Balance

The Essentiality of Creating Ritual

December 13, 2019 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Do not feel lonely. The entire universe is inside you. ⁓ Rumi

In times when the world feels fragmented and distracted, and fears of scarcity abound, and authentic connection is short-circuited by social media with its ratings and social comparison, it’s no wonder we crave some kind of reprieve. A safe space. Some sense of meaning. Inner peace.

A young woman I met recently found herself out of sorts and dislocated, not sure how to find her footing in life after a series of disappointments and is faced with the uncertainty of her future. I could write this description about any number of people with whom I cross paths. I could write this lament about myself. If there is any certainty in life, it’s that life is always in flux, ever changing.

I wondered aloud with her about what has brought contentment to her life in the past. It turned out that it was going to church. Church was something she no longer had time for, and truth be told, it felt scary now that she was in a new city and had to make the effort to make new friends. Faith was important to her, she said. Connection to God was affirming.

It’s a time of year where such longing can cut deep. The emptiness she was feeling appeared to be an absence of something sacred. Some solace. A ritual. Like advent. Or lighting candles. Singing. Prayer. Community.

We are wired to seek comfort, to have a sense of connection to each other as well as to something greater than ourselves. So we create ritual. Sacred rituals meet the essential human needs for safety, love, and belonging. Of course, rituals can serve to harm as much as heal. Yet, when the intention is a caring one, rituals can assuage dark nights of the soul, mark happy occasions, and create lasting bonds.

The word ritual is derived from the latin word ritualis and ritus, meaning rite. A ritual is “an established form for a ceremony” according to one definition and is a feature of all human societies. But ritual can be more than ceremony. It can be a constant reminder. It serves as an acknowledgement of something valued or treasured. The synonyms include: custom, fashion, habit, pattern, practice, second nature, and trick. I like the notion of creating ritual as a kind of cultivation, as in planting seeds and reaping a harvest.

And I quite like the paradox in the word “trick”, meaning the presence of a characteristic or trait, and also the ability to outwit, deceive, or mystify.

In a way, this young woman I met needed to find renewal and a felt sense of connection. Short of getting herself to a church service which she didn’t foresee until a holiday trip to visit family, I invited her to think about creating a short and sweet ritual in her own space. In this way she can both build a habit while tricking herself into taking in the good. The intention is to outwit her wily mind, which is easily thwarted by a negativity bias, overthinking, and inner gremlins. In essence she can cultivate meaning, connection and presence within herself by outwitting her fears.

10 ways to create a ritual nook at home

It’s time to get creative. Keep it simple. Allow your sacred space to grow over time. Get to know it as it gets to know you.

Find a comfy quiet spot in your home or your room where there is enough space to stand or sit or meditate.
Stack some pillows, find a shawl, or have a comfy chair to sit in.
Use a windowsill, table or shelf as an altar.
Collect a few meaningful objects that evoke serenity and calm. For example, a candle, feathers, crystals, rocks or shells from a favorite vacation or nature spot, or book of poems or spiritual readings.
Find a small vase for a fresh flower.
Add a spiritual relic such as prayer beads, small statues, or an oracle or affirmation card.
Consider having a photo of yourself as a very small child, for example one that brings a smile to your face, and conjures up warm feelings of care, tenderness, and protection. Or perhaps you may prefer a photo of a loved one or mentor that brings to mind courage, grit, peace, or resilience.
Use a small portable speaker to play a song from a comforting playlist or have ear buds handy to listen to soothing music.
Have a journal or note pad handy to write down thoughts and feelings.
Refresh with a bottle of water.

You may even want to grab one of those “Do Not Disturb” door signs the next time you travel or create one for the door, if there is one. Tiny details matter.

My young friend liked this idea. Even if her day is so busy and there is no time to sit for 20 minutes, simply standing for a few moments and taking a nourishing deep breath or two in this sacred space can be inspiring. She can wave, motion a high five, blow a kiss, or wink at the altar, as if the very presence of it is just like seeing a dear friend. She can carry a rock in her pocket. These gestures can trigger the feel good hormones in the brain and shift the mindset toward a pleasant and optimistic orientation.

Think about this for yourself. Are you ever thrown off kilter by life or by a negative headspin? Can you trust your wise self to be there for you every step of the way? The trick just may be in creating a daily ritual. Just for yourself. In a nook in your home. Your safe place.

