Self-Esteem

Body Image Dispatch: Dear Skinny Girl

July 21, 2015 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

I have a skinny daughter. She came out of the womb as a wiry, nimble sprite. For years she was in the 5^th percentile for BMI on the pediatric charts. Her natural tendency for sprinting and jumping led her into a decade long love affair with competitive gymnastics. As I watched her tumble and fly, I teetered along with a low grade anxiety praying she wouldn’t break her neck. Then came the day she had to abruptly stop at age 13 as a result of impact related injuries to her elbows. Broken wings.

Devastated by the loss and plummeting endorphins, she redirected her energy bit by bit. My elfin child, made of delicate bones but thick skin, managed to focus on other sports by the time high school came around.

But the years of conditioning and the 20+ hours at the gym delayed her puberty. As a result some people think she’s a child. At 15 that really makes her mad. Yet to her delight she shot past her older sister by an inch or two – a seemingly unexpected reward of her retirement.

But she’s still skinny.

She recently participated in a study assessing lifestyle and body image concerns. She texted me, “Why are there all these questions about feeling fat? What if you feel too thin?” Of course, her observation was keen. (Science can be biased.) Weighing not more than 96 pounds throughout high school, I felt for her. She inherited my body type and could blame our lineage. Unconvincingly, I remarked that she would feel much happier about her body later in life.

But what about now? “I’m just an awkward person, mom.”

“No you aren’t,” I tell her, “but I get that you feel that way.”

I’ve met countless girls and women over the years who feel badly about their bodies; they are often caught in a vicious cycle of negative social comparison. Some of them inflict self-harm and suffer greatly.

Maybe it’s a tired story. We are well aware that poor body image is an epidemic reinforced by social media, ratings and rankings, and cultural images of unnatural beauty standards. But we don’t do much to teach kids how to handle the onslaught. We fail to recognize that their exquisite, delicate brains are meticulously paving belief patterns and behaviors that shape their identities and experiences of the world. They can be brainwashed.

Sadly, many parents can be self-deprecating about their own appearance or critical of others. Friends can be over-invested in appearance and downright mean. One idiosyncratic physical flaw or mannerism can indict a kid to years of torment. Children can easily develop a habit of mind that is overly judgmental and disconnected from their bodies and inner spirits.

I’ve been thinking about what I wish for my daughter knowing that if I tried to have a conversation about body image she might roll her eyes at me. Or else she may quip, “I know I know, mom. Anyways, you are a psychologist. You are supposed to say that.”

But I have no script. The body image curriculums I know so well fall far short of what we really want our girls and boys to inhabit when it comes to body confidence. It’s not just knowledge, cognitive skills or empowerment. That’s too ephemeral.

I believe we need to be more, dare I say it, spiritual.

What do I wish that both my daughters understand – or embody – now? I’ve been reflecting on this for quite a while and what I have discovered is really a wish for all children. If I were to leave a letter under my awkward daughter’s pillow or whisper in her ear, here’s what I would say:

My Skinny Girl,

I have a secret to share. It may be hard to understand now, but trust me.

Our bodies are simply physical vessels containing our expansive souls. With that said, your body is sacred so take gentle care of it.

You were born unto this world with a purpose you will yet discover. With that said, dig deep and let your spirit soar.

The mind is both imaginative and tricky; it will tell you stories about who you are that aren’t true. With that said, listen to your heart more than your head.

The crafted images we see of what we should look or be like are make-believe and can cause disconnection, shame and loneliness. With that said, don’t let others define you.

People can be kind and cruel; mostly they are trying to feel better about who they are. With that said, mindfully gather your tribe of bravehearts.

Don’t be someone else’s happy pill. Some friends aren’t worth the energy it takes to bolster their self-worth at the expense of your own. With that said, compassion is as much about good boundaries as it is about caring.

Being alive means having a fair share of suffering and joy. With that said, it’s good to have both thick skin and an open heart (as you do).

You are gifted with innate emotional intelligence radiating throughout your amazing body, head to toes. With that said, trust your vibes.

We are not confined to our physical bodies alone, but intimately connected to all of humanity and the planet we inhabit. With that said, go forth with fearless love and kindness.

While this may sound strange or unfamiliar, if you remember anything I say, know that you are a cherished angel. With that said, I love you – broken wings and all.

* * *

This article originally appeared on Huff Post Parents, July 14, 2015

Photo Credits:

What’s your beauty legacy?

October 7, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

That’s the question that a new Dove film asks mothers and daughters. In documentary style, moms and their daughters (7-10 years old) are asked – separately – to write two lists: what they like about their bodies and what they don’t like.

The first time I watched the film, all of three minutes, I found myself holding my breath. Oh god, what are my daughters, now ages 14 and 16, adopting about the way I view my body or myself?

In the film, when the mother and daughter pairs’ lists were compared, the things they liked and disliked about their body were remarkably similar. If a mom complained about her legs, so did the daughter. If a mom liked her smile, so did the girl.

