Befriending as a Lifelong Journey: Strategies for Deep Connections
My daughters were about six and eight when we took a trek to upstate New York to visit their aunt. Over a hazy 4th of July weekend the countryside was peppered with red, white and blue flags, large and small. They flapped in the thick summer breeze like wildflowers along main streets and front lawns yet no people could be seen. We stopped at a pancake place and were the only customers. The atmosphere felt somewhat dystopian.
I was relieved that signs of life appeared at a flea market and later in the evening there was a traveling carnival with rickety rides propped up in a lot. We parked our dusty Honda Odyssey among the pickup trucks and Harleys and waited for the sun to set. It reminded me of days gone by when my sister and I camped with our dad in his tangerine Volkswagen bus with a pop up roof that we called the Orange Martini. But on this particular Independence Day we spread blankets on the roof of the minivan and let the girls scramble up to have the best view of the night sky.
As the fireworks splayed beyond my silhouetted daughters I intentionally created a mental picture. I might title it Glee, or Wonder, or Innocence. Or, as I travel back through time I might call it Friendship for that’s what my girls have between them now. My sister and I weren’t so lucky.
I’ve been wondering about what fosters lasting bonds.
When you ask, you shall receive. I find that answers always arrive in one way or another, but especially when you least expect it. My July 4 morning yoga class was led by a favorite teacher, JoJo, who is the subtlest of preachers and recites words by modern poets she discovers on Instagram. I am grateful to her for introducing me to Andrea Gibson, Bianna Weist, and yung pueblo, among others. During the end of the yoga class in savasana, she shared a poem by David Gate that was a direct response to my musings. This poet has it totally right, friendship is what will save us.
Friendship is what will save us
so fall deeply in love with your friends
date them, woo them, pursue them
mark your anniversaries
celebrate their victories
take care of their names
when they’re not in the room
create a space for them
where all truths are tender
for intimacy doesn’t have to be
reserved for romance
and crushes do not belong
only to lovers
so don’t hide it
when you find
a bonafide ride-or-die
David Gate
I teared up, naturally. Friendship so often is about shared understanding and a commitment to one another forged by pain/joy, disappointment/reconciliation, and proximity/distance. It’s a constant relational evolution strung together by threads of familiarity, loyalty, patience, and time. Sometimes those threads unravel. But with some tending they can grow or new ones can sprout.
Cultivate your friendships. A few good doobies is all one needs.
Moreover, friendship is a tried and true reliable predictor in wellbeing and longevity. Quality connections is the obvious and actual antidote to loneliness, which plagues one in four (25%) humans the world over. This fact has the US General Surgeon, Dr. Vivek Murthy, on a health and humanitarian quest to reduce the prevalence of loneliness. Belonging matters.
Friendliness is also a main factor in why marriages succeed or fail according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman. They have studied couples interacting in their Love Lab. It comes down to a reciprocal kindness that supports co-regulation of nervous systems and feelings of safety and love. More generosity, less fault finding. More appreciation, less expectation.
So if friendship is what helps people live longer and also sustains romantic relationships, why is it so hard for people to be a loyal friend to themselves? To the very person you are with day-in and day-out?
Perhaps this has become my accidental quest: I help people befriend themselves.
Be Your Own Friend
Befriending is my preferred word for self-compassion. After all, why wouldn’t you treat yourself as you would someone you cherish? If you can shine a light on your best friend’s wonderful, if sometimes bewildering essence, certainly you could take a page from that playbook yourself?
In my upcoming book, The Perfectionist’s Dilemma, one of the characters is a young lawyer who balks at this idea in a workshop. Ever the skeptic, Daria wonders, “Can we see ourselves as a friend? I mean, is that even possible?”
Yes, it is possible. But it is very hard to talk yourself into being kinder when it feels so foreign. That’s why I love to lead workshops and groups–and just get folks together. People help each other by shining a light on one another. Members become fast friends when they see they aren’t alone with their self-berating. They see others also have little critical minions causing trouble and are holding them back. Then they do something wonderful for each other: encouragement.
The shift isn’t a cognitive one, it is an experiential one. Participants begin to relate to themselves differently and their energy shifts. You feel it whether it is online or in-person. When you begin to befriend yourself, your vibes elevate to higher frequencies. You are lighter and life is brighter.
Five ways to cultivate friendship
If you believe in the idea, like I do, that what you pay attention to grows stronger, then making and keeping friends is about where you place your attention. If your attention is on your To-Do list, or work, or some autopilot activity (streaming TV?), this will be a challenge. But if you begin to pay attention to your friendships and connections, surprising things may happen. Here are a few ways to reflect.
- Ask yourself, per poet David Gate, who is a bonafide ride-or-die friend in your life? (For me, I now ask: Who would bring me soup without thinking twice if I were sick or couldn’t get out of bed?)
- Send a meaningful thank you note to someone in your life who you appreciate and tell them why. (If they are no longer present or reachable, write a note anyway.)
- Call a friend you haven’t seen in a long time but are always meaning to.
- When gathering with family or friends, have a conversation about friendships, past and present. Recall and share a meaningful exchange with a friend or acquaintance that changed or inspired you.
- Name up to five aspects (or actions) you can appreciate about yourself and write these down in a journal. As a bonus, share it aloud with someone else and have them do the same about their self-appreciations. Prompt: Something I appreciate about myself is…
If you love this topic, here are some good reads about friendships and making meaning in the world: Friendship by science journalist Lydia Denworth, The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen, and For Small Creatures Such as We by Sasha Sagan.
Also, since I’m a new fan of poet David Gate, check out his poetry on Instagram and the wonderful prints on the DavidGatePoet website. Isn’t the world full of wonderful messengers, guides, and teachers? I am always amazed. Please share your faves, too. That’s how we help each other.