Claim it.

Photo by 五玄土 ORIENTO on Unsplash
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Lead with Love

August 1, 2019 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

There’s a funny thing that happens when you start walking the kindness talk. People seem to crave it. Recently, I’ve been asked to speak at various companies and organizations — from accounting companies to human services, from high net worth investment firms to public schools. What’s the common denominator? I’d like to think this trend is about how we each can be more of the human we want to be: caring, wholehearted and generous. That’s part of it, of course. That’s the bright side of such a talk. But underneath is a deep need to understand what gets in the way. That’s the shadow side.

We need to become friends with the shadow side.

This is easier than you might think. The dark side of corporate culture reveals itself in the face of fear and threat — meeting deadlines, KPIs, profits, career advancement, and all the usual suspects that arise when real or imagined survival is at stake — at the expense of human connection and compassion.

The paradox at the heart of this matter is that it’s okay to be competitive AND cooperative at the same time. It’s more than okay. It’s necessary. It requires awareness in how humans respond to the world, through three emotion motivational systems espoused by the British compassion researcher and psychologist Paul Gilbert. I wrote about it in The Kindness Cure in chapter 10 (Emotional Paradox).

The paradoxes you can experience in your own mind are clashes between the “old brain/mind” and the “new brain/mind.” Your “old brain/mind” is the “base model” of human emotional regulation and hasn’t changed much over millennia. Its job is to serve your basic survival instincts as soon as possible and to seek out pleasure and comfort. It is speedy and reactive. The three main emotion regulation systems operating within it are:

• A threat and self-protection system (red) that senses threats quickly and activates the fight- flight-freeze- faint response in your limbic system. This is like your home surveillance system.

• An incentive and resource-seeking system (blue) that propels you to seek pleasure, consume, play, strive/achieve, and mate. It’s like an Energizer Bunny scurrying about, looking for fun or success in life.

• A soothing and contentment system (green) that seeks balance, rest, and connection, and is strongly linked to affection, bonding, caregiving, kindness, and compassion. This is the calm and connect system, and it is a bit slower to come online, but when it does, it gives you a sense of overall wellbeing—like a baby’s snuggly or a rocking chair.

Your “new brain/mind” developed later in human evolution. It’s really smart. The newer model is more complex and allows you to work things through, compare, contemplate, mull things over, create, innovate, imagine, seek knowledge, strive for goals, and develop an identity. This allows for quick learning, exchanging information from among groups, and passing on these adaptive genes to future generations. Importantly, this sophisticated upgrade allows you to be aware that you exist and have a sense of self. Thanks to your “new brain/mind,” you can be aware of your awareness, unlike any other animal, and observe your own mind. This is, of course, both a blessing and a curse.

When your “new brain/mind” is pulled by the fears and passions of the “old brain/mind,” you can get stuck in unkind behaviors (toward yourself or others). This is the unfortunate bug in the system, so to speak.

Workplace Woes, Compassionate Action

This came up in a recent conversation. I was a guest on a podcast summit created by Mari-Lyn Harris, founder of Heart@Work, who I met via Linked In through what I call kindness spotters. (We kindness warriors just find each other.)

Mari-Lyn has been figuring out ways to share the news about leading with kindness, to assist leaders in cultivating better productivity, profits and a happier workplace culture. She created a Virtual Kindness Conference and you can watch it (it’s free). The interviews include short and sweet conversations with experts about workplace culture. You can watch the interviews at Heart@Work or on YouTube. I talk about befriending the inner critic at work and gathering positivity allies to counteract the negativity that even one nasty person can evoke. It takes commitment. Of course, it helps when leadership/management adopts and embodies the values of caring and compassion as integral to company goals, even if you are selling widgets or crunching numbers. You might enjoy the series and have something you would like to offer to an ongoing conversation on kind leadership.

Here’s to growing a kind mind.

21 Days of Kindfulness: Get daily notes to your inbox for just three weeks — which is about the time it takes for a new habit to take root. I invite you to kickstart kindness in your life and share with a friend. It’s free.

A Little Deck of Kindfulness: The card deck is here! (See the sample image above). Cultivate more kindness and compassion for oneself and for others. Order now! (in continental USA).