I watched the film a few more times, putting myself in the role as mom, and as the daughter…my 8- or 12- or 16-year-old self.

To be sure, some women will watch this film and say, “Oh here’s another mother-bashing moment.” Surprisingly, I don’t feel that way. And I’m in a profession that tends to examine childhood hurts and “empathic failures” of parenting to a fault. Instead, I found the film to be a teachable moment. The moms and girls were relatable and endearing; it made me take pause.

And that is the whole point of the film—coming to a moment of self-awareness about the ways we may be influencing our children, intentionally or otherwise.

It also invites a retrospective lens on what beliefs we may have carried forward that may not have been our own to start with.

When I reflect back on my childhood I remember feeling skinny, awkward and ugly. I was the girl who stuffed a training bra with tissues, with little added result. Yet, this self-consciousness didn’t come as some sort of message from my mother. In fact, she missed, and often dismissed, any coming-of-age angst I may have expressed. But no matter. Culture was an influential teacher, even in the hang loose, hippie heyday of the 1970s where a bra was a non-essential.

As my luck had it, my mother was an extraordinary beauty. I admired and felt proud of her natural good looks as some badge of honor I could benefit from. “Your mom is so pretty!” my girlfriends would say. She was much more than that.

My mom handed down an appreciation of the European aesthetic she grew up in, a value for arts and culture, and the gift of grace. She had an aptitude for pulling herself and her two girls together with virtually no financial resources. In hindsight it’s no surprise that she became an Avon Lady selling cosmetics door-to-door, sashaying into the homes of dour housewives, who were charmed by her German accent and her Sophia Loren looks. She had a talent for helping them feel beautiful not only with make-up and perfume samples, but with the wholehearted attention she poured over them.

I doubt any of her customers, largely middle and lower class women living on the coast of Connecticut, had any idea whatsoever that our family was on food stamps, that her husband left the family bankrupt, and that we relied on the generosity of friends to help get us by.

The beauty legacy I inherited from a beautiful woman was not about the shape of my nose, the thickness of my thighs, or the texture of my hair—timeless issues that so many girls obsess over. As the Dove’s Legacy film portrayed, moms are central role models for their children. They pass on beliefs and feelings about beauty, self-worth and so much more.

The legacy that I inherited was this unspoken rule that under no circumstances could anyone know that we were poor. The trick was we had to have a really good cover. The only way that my sister and I could travel through life was to look very put together, neat and clean, and yet trendy. My mother had style. She sewed our outfits. She frequented the local second hand shop, trading our old clothes for the newer, “gently worn” items of the more fortunate.

It was a childhood lesson in “fake it until you make it.”

This had its consequences as my sister and I became teenagers. I remember my first date, the late bloomer that I was, in my sophomore year in high school. A friend’s older brother, the lanky star of the basketball team, invited me to the homecoming dance. I was excited and terrified at the same time.

My girlfriends’ mothers were buying the current fashion of the early 80s: the dreamy Gunny Sack dresses with lace and high collars. Surely we could not afford a Gunny Sack dress. I cried about it. My mother, to her credit, agreed to buy me a short sleeve blouse of the coveted brand. We then went to the fabric store and bought three yards of a sage green print – to match the ribbon trim in the blouse. We sewed a long flowing skirt. And despite my mom’s resourcefulness, I felt ashamed and angry. I feel badly about it now, but that’s a teenager for you. (Today it’s overpriced Uggs and Lululemon yoga pants that are a topic of contention between my girls and me.)

When I met my date’s mother, holding a cocktail in one hand and a cigarette in the other, she lavished over me. She droned, “Why, honey, aren’t you simply lovely. You look like a doll.”

I died inside. Indeed, I felt like a Madame Alexander collectable doll. The worst part, of course, was the only judge was me.

Later in college when I started dating a handsome soccer player, I laughed out loud when he later told me that he thought I was a rich girl from the exclusive township of Greenwich, Connecticut. I seemed untouchable, he noted, and this inspired his pursuit.

It’s funny when I think back that this was the beauty legacy I inherited: to be well put together, look wealthy (not poor), and appear out of reach so that no one could know the real story of my life.

This morning I watched my younger daughter getting up an extra half hour early for school so that she could straighten her long hair with an iron. I remember I did the same, but with hot curlers.

No matter what our mothers may want for us, or say to us about how wonderful we are on the inside, or complain about their own body image, there’s no doubt that girls are raised in part by a much larger force: our culture. My older daughter laments about her thick (and luscious) hair that other girls would die for. My younger daughter thinks that she has a round, fat nose which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Yet, I understand girls are a by-product of the communities they live and play in – off line and online. Unquestionably, mothers can’t help but hand down their beliefs or “legacies,” including those that go beyond looks or body image.

It’s interesting to me that my girls are keenly aware that our family is not rich. Self-comparison is the name of the game in adolescence, especially observing the haves and have-nots. They complain that I’m still driving a 14-year old, rusty mini-van because soon they want to drive a much cooler car. Our house could use a paint job. And we’ve never taken a family vacation to Disney World.

