When the World Says No: Power of Forgiveness
Oh, no.
Recently, I wrote about the power of NO. It’s a powerful word. And in this context I spoke of NO as a self-compassionate response, as well as an act of self-care.
When we hear the tiny word, a huge reaction takes place inside. The sound of NO resonates right through to our emotional brain with a cascading rush of stress hormones. A flash flood.
The two-letter word is often as hard to say, as it is to hear. It’s a simple word that can help people set boundaries or claim a point of view. For many young women, the word NO is difficult. Yet, the mere practice of saying it aloud can foster self-respect and confidence. It can help us overcome the never-enough belief that traps so many of us. It helps us get off the pretty pleasing treadmill. Saying NO can make space to say YES to the things that really matter.
But what happens when the world says NO to you?
NO, I don’t love you. NO, you won’t be getting a promotion. NO, you can’t go to your first choice college. NO, you didn’t make the cut.
And what happens when the NO is not even stated? Instead, it comes in the form of an affair, a betrayal or a secret revealed. A diagnosis. A death. A tragedy.
NO can be a very lonely place to be. And the truth of the matter is that these NOs hurt very much. They cause confusion, anger and grief. Our instinctual reaction is to fight back, to blame or to maim. Some losses make us want to disappear. We lament: What could I have done differently? Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t I do more? I should have…I could have…
Looking for answers can last a long time.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to walk away from a fight or an unhealthy situation. It takes courage to release your attachment to someone or something you’ve worked so hard for; even when others tell you to do battle, to stick it out or to fight for what you deserve. But sometimes the gutsy thing is to stop resisting. It’s a quiet sort of bravery that comes from an intuitive knowing that healing can only happen when you let go.
I lived a thousand stories and heard many more. The only thing I know for sure is that we keep breathing; our hearts continue to beat; and the seasons still change. In my own life – full of its share of upsets and betrayals – the hardest, deepest form of healing I found is forgiveness.
A healer once gave me a simple prayer. I didn’t fully understand it at the time because I was in pain; I felt so hurt by life’s transgressions and held on to old stories that served no purpose.
But that prayer has now become part of my daily practice that includes gratitude and appreciation for the joys in life. It’s one I hope to teach to my girls as they face inevitable challenges and losses. The prayer is simple: I forgive you [name] for what you have done… and not done. I forgive myself for what I have done… and not done.
The radical thing about this prayer is that it places both betrayer and betrayed in the same sacred space. This realization has forced me to another level in my own spiritual journey and it’s been challenging; because forgiveness is hard to do (and easy to forget).
I seek solace in a tangible space for reflection or meditation; at a small altar I created in my home. The coziness and quiet inevitably draws my family members, like stray cats looking for a warm spot to settle. Or I’ll take a walk and sit in nature.
Forgiveness calls for stillness. It necessitates listening to one’s own heart and shutting out all other voices. Forgiveness is a profound aspect of faith. It requires trust in a divine, loving source that lives in and among us, and reveals our compassion to our Self and others.
When I think about myself, my girls or the young women I work with, I think of the flip side of NO as well. When life says NO to you, no matter how hard it is, letting go and forgiving makes room for the future YES.
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Recommended Reading: Janet Conner, The Lotus and the Lily