Kinder Workplaces? A Hard Sell (But Better for the Bottom Line)

May 22, 2018 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Truth be told, kindness is a good prescription for a life well lived. Kind actions and a compassionate attitude bode well for both physical and mental health. And let’s face it: We might try to be kinder than we think we are — especially at work.

Why? For one, according the Global Happiness Policy Report 2018, the majority of people are miserable at their jobs even if they say they’re happy to have one. Two, we spend over 30% of our lives working. Might as well try to enjoy it, right? Third, when we behave in kind ways, the positivity that arises spreads to others. It’s just like that old 1970s bumper sticker: Kindness is contagious.

Yet, the topic of kindness can be a non-starter for most businesses and HR executives. Many organizations operate on the principles for survival, namely finding self-serving ways to get ahead and stay ahead. In spite of the billions spent in workplace wellness and leadership training, something isn’t sticking very well. It may be that we’ve been conditioned by entrenched beliefs that it’s a dog-eat-dog world. We don’t truly recognize that thriving, instead of surviving, is the key to success. Charles Darwin, after all, observed that we have a stronger instinct for caring and cooperation than for trampling over one another. It just didn’t make the headlines. Thriving means taking care of each other by focusing on wellbeing and cultivating resilience in our relationships — whether in family, at work, or in the greater community. After all that’s how the human species continues to survive.

We’ve just got things a bit mixed up in our heads.

For the skeptic out there, here’s a workplace study that was conducted at Coca Cola Iberia in Madrid, Spain. The researchers randomly assigned over 100 employees into three different groups and the employees weren’t aware of their assignment to the groups or the true purpose of the study. The employees were assigned to be Givers, Receivers, or be in a Control (people who don’t do anything).

The Givers practiced five acts of ordinary kindness a day from a specific list ideas of kind gestures (see below). This was not about flowers, balloons and cake. The Givers could choose when to do the kind acts, and for whom from a list of fellow employees assigned (unbeknownst to them) as Receivers. The Givers did this for four weeks. Examples of the kind activities included:

Bringing someone a beverage
Cheering up a coworker who seems to be having a bad day
Speaking up on the behalf of another
Emailing a thank you note

The people in the Receiver or Control groups were not asked to do anything at all during the course of the study. It was just work as usual for them. All three groups filled out surveys before and after and two months later.

Here’s what the researchers found: Givers and Receivers mutually benefited in well-being in both the short- and long-term. They showed improvements on weekly measures of feelings of competence and autonomy, for example, acting in alignment with core values. Receivers remained happier a full month after the study and Givers became less depressed and more satisfied with their lives and jobs. They also noticed the changes in workplace. Givers’ prosocial acts inspired others to act: Receivers paid their acts of kindness forward with 278% more prosocial behaviors than Controls. That’s right, just like that ‘ol bumper sticker said so. Surely, this is a prescription for happier workers and workplaces.

Why does this matter? The most common contributors to low job satisfaction and causes for absenteeism include but are not limited to: bullying and harassment, burnout, stress and low morale, stress of childcare and eldercare, depression, disengagement, illness, and not surprisingly, looking for another job. I will never forget when I was a psychology intern and was told to forge medical documentation that previous staff had failed to sign. An accreditation was at risk. I refused. My supervisor reprimanded me, “Don’t you know? Shit flows downhill.” I stood my ground and almost left the profession before I barely got started. Later I learned his wife had stage 4 cancer. He was desperate. But still.

Consider that kindness, a prosocial skill that needs to be practiced in order to grow, is about connecting with other people in genuine and transparent ways. Yes, most of us are caring and want the best for others. But life poses daily challenges and we can be easily distracted. So we have to put in the effort. All the co-opted leadership buzz words of today apply: compassion, grit, emotional intelligence, empathy, mindfulness and wisdom. Yet, practicing these skills at work is another matter entirely.

Moreover, there is a multiplier effect when you do try. Your kind and caring action and the corresponding upswell of positive emotions will spread, influencing at least three other people like a happy virus. It’s likely that each of those three people will positively influence others in their social circles. A little kind intention can go a long way. It’s not all that different from raising well adjusted kids, which of course, takes time. It requires courage, consistency, calm, and true connection — no matter the successes and failures along the way. That’s the caring advantage. It flows uphill. If we can’t model such genuine attention to the people we work with every day it will be hard to expect retention, innovation and longevity.

Survive or thrive. What would you rather do?