Yet, they have no real idea of what it means to be poor, either. That’s because I have done my best to protect them from the experiences I had as a child, which were largely shrouded in secrecy and shame. I can’t say that this is a good thing. My girls have been well protected from the plight of a broken home, relying on food subsidies, or having to put up a good front. They can only imagine it and, frankly, no kid wants to be lectured about it.

I have no doubt that they will experience losses and hardships. Struggle is necessary, as is failure. That’s the only way to understand what it means to fully live in the world. It requires having to draw on inner resources and resilience you don’t know you have until you are tested by life. At the same time, I am mindful that the lessons I want to teach my daughters is not about the necessity of fitting in or standing out – paradoxical messages they get from society – but of the imperative for kindness and compassion. But mostly, I want them to know they have beautiful spirits and a life of purpose.
It’s a subtle teaching and I have no idea if it will work, but I find myself shifting how I speak to them, which de-emphasizes their looks, social dramas, or complaints.

How’s your spirit today?

Be open to the unexpected surprises.

Smile and see who smiles back.

What made you laugh?

Name one delightful thing you experienced today.

Savor the moment.

Do something nice for someone.

Say thank you.

They pretend to ignore me or roll their eyes. But I don’t mind. The point is our lives are full of riches. And one way or another, they will absorb it. That’s the legacy I hope to pass down.

* * *

Resources:

See Dr Tara’s recent article on Dove’s Self-Esteem website.

Dove kicks off the 5th Annual Self-Esteem Weekend at the United Nations on Oct. 9.

Watch Legacy at www.Dove.com/Legacy and tell the world who you #FeelBeautifulFor on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram
Visit www.Dove.com/Legacy or Facebook.com/Dove for more information on the 5^th Annual Dove Self-Esteem Weekend, to access free self-esteem tools and resources specifically created for moms, mentors and teachers to motivate and inspire young girls.

*Disclosure. I am an expert global advisor to the Dove Self Esteem Project, which has a social mission to improve body confidence in girls. I provide expertise on evidence-based content and curriculum development to support educational initiatives on self-esteem and positive body image in girls. My participation on the Dove Self-Esteem Project advisory board is not an endorsement the DOVE products. The opinions stated on my blog/website are my own.

A Booster Shot for Confidence: Power Posing

May 8, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Power Posing. That’s what I’ve been teaching my daughters this week.

Super Woman. Hands on hips. Chest forward. Shoulders back. Chin up.

The irony of it all? Posing like a super hero releases testosterone, the male hormone. It also lowers cortisol, the stress hormone. In fact, just two minutes of such posturing before a stressful event —a class presentation or a public talk or a job review — can make a huge difference in the outcome. So says Harvard Business School social psychologist Amy Cuddy. Her motto:

Our bodies change our minds and our minds can change our behavior, and our behavior can change our outcomes.

She demonstrates the hands-on-hip pose and the winner’s “V” pose, with both arms raised above the head and taking up as much space as possible, as examples of poses that elicit a powerful cocktail of confidence-building hormones. Even if a person doesn’t believe it, the postures alone will trigger a physiological change that others pick up on. In other words, you can fake it until you make it.

I’ve written about this as a neat trick for teenagers on BodiMojo. But I was recently reminded about it after hearing Ann Cuddy’s talk on public radio. I had seen her TedxTalk (Cambridge Thrive 2012) and her TedGlobal talk (over 17M views). As many of my readers may know by now, I’m big fan of science that links the mind and the body. Cuddy and her collaborators tested out the question: Can changing just your body language make you feel more powerful?

The answer is a resounding, yes.

So my daughters have been doing what they usually do when I inform them of an advantageous coping skill. They mock me. They’ve been striking power poses before asking for things. A new dress for the 8th grade social. A drive around the driveway circle alone behind the wheel (my 14 year old). A new used car (my 16 year old). A tattoo. You get the idea. They are preempting my “No’s” with power poses.

All the power to them. If emulating Wonder Woman might improve their chances for success (sans the girdled bodysuit and wristbands), then they can mock me all they want. They can fake it all they want. What I did notice is that their posturing around the kitchen seemed to get them to clear the table and put the dishes in the sink without me asking. From my yogi perspective, these postures are also heart-openers. My girls were actually having fun. There were no complaints. No fighting. No stress. Lower kitchen drama, indeed.

Amy Cuddy’s advice is both simple and elegant. Think about what stresses most people out? Talking to a boss; having to meet with a teacher; facing the mean girls at lunch. A two-minute power pose can make all the difference. Raising testosterone — the “dominance” hormone in the animal kingdom — and lowering stress levels, makes for more a balanced leader.

Calm. Cool. Collected. Confident.

A small tweak can lead to a big shift. Of course, Cuddy is not suggesting that a person walk into a situation looking like a super hero. It’s more about practicing the posture in private before you enter into a social or evaluative situation. It’s also about pairing the posture with the intention of stepping up to the plate and to envisioning one’s success.

