oh bother.

Then we have LeanIn.org’s #BanBossy campaign (also in partnership with the Girl Scouts, by the way). I have many friends and female entrepreneurs colleagues who love Sheryl Sandberg’s campaign. These are highly motivated women who persevere and demonstrate true grit in starting their own businesses. Empowered women are bossy. They have to be. They may have had their share of bossy (aka bitchy) comments over a lifetime. And yes, the word can be condescending, interfere with job promotions, and thwart fundraising. I get it. We’ve been told that a woman who is capable in her role is often perceived as being bossy, whereas her male counterpart is seen as an inspired leader. It’s also been reported that less than 5% of women entrepreneurs succeed in securing venture capital. This is part, because they go it alone and don’t bring along their football pals to fill the C-level positions. (I hear this on the street.) But let me tell you, smart and sweet doesn’t get women very far either. That might be interpreted as sassy.  Shall we ban that word, too?

I work with girls and young women who could use a good dose of bossy. Be bossy! I want them to ignite their inner CEO, find meaningful work, and do what they stand for. My favorite commentary on the #BanBossy brouhaha is from Keli Goff at the Daily Beast.  Her take is personal.

The bottom line is worrying about a word is a luxury that only kids who are already growing up with a host of advantages can afford. If Sandberg wants to make a real difference, she should put her money where her mouth is and come up with solutions that will insure more equality for girls who have more pressing concerns beyond banning bossy.

Right on. I was raised by a single mother and we had our share of struggles. #BanBossy just doesn’t resonate for me in the least (nor does “lean in.”) The whole campaign makes me feel like I’m supposed to “fit in” with the smart girls. It’s all rather cliquey. I guess I’m just not feelin’ it.

Oh bother.

But you can’t talk about #BanBossy without also talking about the Pantene ad that may have inspired Sandberg’s new initiative. A Pantene ad called “Labels Against Women” went viral in the Philippines last winter (video). It spotlights sexism in the workplace. When Sandberg caught wind of it and endorsed it, P&G, the parent company, quickly disseminated it in the US.  LeanIn.org partnered with Pantene in the #BanBossy initiative. It’s all very cozy.

As it is, Pantene created a very compelling ad. The last I checked there were 46 million views on YouTube. Their hashtag, #ShineStrong, has a more hopeful and upbeat message than #BanBossy.  I might even buy the product for my teen daughters when it goes on sale at the grocery store. (The whole end game for P&G.) My girls are killing their lovely long strands with flat irons as it is. But I’ll never be a Pantene loyalist, either.

Oh bother.

I ponder instead. Who seems to be getting it right?

I have The Representation Project to thank. They have an online campaign to raise awareness of sexism in the media. #NotBuyingIt encourages people to take action and engage in a public conversation. They also have #MediaWeLike to spotlight media that empowers women/girls and boys/men. At its core, this is excellent media literacy. After all, media as a communication channel is neither good nor bad. It just depends on how it is being used. So let’s use it for the greater good.

The greater good.  What of late has inspired me in the arena of women’s empowerment?  A guy named Nikolay Lamm, that’s who. Last year he created 3-D rendition of what a fashion doll (ok, Barbie) would like look like if she was based on an average 19-year-old woman. He asked:  “What if fashion dolls were made using standard human body proportions?” The public loved it.  Lamm recently went for crowd funding and raised almost a half a million dollars to manufacture the “Lammily” doll. His campaign title? Average is Beautiful.  What’s not to love?

Rather than waiting for toy companies to change their designs, let’s change them ourselves by creating a fashion doll that promotes realistic beauty standards.

Lammily Doll (c) 2014 Nicklay LammProduct. Message. Movement.  This guy gets it. I pre-ordered two dolls in honor of my daughters. Although they will be too old to play with a Lammily doll by the time it’s manufactured, the purchase is symbolic. Maybe the doll will go to college with them as a reminder from Mom that they are beautiful just they way they are.

Yes, the Lammily doll. Now here’s an initiative that the Girl Scouts of the US should just jump at even if it involves no funding. It’s a credibility issue. Plus, moms of up-and-coming Daisies, Brownies and Scouts will care. They all start selling cookies like mad. And a Lammily patch?  Now that is something to consider.

I was a Girl Scout once.  We made our own revolutionary outfits for the ’76 bicentennial parade in town, donning our green sashes covered with badges. It felt like something bigger than myself. Opportunity was in the air. I wish my girls had been Scouts. But Title IX came long and they are fiendish athletes now. I’m not totally happy about the exclusivity that sports play in their lives, but they get in their social action whenever possible. I try to reframe the non-GS track in this way:  maybe my daughters will bring along their soccer pals when they pitch for venture funding in another 10 years.  But even without handing down the baton of the GS experience to my girls, the organization is making some good choices.

The Girl Guides in the UK just teamed up with Dove’s Self Esteem Project*, which is part of DOVE/Unilever –another beauty brand. The initiative includes a body image curriculum for girls and a “Free Being Me” patch to promote body confidence. It’s starting up in the US, too, among the Girls Scouts, and I hope it will prove more successful and fitting than the Mattel partnership. (Lammily would make a great body confidence mascot by the way.)

I love these kinds of initiatives. It engages girls on a positive level, not a defensive one. It speaks to one’s best self. I can’t help to recall the Free to Be You and Me series with Marlo Thomas and Friends. Oh, how I looked up to Marlo. Her show and catchy tunes had timeless messages for all kids to behold. (This was a project with the Ms. Foundation for Women back in the 1970s, equal rights and all.) The idea was that a girl or boy could be anything they want to be; that all humans are connected (depicted by the song, Sister and Brothers), and it is ok to feel things deep down. Remember Rosie Grier, the football player, singing “It’s Alright to Cry”?  It seems so retro and radical.  And essential.

Ok, I know this rant totally dates me. But it helps to have bit of a lifetime perspective given the bumbling Bs of recent months. Am I right?

Oh bother.

 

* * *

*Disclosure.  I am an expert global advisor to the Dove Self Esteem Project, which has a social mission to improve body confidence in girls. I provide expertise on evidence-based content and curriculum development to support educational initiatives on self-esteem and positive body image in girls. My participation on the Dove Self-Esteem Project advisory board is not an endorsement the DOVE products. The opinions stated on my blog/website are my own.

Filed Under: Inspirations, Rants & Raves, Self-Esteem, Social Media Tagged With: Barbie, body image, CEO, confidence, doll, Empowerment, equality, Girl Scouts, girls, literacy, media, women

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