A version of this article originally appeared on the Whil blog: http://blog.whil.com/make-work-virtuous-viral.

My new book is “The Kindness Cure: How the Science of Compassion Can Heal Your Heart and Your World.” Drawing on research in psychology and neuroscience, this book will help teach you the benefits of practicing kindness from the inside out. Check it out today! https://www.taracousineau.com/book/

@taracousphd

Photo Credit:

Johnson Wang

Nathan Dumlao

Making Friends with Your Inner Cynic

February 14, 2018 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

People often ask me if I think people are less empathetic in today’s world. It’s a good question. After all, just a quick glance to the daily news or a social media feed is a sure-fire way to trigger feelings of doom and gloom. Another Valentine’s Day passes you by with sweet nothings for nothing? A temper tantrum toward an unsuspecting family member or co-worker maybe? An urge to run for the hills to hide? I’m with you. On more than one occasion in the recent past I have told my friends that I’ll be moving to Canada, or even better, to cozy Denmark where the happy people live.

We can’t help but want to rumble or retreat in the face of danger — real or imagined. Our brains are wired to scan for threats and that is essentially a good thing. Yet, there is a downside to giving too much attention to what ails us and the world: You will surely provoke your inner cynic. Pessimism can take hold. Empathy can hide. And that’s not such a good thing. Instead, there are ways to redirect our attention that can allow us to hold what is both difficult in the world and what is beautiful.

Pay Attention to Your Attention — If there is something that truly ails our culture it is not a lack of empathy, it’s a lack of attention. We’re scattered; we’re overexposed to negative media; we’re addicted to busyness; and stress levels are chronically high. We can forget to pay attention to the very things that matter and bring us joy. It takes practice to redirect attention to the people and moments we can appreciate in our daily lives. There’s so much good in the world if we are open to seeing it.

Practice Kindfulness — Kindfulness is being aware of the present moment with heart. When difficult reactions arise, such as upsetting thoughts, uncomfortable feelings, and bodily irritations, your body is sending out important signals that it’s time to pause. Honor this innate emotional intelligence. Name the experience for what it is. For example “I’m angry.” “This is despair.” “I feel helpless.” Breathe tenderness to the sore spots and allow the moment to flow through you.

Make Room for the Inner Cynic — If you didn’t care about the wellbeing of someone or something, you wouldn’t be upset in the first place. The voice inside, the one lamenting that the world has gone to hell in a handbasket, is trying to protect the vulnerable part of you that wants so much to be safe, to belong, and to feel empowered. Your cynic is also a messenger, so listen with curiosity and an open heart. Fresh ideas will arise.

Align with Your Integrity — Amazing things can happen as a result of befriending your inner cynic. You can ask yourself: “How can I bring kindness to this moment?” “How can I love and resist at the same time?” “How can I take meaningful action?” When I think back about the Women’s March of 2017 I feel an uplift of positive emotions that still sustains me and keeps me involved about issues I care about. When you focus on what serves your highest self and that of others, the inner cynic will stay at bay.

Grow a Kind Mind — We can purposely cultivate compassion without being overcome by emotional distress. Our natural reaction to another’s suffering has a neurological correlate in the brain. In fact, the empathy network maps on a similar neural network for physical pain.

It’s no wonder we impulsively recoil, retreat, wince, numb, or faint in response to pain and suffering! This is a normal and temporary reaction. But it’s what happens next where we have control. We can learn to manage difficult emotions. It means taking gentle care of yourself by giving time to restore, rest and respond with kindfulness. Otherwise, prolonged experiences and exposure to suffering can lead to empathy fatigue and detachment (for example, among caregivers, first responders, and people living in traumatic conditions).

Cultivate Kindsight — The art is to make room for loving attention and have enough emotional perspective to keep your wits about you. I call this kindsight, or viewing life experiences with tenderness and understanding. Compassion practices, like a daily loving kindness meditation, help to broaden and cultivate warm and caring feelings toward ourselves, others, and the whole of humanity. Community practices, such as volunteering or simply helping out in the neighborhood or local school, are direct ways to put kindness in action. Compound this with a good dose of gratitude for what we can offer and do for others, and the inner cynic is sure to be quelled.

If you like what you read, please consider getting my new book The Kindness Cure for you or a friends. It’s chock full of vignettes offered by people, scientific tidbits, and practices in kindness. Thanks for your support!