It’s low tech and doesn’t require a life coach.

* * *

See an image of power poses here.

B. Bossy. Barbie. Bothered.

April 1, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Like Goldilocks, nothing is fitting just right for me. Or like silly Winnie the Pooh, I just feel like saying:

Oh bother.

It started with the bothersome news that Mattel and the Girls Scouts of the USA teamed up on a career Barbie doll promotion. Ostensibly, this deal was about an online Barbie game, showing all the wonderful and smart careers a girl could have while wearing mini-skirts and high heels. It seems like an uncomfortable arrangement. But $2M is $2M, and the GS needed it, no doubt. It’s a changing world and they need to stay relevant. I’m all for collaborations that makes sense, but this one just doesn’t feel right to me. And the “Do Anything, Be Anything” patch with the Barbie insignia for Daisies and Brownies? Mere 1st through 3^rdgraders? That crossed the line for me. I’m siding with the folks who want GS to end their relationship with Mattel. The Girls Scouts could do so much better.

It doesn’t help that a small study was recently published suggesting that girls who are exposed to a Barbie doll – compared to girls exposed to a Mrs. Potato Head doll – may have limited views of potential careers for girls relative to careers for boys. Had the study been published earlier, maybe the GS would have thought twice about hopping into bed with Mattel. Goldilocks, I feel your pain.

Oh bother.

Then we have LeanIn.org’s #BanBossy campaign (also in partnership with the Girl Scouts, by the way). I have many friends and female entrepreneurs colleagues who love Sheryl Sandberg’s campaign. These are highly motivated women who persevere and demonstrate true grit in starting their own businesses. Empowered women are bossy. They have to be. They may have had their share of bossy (aka bitchy) comments over a lifetime. And yes, the word can be condescending, interfere with job promotions, and thwart fundraising. I get it. We’ve been told that a woman who is capable in her role is often perceived as being bossy, whereas her male counterpart is seen as an inspired leader. It’s also been reported that less than 5% of women entrepreneurs succeed in securing venture capital. This is part, because they go it alone and don’t bring along their football pals to fill the C-level positions. (I hear this on the street.) But let me tell you, smart and sweet doesn’t get women very far either. That might be interpreted as sassy. Shall we ban that word, too?

I work with girls and young women who could use a good dose of bossy. Be bossy! I want them to ignite their inner CEO, find meaningful work, and do what they stand for. My favorite commentary on the #BanBossy brouhaha is from Keli Goff at the Daily Beast. Her take is personal.

The bottom line is worrying about a word is a luxury that only kids who are already growing up with a host of advantages can afford. If Sandberg wants to make a real difference, she should put her money where her mouth is and come up with solutions that will insure more equality for girls who have more pressing concerns beyond banning bossy.

Right on. I was raised by a single mother and we had our share of struggles. #BanBossy just doesn’t resonate for me in the least (nor does “lean in.”) The whole campaign makes me feel like I’m supposed to “fit in” with the smart girls. It’s all rather cliquey. I guess I’m just not feelin’ it.

Oh bother.

But you can’t talk about #BanBossy without also talking about the Pantene ad that may have inspired Sandberg’s new initiative. A Pantene ad called “Labels Against Women” went viral in the Philippines last winter (video). It spotlights sexism in the workplace. When Sandberg caught wind of it and endorsed it, P&G, the parent company, quickly disseminated it in the US. LeanIn.org partnered with Pantene in the #BanBossy initiative. It’s all very cozy.

As it is, Pantene created a very compelling ad. The last I checked there were 46 million views on YouTube. Their hashtag, #ShineStrong, has a more hopeful and upbeat message than #BanBossy. I might even buy the product for my teen daughters when it goes on sale at the grocery store. (The whole end game for P&G.) My girls are killing their lovely long strands with flat irons as it is. But I’ll never be a Pantene loyalist, either.

Oh bother.

I ponder instead. Who seems to be getting it right?

I have The Representation Project to thank. They have an online campaign to raise awareness of sexism in the media. #NotBuyingIt encourages people to take action and engage in a public conversation. They also have #MediaWeLike to spotlight media that empowers women/girls and boys/men. At its core, this is excellent media literacy. After all, media as a communication channel is neither good nor bad. It just depends on how it is being used. So let’s use it for the greater good.

The greater good. What of late has inspired me in the arena of women’s empowerment? A guy named Nikolay Lamm, that’s who. Last year he created 3-D rendition of what a fashion doll (ok, Barbie) would like look like if she was based on an average 19-year-old woman. He asked: “What if fashion dolls were made using standard human body proportions?” The public loved it. Lamm recently went for crowd funding and raised almost a half a million dollars to manufacture the “Lammily” doll. His campaign title? Average is Beautiful. What’s not to love?

Rather than waiting for toy companies to change their designs, let’s change them ourselves by creating a fashion doll that promotes realistic beauty standards.

Product. Message. Movement. This guy gets it. I pre-ordered two dolls in honor of my daughters. Although they will be too old to play with a Lammily doll by the time it’s manufactured, the purchase is symbolic. Maybe the doll will go to college with them as a reminder from Mom that they are beautiful just they way they are.

Yes, the Lammily doll. Now here’s an initiative that the Girl Scouts of the US should just jump at even if it involves no funding. It’s a credibility issue. Plus, moms of up-and-coming Daisies, Brownies and Scouts will care. They all start selling cookies like mad. And a Lammily patch? Now that is something to consider.

I was a Girl Scout once. We made our own revolutionary outfits for the ’76 bicentennial parade in town, donning our green sashes covered with badges. It felt like something bigger than myself. Opportunity was in the air. I wish my girls had been Scouts. But Title IX came long and they are fiendish athletes now. I’m not totally happy about the exclusivity that sports play in their lives, but they get in their social action whenever possible. I try to reframe the non-GS track in this way: maybe my daughters will bring along their soccer pals when they pitch for venture funding in another 10 years. But even without handing down the baton of the GS experience to my girls, the organization is making some good choices.

The Girl Guides in the UK just teamed up with Dove’s Self Esteem Project*, which is part of DOVE/Unilever –another beauty brand. The initiative includes a body image curriculum for girls and a “Free Being Me” patch to promote body confidence. It’s starting up in the US, too, among the Girls Scouts, and I hope it will prove more successful and fitting than the Mattel partnership. (Lammily would make a great body confidence mascot by the way.)

I love these kinds of initiatives. It engages girls on a positive level, not a defensive one. It speaks to one’s best self. I can’t help to recall the Free to Be You and Me series with Marlo Thomas and Friends. Oh, how I looked up to Marlo. Her show and catchy tunes had timeless messages for all kids to behold. (This was a project with the Ms. Foundation for Women back in the 1970s, equal rights and all.) The idea was that a girl or boy could be anything they want to be; that all humans are connected (depicted by the song, Sister and Brothers), and it is ok to feel things deep down. Remember Rosie Grier, the football player, singing “It’s Alright to Cry”? It seems so retro and radical. And essential.

Ok, I know this rant totally dates me. But it helps to have bit of a lifetime perspective given the bumbling Bs of recent months. Am I right?

Oh bother.

* * *

5 Videos Every Mom and Daughter (and Son) Should Watch Together

March 14, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

Raising girls is hard. Raising boys is hard. We live in a culture where toys are more gendered than ever. The statistics of violence against women has not changed in decades. Aggression in boys and men is on the rise. And the rate of pharmaceuticals given to children keeps increasing. It’s a wonder if any parent can get a restful night’s sleep. My girls tell me to stop reading, that I tend to think the worst, and that I worry too much. On the other hand, I’m the cool mom in the group, they have never been grounded, and as a family we hardly ever fight. Some something is working.

But since having conversation about serious issues with my teenage girls tends to fall flat, I have found videos to be the next best thing to getting a message across. Here are my 5 top picks:

1) Oscar Winner Lupita Nyong’o Speech on Black Beauty in Hollywood, presented at Essence Magazine conference (video)

A flower couldn’t help but bloom inside me.

Inspired by the actresses in The Color Purple that led her to a career in film, Lupita describes her childhood aches about beauty. She begins by reading a letter from a little girl and then shares her own story. Lupita wished to God she had lighter skin and prayed every night. But change never happened. Her perspective did.

With her mom in the audience Lupita tells the story of her transformation from self-hate to self-love. Her mother told her: “You can’t eat beauty… What she meant was, you can’t rely on how you look to sustain you. What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful, is compassion. For yourself and for those around you. That kind of beauty inflames the heart and enchants the soul.” Apparently, Lupita is also a poet.

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2) How Do YOU Define Yourself by Lizzie Velasquez at TedXAustinWomen (video)

There are benefits to being really small.

Lizzie is one of only three people in the entire world with a rare syndrome that prevents her from gaining weight. She’s 25 years old, can only see in one eye, and has never weighed more than 64 pounds. She was cruelly bullied as a child, with people telling her that the world would be better off with out her in it. Her story is nothing short of stunning. Lizzie is living her dream as a motivational speaker.

I watched this clip with my 13 year old, who feels like she looks like she’s still in 4th grade, who was recently diagnosed with a degenerative bone condition that means the end of her 10 years of competitive gymnastics. No more pounding on the elbows, ever. For a little feisty kid known as Jumping Josie, it’s a unexpected life challenge. Listening to Lizzie was inspiring.

What defines you?

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3) The Mask You Live In (trailer) by Jennifer Siebel Newsom

As a society, how are we failing our boys?

My girls watched Miss Representation when the film on girls and women was released. It is part of our DVD library. The film “exposes how mainstream media contribute to the under-representation of women in positions of power and influence in America.”

While empowerment movements abound for girls, however, they seem virtually non-existent for boys. It’s time we pay attention to our boys. I look forward to the film on boys and men. Recently, the trailer when viral. The message is urgent and clear. We can’t empower our girls without doing the same for our boys.