Photo credit:

Nicole Mason

Illustration: Pamela Best for The Kindness Cure

On Turner’s Pond: A Walking Meditation

June 25, 2017 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

On the eve of the first day of summer I took a walk with my dog Leo. I’m not the dog walker in the family even though I should be (Leo was my idea), but I needed to get some head space and so I drove over to Turner’s Pond. Leo is getting on in years and twice around the pond seems too much for his short legs. We decided to give it the ole college try.

I edged around the first bend full of maples and oaks to a clearing. Cumulous clouds were bursting forth like cotton candy at a county fair. My mother used to tell me and my sister that when the sky turns bright pink the angels were busy baking cookies. This always made me happy as a child.

It still does.

This sky was pretty enough to take a picture. Alas, I had purposely left my phone in the car and was now feeling a twinge of regret. With a new mission in mind to get it I picked up my pace, while eyeing the ever changing hues. Please stay still.

I raced by a family. They were rather striking for their stature and number. Two parents and four boys of various ages. The older boy was close to being a teenager and the youngest, about 4, was on his red bike and mightily leading the pack. They could be from some Scandinavian country, I thought.

My four-legged companion was petering out. I decided to give Leo an out and let him sit in the car. I took the second lap around rather briskly with my cell phone in hand. Could I catch the sky’s dusty rose hue?

It was too late.

Why do we need to document such moments anyway, I chided myself. I slowed down and welcomed the breeze. Breathe in. Breathe out. My mind was flitting back and forth from appreciating the pond life to being lost in memory.

I observed something else that warmed my heart as much as my mother’s words about cherubs and a craving for warm cookies. I came upon a young couple who had set up portable hammocks among the birch trees just over the water’s edge. They were facing each other and quite animated in conversation. They paid no mind to the nocturnal insects, to the bellows of bullfrogs, or to my presence.

Hammocks. That took some planning. I felt soothed by the waning sounds of their voices.

I finally came to the opening at the far end of the pond where the geese and duck circle each other and a random dog inevitably chases them off. It happens every visit. This time two lumbering white retrievers had their fun. The owner and I exchanged a laugh. Poor Leo. He missed it.

And I missed my chance for the photo op. They sky quickly paled in the twilight. I headed back and came across the Viking family again. This time the mother, father, and the two older boys were tightly nestled on a short bench. Shoulder to shoulder. They barely fit. The littlest one poked a stick in the pond and the other child was skipping a stone. Like the young couple, they were deep in conversation looking out over the water.

Cozy.

I could hear that they were American. I think this surprised me — to see a family all together at dinner time rather than dispersed at some sport field or immersed in technology. That this family was so intimate, and in nature no less, made me pause. I felt a bit voyeuristic.

They also gave me hope. I’m not sure for what. Maybe just that nature is always there to restore us. And if we can appreciate this gift, as the couple and this family seemed to, then maybe we can be good stewards of each other and our planet after all — no matter the color of the sky.

Don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter to get future updates about my upcoming book: The Kindness Cure: How The Science of Compassion Can Heal Your Heart And Your World.

Photo Credits:
(c) 2017 Tara Cousineau

Hammock:
Nicole Harrington

Seeing Red In Pixar’s Inside Out?

August 6, 2015 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Any person or parent who as succumbed to the intoxicating delight of Pixar Animation Studio’s movies over the last decade must see Inside Out, this summer’s blockbuster. It’s fodder for ongoing conversations about kids, parenting, the brain, and our emotional lives.

Of the five inner voices swarming around in 11 year old Riley’s head — Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust and Fear — I just loved the red little guy! So much so, I saw Inside Out twice: Once with my BodiMojo co-workers (full review here) and once with my family.

The first time I was so attentive to the story line that I had to see it again to focus on the science of it. I realized because I was a temper tantrum kid that I wanted to see more of Anger, voiced by comedian Louis Black. Anger is a difficult emotion that can be appropriate at times (like when the main character, Riley, finds out she has to move away from the comfort of home and her BFFs). It’s also an important emotion in understanding the ups and downs of emotional life, stress, and what’s happening inside the brain. Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, co-authors of my favorite parenting book, The Whole Brain Child, have a simple representation of the brain that I love. It’s much simpler that the brain depicted in the movie! Dr. Siegel uses his hand as a model of the brain, which he divides in to the “upstairs brain” and the “downstairs brain.” Imagine your hand in a fist. The downstairs brain (the palm) is reactive and controls things like breathing and sleeping; it can get triggered and activate the fight, flight, freeze or faint response when angry or afraid.