From the website: “Compared to girls, research shows that boys in the U.S. are more likely to be diagnosed with a behavior disorder, prescribed stimulant medications, fail out of school, binge drink, commit a violent crime, and/or take their own lives. The Mask You Live In asks: As a society, how are we failing our boys?”

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4) Selfie, a short film by Dove

What if…your moms can redefine beauty just like you can?

Selfie Screen Shot - A Dove Film — Selfie – A Dove Film

One of the most common anxieties I hear from mothers , who seek me out about how to connect with their girls, centers around what’s happening in social media, cell phones and texting. They are frustrated with how self-absorbed girls seem to be. But social media and smart phones can also be a creative outlet and allow girls to show their real selves.

Taking a selfie is not the worst thing that can happen, remarks a girl in the film. Is the world going to combust into a million little pieces because I put a selfie out there?

The recent film by DOVE helps to open a conversation about beauty, body acceptance, and modern self-portraits. It revolves around a photography workshop with high school girls and their moms. The photographer asks the girls: “What if we figure out a way – when taking a selfie – to actually incorporate the things about us we don’t like?”

She also notes that moms often pass on their insecurities about their body or appearance to their children. “What if you work with your moms, who are also learning how to take selfies? Your moms can redefine beauty just like you can.” My favorite part was when girl in the film remarks on the self-portraits the other girls made.

I was surprised when I heard the girls talking about their insecurities. When they said they were insecure about things, those were things that made them different… but the things that made them different, made them unique. And that made them beautiful.

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5) The Sexy Lie: Caroline Heldman’s talk at TEDxYouth@SanDiego

A sexy lie = being a sex object is empowering (It’s totally not)

Warning Label: To watch this with your teen, you need to deal with the word sex.

Dr. Caroline Heldman is Chair of the Politics Department of Occidential College in Los Angeles. She is a vocal advocate for highlighting how mainstream media contributes to the underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence in America.

I love this talk about sexual objectification and “the sex object test” for media literacy. I also appreciate how Caroline Heldman points out how women fail to enjoy their bodies when they continue view themselves as actors in a scene. We are always starring in our mind movies at the expense of being fully in our bodies.

If we accept the statistics that 70% of high schoolers have sex by the age of 17 (this is for you deniers out there) it’s time to be forthcoming about bodies, sex, respect for self and others, and being fully connected to our physical bodies.

This is in-your-face straight talk. It’s easier for Caroline Heldman to say it to your teen daughter than you.

2014 Winter Olympics was all Mom Power

February 23, 2014 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

TD Ameritrade Ad 2014 Olypmics Celski — TD Ameritrade Ad 2014 Olympics – Celski

Behind every big moment, there are lots of small ones.

Pick them back up.

Where are the tissues?!

As the 2014 Winter Olympics have come and gone, what I come away with is not so much the medals won, but the stories of the athletes’ moms. Mothers took center stage at this 2014 Winter Olympics. Yes, indeed, moms showed up in the personal stories and in the Proctor & Gamble and TD Ameritrade sponsored ads. These were welcomed all around. Of course, I’m a mom of athletic teenagers so I’m smack in the center of target market. Just go ahead and pull on my heartstrings.

I never really got tired of the odes to moms or childhood footage of the athletes, as I did all the other repetitive ads. And we had plenty of exposure since it was school winter vacation week. But the appreciation of moms was important in one major way. It offered a counter culture message on motherhood. I’m not sure if you have noticed that in our recent past—oh let’s just say the past decade—moms have been portrayed as vacant, self-absorbed vixens trying to reclaim a youthful past through cutthroat housewife vanity or vicariously experiencing life through the talents or looks of their daughters. Or alternatively, moms are characterized as the classic, ditzy but well-intentioned stay-at-home mom that was once so well done by the inventive Lucille Ball in “I Love Lucy.” Sadly, the cultural portrayal of mothers is now imbued with a sense of cluelessness and disconnection when it comes female identity and raising children.

Think of the moms in the teen cult classic, Mean Girls (2004), Marge Simpson, or any mother in portrayed reality TV shows, like Dance Moms or Toddlers & Tiaras, or shows like Say Yes To The Dress, that bank on the emotional drama between mothers, daughters, sisters and girlfriends. Or consider Modern Family’s Clair played by Julie Bowen, who is perhaps the current version of Lucille Ball. I admit that Modern Family can endlessly entertain my own family.

Overall, it’s not pretty for moms. It’s actually disparaging in covert and overt ways. I’m sure there may be consumer research on motherhood personas but that’s not my field. My fantasy is that the ad agency for P&G had a good number of focus groups that showed what moms desire is respect and appreciation for the hard work it takes to raise a child, not just a super athlete. Moms don’t want to be rock star moms, they just want the light to shine on the love and dedication to their children. Yes, give them that break, please.