The upstairs brain (the curled fingers in Dr. Siegel’s hand model) is the logical, rational brain that can make plans, problem solve, and instill reason and calm. That’s the PFC, the prefrontal cortex. It balances out the downstairs brain. In between is the baby gate, i.e., the thumb tucked inside the fist, which represents the amygdala, the tiny structure in the brain that is on constant alert for danger and helps to process emotion. When a kid “flips her lid” (hand is now wide open) it means the baby gate is locked and the passage between the upstairs and downstairs brain is disconnected. In Inside Out, the Sadness and Joy were locked out while the brain’s command central was going bonkers. That’s when Anger and the other sidekicks, Disgust and Fear, went into panic mode. (“There’s nothing working! Why isn’t it working?”) This triggered the stress reaction and motivated Riley into action, or a “flight” response. This is what Dr. Siegel might call an upstairs tantrum: she made a conscious decision to grab her mom’s credit card number, buy a bus ticket, and then run away.

Dr. Siegel’s Tedx Talk and his Handy Model of the Brain

I wanted to see a downstair tantrum in part because I use this language with some of my younger adolescent clients prone to emotional regulation challenges. Where was the downstairs fist-pounding, wailing meltdown? Plus, every kid loses it from time to time. I’ve found my daughter wailing inside her closet, too, with utter recognition of the experience. To see Riley do so would have been excruciatingly entertaining to be sure. Who couldn’t relate? It would also be instructive for viewers and half the screaming little kids in the theater with me.

How does one calm down when so upset?

A rational conversation by mom or dad would not work well in the moment. After all, who can hear anything when one is in a meltdown? After the emotional release dies down, connecting with an understanding mom and dad certainly could. That might include naming the emotions and engaging in calming skills (breathing, a hug, and mindfulness) until the “baby gate” opens up to the upstairs brain. That’s when new learning (or integration) can take place. As Dr. Siegel says, kids need to know that their feelings are both “mentionable and manageable.”

All told, Anger, made me laugh in recognition. My 15 year old daughter, the consummate animation flick fan, quipped, “I can’t wait for Inside Out 2!” That’s when we hope the “puberty button” gets pushed! Let’s see what adventures Riley’s internal voices embark on in her morphing brain once she’s a teenager. And that’s when I imagine Disgust will reveal her true sassy self. (Dr. Siegel’s recent book Brainstorm: The Power and The Purpose of the Teenage Brain, is another excellent read.)

I recently saw Dr. Siegel demonstrate the hand model of the brain at a Mindfulness & Education Conference. On that day his sidekick was hip hop artist JustMe, who composed a song for kids, “Don’t Flip Yo’ Lid.” It was amusing to watch teachers and therapist jamming. Whatever it takes!

A movie, a song about the brain for kids? It works for this big kid.

Photo credit: © Pixar, 2015 http://movies.disney.com/inside-out/

KISS & Tell with Tweens and Teens

October 24, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Kids under the moon, dreamstime_s_25428709

Parents are freaked out. Freaked out. Maybe it’s part of the season, the time changing, darker days, a new moon, lunar eclipse, or the upcoming All Souls day. But there is no mistaking it. The news has been full of upsetting stories involving 12 year olds (which I will save for last).

Kids are stressed out. Parents are stressed out. The world is bearing down unprecedented pressures, many of which play out in kids’ emotional and social worlds and are hidden from adult view.

Recently, I presented at several middle schools on the subject of raising confident teens. I call the seminar “Tweens in Balance.” The gist of the talk comes back to this: teenagers are like toddlers, just not as cute.

Or aliens.

Tweens and teens are strange indeed. There are good reasons for it. A massive transformation is taking place inside them and this contributes to lots of fits and starts, misunderstandings and impulsive actions.

Tweens are often irrational while parents try to be rational with them. It doesn’t work well. They might just tell you to kiss off… more or less.

I spend a good amount of time on teaching some basics: what’s going on in tweens’ brains at this stage of development and how parents can make heads or tails out of their moods and behaviors. I discuss how parents can feel empowered rather than confused – by understanding what’s going in their tweens’ cognitive and emotional life. I try to help them approach the teen years with a new perspective, a sense of humor, and some basic guidelines on how to communicate with them. There are plenty of funny stories to share.