P&G had great success with the Thank You, Mom campaign in the Summer 2012 Olympics. It was a tearjerker. This year’s Pick Them Back Up was a good sequel. Maybe next time P&G will focus on Dads (who seriously need a whole new makeover in our culture and media), but this is unlikely since dads don’t typically buy the household goods or cut out coupons from the Sunday paper.

TD Ameritrade campaign slogan was: “Behind every big moment, there are lots of small ones.” Matt Damon is the voice behind it. The intent was to make a connection between the long-term commitment it takes to be an athlete and financial investment. The ad agency for TD Ameritrade collected childhood videos from various Olympic competitors (#itaddsup). For me it blended in the P&G campaign about moms. You could hear moms’ cheering voices behind the camera. See ads with snowboader, Louie Vito, speed skater JR Celski or skeleton racer an mom, Noelle Pikus Pace.

It was brilliant, if unintended.

I don’t want to have to wait another two years to see accolades on parenting. The media, for better or worse, has the funds and the means to send influential messages to millions of people, who are largely addicted to screens. Wouldn’t it be great if they could turn the success of such advertising campaigns in to a true social mission to empower parents – moms and dads – as effective agents and loving influencers in their children’s lives?

What a world it could be.

Getting Over Miley

October 10, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

What happened to smiley Miley, the Hannah Montana of our children’s impressionable, formative years?

She’s been replaced by herself.

We have to deal with it.

Hannah Montana was not a particularly favorite TV sitcom character in my recollection. In fact, I can’t really recall a favorite—maybe Steve from Blues Clues but that’s another genre from a more innocent phase of childrearing that I prefer to recall at times. Most tween sitcoms espouse a low-grade slapstick comedy and a hyper-dialog based on sarcasm. Not exactly the tone I’d like to foster in our home; it’s also not how people speak in the real world. When your kid starts to get snarky, well, you can bet they are copping that attitude with help from the media.

Nevertheless, my girls watched Hannah Montana with enthusiasm. Hannah Montana’s role was amplified by Disney Radio spots—which we parents suffered through on carpool rides. Now that my girls are 13 and 16, Disney shows are less compelling, of course, trumped by The Voice and crime shows.

The day after Miley Cyrus’s now infamous exposé on the MTV Music Video Awards my younger daughter tried to give me fair warning:

“Mom, DO NOT WATCH THE MILEY CYRUS CLIP! You’ll freak out.”

You see my girls know exactly the kind of cultural tirade I’d embark on. Exhibitionism, Objectification. Bad taste. Of course, I didn’t’ need to see it since within 24 hours the Miley controversy was on every parenting social media outlet.

And if you don’t think your kids saw the scene in question, or missed the images of her swank moves and feline tongue, think again. Most tweens and teens had heard or seen the clips via their smartphones or social networks.

The top story in this past week in the Boston Globe’s Sunday Arts section featured Miley in anticipation of her new album, Bangerz. My girls can’t wait to hear it. I left the paper out for my girls to read and weigh in on given all the ruckus this past year.

Is Miley a freak show now or is she in control of her public image? How to you feel about her new persona? What to you think about her remake? Do you like her music?

My older daughter commented: “I read the whole article and I agree [with the writer]. Miley is in control of her image and it’s the way she wants it. She can do what she wants and not apologize for it. Her songs are OK.”

Gotta love those independent minded teenagers.

My younger daughter, 13, said: “She’s just weird. Like, why would she want to act that way?”

Weird indeed. And what parent of a girl doesn’t cringe at the idea that our daughters might turn out like that. Or that our sons might date a girl like that.

While MiIey may have lost some former HM fans, she’s gaining many new fans who could care less about her child actor past. They find her bold, impressive, curious, compelling, and yes, sexy. But her songs, by and large, remain conventional or “OK” as judged by my daughter. Her songs are not particularly controversial even if her new persona is.

Miley may be well in control of her new public image, just like Madonna was back when I was a late teen. My mom had a word or two to say about her… oh something about sinners and hell. I did not pay my mom any attention. “Like a virgin!” we girls would blare out just to bug our moms.

Of course, now being a parent it’s impossible to control what my daughters are exposed to—but I can create the space for dialog. I can also weigh in. My point of view on Miley metamorphosis is this: When a person reaches the heights of celebrity success, it’s not just about him or her anymore. It’s about not the path to stardom and fame. It’s about the public, too. The public that grew up with you, as in the case of Hannah Montana.

What bothers me most is that these stars do have a responsibility to the public and to their fan base. It’s hard to stomach Miley’s sheer arrogance and narcissism, but many young celebrities do just that. Recall Rihanna who glibly commented that it’s not her responsibility to be a role model to millions of girls around the world—because it takes the fun out of her craft. Give me a break. How disconnected she can be?

Young stars are accountable to audiences who consist of real people. When your audience is largely made up of tweens and teens, you need to be aware of your impact and acknowledge it, even if you choose a stage presence (and it’s always a choice) that crosses the line for certain audiences—like vulnerable tween girls and boys who are forming impressions on gender, roles, and identity.

Some celebrities try to “offset” their raunchy image by doing charity work. On the one hand, bringing money to a good cause is important and noble, but if it’s done as a face saving effort or PR gig, it just reeks as inauthentic. So what do we do when it comes to raising kids and our efforts to filter out who are good roles models and who aren’t?

It comes down to having conversations—many of them, about character, responsibility, core values, and the complexity of being a human. There are many opportunities to talk to our children about the famous and infamous. But more important, the Mileys of the world give us pause to pay close attention, for better or worse, on what it actually means to have role models. It gives us pause to expand our view of just who role models can be. It’s not only the faces that cover magazines or appear in music videos. Our role models are much closer and accessible if we look around: they are in our communities, schools, churches; they are our friends, family, neighbors, and teachers. They are people who demonstrate true personal power through kindness, attentiveness, love and respect.

Let’s turn our attention to them.

Fame, Fortune and the Fallacy of Self-Esteem

October 2, 2013 by Tara Cousineau Leave a Comment

It’s that time of year! It’s the blind auditions for The Voice. Of course, my 13-year-old rushes through her homework and begs to watch it. I admit The Voice is entertaining. It takes the old talent formula one step farther by not having a visual of the contestants—to rule out the entrenched cultural biases on appearance, beauty, style and stage presence. It’s supposed to be a more fair approach—and in some ways it is.

But the end game is the same. People win and lose.

Hey, I don’t mean to be a party pooper. Or, as my daughter likes to tout every once in a while, “Gee, Mom, don’t rain on my parade!”

The Cost of Fame

But here goes my rant. We have come to a moment in our culture where the most important value cited by many preteens, according to one survey by the Children’s Digital Media Center at UCLA, is: Being Famous. We are now a culture of ranking, rating, and rewards. The current generation of young adults is referred to as Generation Me. It is the most narcissistic group since researchers have assessed personality traits in the population. And each younger generation is more self-absorbed than the preceding one. Some argue that American’s obsession with self-esteem has gone too far.

Now, I have to admit as a shrink, I believe it has.

We want our children to feel special, worthy and to succeed. We want to protect them from harm’s way, from disappointment and failure. These are important values. In fact, school systems and coaching programs have instituted self-esteem programs in their curriculums and personal development approaches. My girls both have so many ribbons just for showing up to dance or camp or whatever. In fact, kids today grow up accumulating a lot of stars, stickers, and plastic medals. But at what cost?

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a global self-evaluation of one’s worth.

It is a self-judgment. Our culture has fostered a belief system, which has trickled down into many educational venues, that by handing out rewards we will boost children’s self-esteem. This is in part in as reaction to previous parenting approaches that were authoritarian and punishment-oriented. But we’ve gone to the other extreme. Our culture has constructed messages and programs around the notion that we must protect children from experiences of failure. As a result, children learn that self-worth is based on how well they do at something (or not).

I regret not having my girls in the Brownies or Girls Scouts. Earning badges for actually learning a skill by working independently or in a group is a worthy endeavor. I did it as a kid. Many of my female friends did, too. That was before Title IX and all the wonderful opportunities for girls’ sports programs came into being (of which my daughters have benefited). But still.

My most profound experience was when I was 18 and on a leadership course where I had to lead a disgruntled group of my peers – across the Masai Mara in Kenya. I had to learn to deal with conflict, confront bullies, read a topical map (no GPS), and instill a sense of collaboration with others. I was scared S@#$less. But it was a defining experience. The reward? Getting to our destination with no calamities, with enough supplies, and group brainpower.

Self-esteem programs by and large are not correlated with positive outcomes. The very premise is wrong. The problem in part is how people measure “self esteem” – using by a measure which is global in nature (Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale) – which assesses feelings of confidence without assessing how or why a person feels that way.

There are just as many bullies, criminals and prejudiced people with high-self esteem as there are with low self-esteem. The only consistent correlation is that people with high self-esteem tend to also report feeling happier.

Our culture has gotten it backwards. Self-esteem doesn’t foster success and achievement. It’s the other way around. Learning by trial and error, and in fact through failures and disappointments—and overcoming them—is what helps a child develop the grit, resilience, and stick-to-it-ness that leads to a sense of self worth. Self-compassion researcher, Kristen Neff, writes about the problem with the concept of self-esteem:

High self-esteem is NOT associated with being a better person, just with thinking you are!

The Benefit of Failure

We need to let our kids fail, make mistakes, and then learn to deal with the consequences, repair the mistakes, and learn from the experience. Better to let this happen within the support and understanding of family, friends, and teachers, rather than on the public stage (which is where many kids want to be in order prove themselves and most will never get there). The healthy path to self-esteem is not to use indiscriminant praise and prizes. Children come to believe they deserve praise and admiration no matter what they do. Rather, our role is helping our children feel worthy because of who they are, such as the kindness they bestow, problem solving skills, creativity, and the courage they have. These are moments that occur in the small acts of daily living in which children are connected to—and in service—to one another.

Self-Esteem

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My new book is out!

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