But it’s no laughing matter. While tween brains are undergoing a massive remodeling, many of the connections are just forming. Tweens have a hard time:

1) making rational and sound decisions

2) regulating emotions

3) understanding consequences

4) seeing a bigger picture

So keep things simple. Super simple.

KISS dreamstime

Yes, the KISS principle or (whatever version of the phrase that suits you.)

The bottom line is that parents need to be clear and consistent and connected. That’s means making expectations really clear, not changing up rules on the fly, and staying involved and engaged with your child. Tweens are old enough to be included in decision-making and setting up new rules. The ideal times are transitions such as starting middle school, high school, college, summer months, camp, etc.

Another thing is for parents to chill a bit: Avoid making demands, constructing lists of things for them to do, and above all, thinking you are a step ahead of them. Better to take a humble but methodical approach verses a controlling and erratic one.

Part of the reason that parents of teens are freaked out is that early adolescence is clearly a vulnerable time. There are so many distractions; tweens see their problems as HUGE and irresolvable; and most of all they care about fitting in and being accepted. Any slight or misunderstanding can seem like the end of the world to them, literally.

Also, it seems that younger tweens are suffering silently or simply don’t have coping skills to manage today’s pressure-cooker world. It’s as if no one is taking the time to teach our children:

EMPATHY – COMPASSION – EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Lets take for example, the cyberbullying case in Florida regarding the suicide of the 12-year old of Rebecca Ann Sedwick in September. It is nothing less than horrifying. Here is an example of how bullying and violence prevention protocols and parent education could have made the difference between a girl’s life and death in the year leading up to the tragic event. Many adults, including parents and educators, failed these girls. The alleged bullies,12- and 14-year-old girls, are being charged with a felony. It’s very controversial given their age. Then just last week a 12 year old boy in Reno, Nevada, shot a teacher at his middle school, wounded two other students, and then killed himself. Two teen girls in a near by town outside of Boston, just miles from where my family lives, took their lives last month. It kind of seems like an epidemic of childhood violence – against oneself or another.

Can’t we do more?

It helps to understand what’s going on with this age group in modern times. A young adolescent’s cognitive and emotional development is still in development. It’s a sensitive period. Social media and the current glamorization of power and violence create extremely limited views on how to handle conflict. Our culture, parenting, and educational systems simply do not take into account the “perfect storms” that can occur during this vulnerable stage of growing up. Stern consequences are in order, but jail or juvenile detention (as is being considered in the case of poor Rebecca Ann’s bullies)?

When it comes to kids who do really bad things, remedial programs, treatment, and community service need to be in place to foster empathy and compassion, problem solving, conflict resolution and thoughtful decision-making. This may take years in the making for some children. For other young people, helping them understand that problems can be solved and that asking for help is a first step. But teens don’t know this or the information isn’t sinking in. It’s not sinking in!

Let’s be real: this means consistent prevention initiatives during middle and high school — and appropriate consequences for children and teens that become tormentors. We have to do more. The question for parents is: What can you do in your own home life to create the conditions to raise emotionally connected and compassionate children?

Consider this: Parents are the greatest influence in their children’s lives. Parents can help children navigate the challenges of growing up, build resilience in the face of a culture that reduce feelings to emoticons, rating and likes. You – yes, you – can teach them the value and gifts of every person’s life and let the know that no matter what, they are not alone when they are struggling.

Keep It Simple. Keep It Kind. Keep It Real.

So as with toddlers, we have to repeat things over and over with tweens and teens – patiently, respectfully and without judgment. Every day. Right now.

Go.

Caution: Soul-Searching Mama Traveling With Teenager

August 3, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Traveling in Malaysia and Indonesia for almost three weeks with my teen daughter has been relatively easy in spite of the fact that she ignores me. So I’ve taken total advantage of this state of affairs. I’ve gone AWOL. Since she’d rather be with her traveling BFFs, I’ve learned that I can actually allow myself to relax between meals and airport checkpoints.

I’ve embarked, rather accidentally, on a mini soul journey and daily practice of self-compassion. I figure it’s a good time to walk the talk of what much of what I teach to my clients. After all, I have no excuse since I don’t have much Internet access to distract me (and neither does my daughter); I don’t have to do laundry; and for god’s sake it’s a vacation after all. And my BFF, our hostess and the mom of her BFFs, who now lives in Kuala Lumpur, has lovingly seen to it that I see a masseuse, an energy healer, and a Chinese medicine doctor. She’s a good friend indeed.

Here are three things I’ve learned as a soul-searching mom traveling with teenager.

1) Be Kind

It’s never too late to be kind to yourself. I found I could nurture my soul in spite of the constant banter of four teenage girls. I simply tuned them out. I put myself on top of the priority list for a few days. That gave me time to read: in the airports, on the flights, and in the middle of the night wide-awake on East coast time.

I’ve already two books in less than a week: The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer and Untethering the Soul by Michael Singer (twice). I’m re-reading Singer’s bestseller as I found it so moving. The first time I simply read it in awe. I’m now I’m underlining my favorite parts, which is about two thirds of all the pages. He writes, for instance:

You have a wellspring of beautiful energy in side of you. When you are open you feel it; when you are closed you don’t.

Sometimes you pick up a book and it’s no accident it was waiting for you.

2) Be Quiet

When you start to pay attention to your inner life you begin to witness all the unnecessary chatter in your own head. I’ve been practicing this for years – or rather I’ve been playing tag with mindfulness meditation. I go in fits and starts. Then things like missed school buses rob me of the most sacred time of day. Ah, the busyness of life.

So here I am on the other side of the world with few concerns other than my daughter’s peanut allergy. As it turned out, when I tuned into my internal dialog I found it was louder than those four teenage girls. So much for me telling them to quiet down. It was also rather boring; at times it was rather harsh; and overall, my inner voices were not nearly as loving and silly as the girls’ constant gab. I decided to stand back and witness both my chatter and theirs. I came to appreciate these inner and outer voices for that they were… voices. It is true that much of what we tell ourselves we’d never utter aloud to a dear a friend. I had all the evidence in and around me.

3) Be Open

Every stranger I’ve met has offered me a gift. It’s as if they somehow know that “self-care” is frowned upon in my culture; that any attention to oneself, or pampering, is considered a luxury rather than a birthright.

No more.

The Masseuse, with her hot stones sliding and clicking along my spine, brought to me a state of intense warmth and relaxation. It was an experience in which a trace memory appeared: a babe wrapped in loving arms. It moved me to tears. That led to my more accessible memories of swaddling my own baby girls. Pure love. Joy. Gratitude.

The Energy Healer could “see” even before meeting me a pain in my right arm (true!) and “a tear in my heart chakra.” A tear, as in rip, rupture, or fissure. The statement brought me to tears. How many of us carry broken hearts from some part of our lives? Apparently, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I had just read a line in Untethering the Soul: Very few people understand the heart.

Here I was with a person I had never met before and she saw right to my heart and old bottled up wounds. Never had I felt so vulnerable. Ever. Yet, she was kind, intuitive, and began a process of releasing my stuck energy patterns. I thought I had been over all this before. You don’t become a therapist without immersing yourself in your own treatment. Yet, this was clearly different kind of therapy and tapped something much deeper than reruns of my life’s narratives. It was about letting go of them. She had four words for me: Accept. Allow. Forgive. Love. She sent me off with a powerful breath focused visualization.

On the third day, the Chinese Medicine Doctor asked “What your problem?” and read my pulse carefully. He told me my liver and kidney chi were overactive, constricting my chest. What? Back to the heart?

“The energy shifts and variations that take place in the heart run your life,” Singer writes in his book. “But in truth you are not your heart. You are the experience of your heart.”

The doctor gave me seven days worth of mystery bark and berries to brew into a “balancing” tea. The very act of brewing my own tea left me with pause for all the learning I had just done. It was hard to swallow.

* * *

Now we are in Bali surrounded by temples. We are literally stepping over daily offerings to gods left on the sidewalks and doorways. We are meeting a kind people who are always smiling; and we are among a community in tune with nature and spirit. Here, my heart is light; the path made easier by my three healers, two books and dear friends.

My daughter has little sense of what I’m experiencing, but in her self-involved adolescent world she is noticing that I’m taking care of myself. She’s become curious.

Now she wants a massage, too. Intrepid as they are the girls booked four massages – together, of course, $10 a piece.

It’s a start.